My wife and I went cold turkey on orgasm and sexual touching about a month ago (I'm guessing we'd have orgasmic intercourse a few times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less...). About half the time, we're sticking to our scheduled bonding behaviors (dancing for 10 minutes, trading 5 minute hand/scalp massages). Holidays / colds have put an unusual constraint on our time.
After about two weeks, I noticed I'd had a wet dream. Off and on, too, I've awoken from some pretty vivid sex dreams. Last week, I woke up from a sex dream around 4:30. Then, while snuggling with my wife after she awoke an hour later, I started to fall asleep and fell right back into a sex dream. I woke up right away, shifted around, and a few minutes later, the same thing happened again.
I theorized that the cold turkey part of things might be playing havoc with my brain, so I suggested she massage my genitals while I breathed and focused on bonding and relaxing. Although she's very anxious that I'm going to lack self-control (I'll get turned on, want to do it, pressure her to do it, go for orgasm, etc.), she's still game to try it.
It did seem to cut down on the sex dreams. She's been sick the past couple days, we skipped the bonding behaviors and the massage, and, maybe coincidentally, maybe not, I had another sex dream last night.
While I would not consider myself a porn or orgasm addict previously (probably masturbated a few times a week; was not always searching for 'new' images; not interested in 'extreme' situations, etc...) I do feel I am obsessed with wanting my wife to approach feeling as much consistent 'mating' desire for me as I do for her, and have been for many years. It is a "deep trench" that I want to get out of.
Understanding habituation after reading your book and applying it to our relationship has helped me accept her feelings without taking it as personally as I used to. Understanding that the 'mating' song is not sustainable on its own, long term, I am also looking forward to transforming our sexual contact into a more bonding experience. I do not doubt she loves me and wants to be close to me. Losing the constant vigilance over whether she's "passionate" for me in the mating sense of the term would be a huge victory for both of us.
My hope is that the genital massage, as a bonding experience, will 1) give me practice receiving bonding sexual touch (which doesn't come from a 'hot sex' place, so doesn't require her to be 'hot', so doesn't require me to require her to be 'hot'...) and 2) give her practice learning to trust that I can forego 'hot sex' even when she is stimulating me (so she will have plenty of room to be genuine, reach out, and not become obligated to 'perform').
It'll be a huge benefit if it truly is keeping the dreams at bay!
I'm wondering if anyone has any advice or similar experiences to share.