Oh yeah, reboot is a bumpy road. We're counting day 91, and my mood and vibe have lowered a little this week. Two weeks ago I was more energized, eager, better with words, perhaps more social. But hey, since your mood and drive are never fixed at one level, one can only work with the amount of motivation at hand, right? I try to acknowledge that to help me stick with the reboot.
I think the fact that I'm approaching my finals is screwing with my drive currently. Studying = sitting behind a desk for almost 12 hrs a day, usually alone and isolated from the real social world, while the mind wanders and gets behold of early porn themes, and with my hand reflexively in my pants, 'just hanging around' out there... Studying just seems this trigger to PMO for me, and as shown earlier, for relapse. Now that I'm spending more time behind the books, I'm feeling this slight anxiety. Stress for getting the work done in time, and some more stress for risking a relapse.
This reflects on my mood, as I'm feeling some conflict again, experiencing some flashbacks from porn and having more cravings to masturbate. I looked up some porn related images on google, clicked them away after 10 seconds... just for 'checking'. It's sad how fast this 'old pathway' that was becoming so much more absent, is triggered back so fast. Simply by unconsciously moving in those pants, and smelling those 'sex/masturbation scents' - I hate to make it sound so dirty -, the craving is set in motion. As a matter of fact, smell is a strong sexual trigger.
It's a little odd right now, after a so far sublime journey of 3 months without masturbating to porn (2 fairly healthy masturbations so far)
These feelings are probably proof that I'm still not there yet, and that I have to keep my guard up now. Right now it feels like I still have to go through this big challenge, the hardest part, as this one month 'desk-sitting' is really something I have to cut through. That's why I'm getting anxious about it I guess, I really don't want to ruin it now, but that implicates that I have to be very very careful, as this is really challenging for me.
But by taking it up as this challenge, I'm feeling dedicated to take responsibility, and prove to myself that I can pull through.
First, I definitely need to unlearn this masturbation habit that's interfering with my study and puling me off track. (been doing this compulsively during study for 6 years) I'm experimenting with different environments and some mindfullness techniques, yet have to make it more effective. Not so eager to try out that athletic cup thing, not sure that it will stop me 100%.
I hope for the best. (In the meantime still inadvertently getting in those pants, damn!)
Wish me luck
All the best to you all.