I went to my lady's house on Sunday to look after and bring her some cheer as she was ill (headache, soar throat). She is also on her period. Lucky me! But actually it was completely chilled and she was really gentle, tender, and relaxed. It's the first time we have spent a decent amount of time together (24+ hours) since being back. The hours seem to just fly by despite the fact we often just chill in bed, listen to music, cuddle, and play. It's never dull and doesn't get boring. We spent the whole night sleeping in each others arms. She said she has never done that before as she needs her space to sleep. So much cuddling and kissing, oxytocin levels through the roof!
We had some very intimate conversations. Both of us openly admitted to being commitmentphobes. We agreed to take it one day at a time and see where things go. No pressure. She said if things don't work we can just be friends. I had to explain that unfortunately this is not usually possible. That's the risk we take getting more involved. She also told me how it seems pointless for her to see anyone else as it just wouldn't compare to this. She openly admitted to feeling possessive of me and would be jealous if I was with another girl. One point that I thought interesting is her distinction between having sex with someone from the past where there was a history over a one night stand. To me there is no emotion in the ONS so it is meaningless whereas a past lover is never straight forward. She thought the opposite. It was because there was emotions that it was justified. A ONS on the other hand is a greater 'offence' because of that very lack of depth; giving yourself away to a stranger so easily. It seems this was a bit of a male vs female mindset difference.
I questioned why she hung around despite my ED problem to which she replied she was sorting through some of her own sexual issues at the time and it was good to get to know me before jumping into sex which would just confuse her emotions. She also said it's in her nature to be very nurturing and maternal to those she cares for. She wants people to be whole and will do whatever she can to help.
I told her that the thing I value most is honesty. I don't want there to be any secrets or lies between us. I said I would never get angry or judge her whatever she told me. I want to know her, the whole her, bads bits and all. We agreed to start opening ourselves up more to each other.
I'm still having the non-ejaculating problem. Oral and handjobs; every time I get so turned on, uncontrollable panting, but I just can't finish. It's really odd, I don't get what the obstacle is. At one point I hit a 'peak' and thought I was going to O. I had an intense sensation but then it was as if I couldn't get any more aroused. So I started to go soft. It was like an O without ejaculation. My whole body was buzzing afterwards and I had that spaced out happy post O glow. I really haven't felt anything like that before.
I'm also spotting some trends. When we are outside the bedroom and things can't escalate I get really turned on and hard. Then when we go into the bedroom I go dead downstairs. It takes the sight of her being turned on to get me hard, which is why it often doesn't work when she is just pleasuring me. I need to feed off her arousal. It can take a hour before I am in the right place mentally.
Then there is the fact that I always wake up around 4 or 5 in the morning and am super horny. Having her naked body next to me is agony. I'm turned on and the object of my design is in my arms but asleep. I can't sleep and getting out of bed at that time makes no sense. So I 'check' if she is awake. I feel kind of bad waking her up, especially last night as she needed to get her sleep, but I simply can't help myself at the moment. Her body drives me crazy. She told me she loves being woken up and finding me so heat up and passionate. It's something about being sleepy as well that makes it feel like a dream and I don't think about anything but the moment. I am always fully hard at this hour. We play for a bit and then collapse in a heap completely out of breathe to drift back into sleep. I really love these middle of the night sexual interaction :)
The chemistry between us at the moment is pretty wild. I get the idea of the honeymoon period but we just can't keep our hands off each other. Just being with her turns me on, that turns her on, and then the cycle begins. We both want to have sex so much. We talk about it, both imagining, fantasising as we tell each other what we want to do. She tells me all she wants is to feel me come inside her. I want it, she wants it. So it's kind of agony that things are not working out (me or nature). Next weekend we will see what happens.
Finally I decided to masturbate when I got back home. It was the first time in 125+ days! I needed to feel an O. I tried not to use any fantasy but I couldn't get hard. So I fantasised about her, thinking about things we had done, imaging having sex with her on the window sill in her bedroom, or on the chair in the kitchen. Using these thoughts I could get and stay hard. It felt quite strange to be masturbating. Once I was hard it was probably 5 minutes before I ejaculated. I've never seen so much semen in my life. I just get shooting out more and more. There must of been a big backlog from the abstinence. The orgasm was intense.
I'm glad I did MO. It had been so long and I needed to remember what O felt like. But why can't I do this in her presence? All the problems are in my mind but I don't really know the way forward. Relax, breathe, become immersed in her body and being. I try all these things but can't consistently get into my 'sex head space'.