♥Help! I'm too pushy for cuddling and sex

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Submitted by emerson on
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As I wrote a few days ago, this is very early in our new sexual relationship. My wife ("Sparkles") and I are in our fifties and since I quit masturbating and quit having orgasms, about 3 weeks ago, I am changing the relationship and my wife finds this new intensity discomfiting and "pressure" which it is.

I have been coming either in my hand or in my wife for quite a long time now and now that I'm not, there is a very significant adjustment period. I'm sure it will continue for some time. The key is to not react and just go with the flow to the greatest extent possible. Generally I do this automatically especially these days but I find myself a tad insecure and I can understand how this affects my wife Sparkles.

She isn't stopping orgasms on her part (yet? maybe) but the real issue is that I am in fact quite intense and I can understand her feeling that it's too much intensity for her.

Just wanted to hopefully hear from you about your experiences with this. How you dealt, when things got more even, etc.


Did you read my first blog entry?

I spent four days just pacing my house saying "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god." I felt like an evangelist. I wanted to cry out from the hilltop: "Everyone just stop having orgasms! It will fix everything! I swear! Trust me here!" That has worn off significantly. I know that you are in a very different situation from mine, but I won't be surprised if your intensity calms down a little within a few weeks. I mean, you've just discovered that the bedrock of hegemonic ideas about sexuality isn't stable... Your world is rocked.

thank you. She is terrific

thank you. She is terrific and wonderful and I will keep that in mind. That is a great point. I do think this is wonderful for our marriage. Instead of settling into a mediocre sex life that only goes downhill, we have this wonderful and precious time together. I get on a bandwagon and can be annoying about it to the tenth degree. So I have to temper myself and not be too over the top.


You're just working out the bugs of adjusting to a new way of being together. A very significant way for that matter. When I first started to practice being non-orgasmic my wife told me that she had sometimes used sex to get rid of me as my attention towards her would dissipate after orgasming. Now that I wasnt orgasming this approach didnt fly, I was always desiring her. It wasnt long before she was much preferring the new me much more. I say this because we to went through an adjustment period like you are.

See, I observe us men can be a bit needy in the sexual department and our partners dont really enjoy dealing with this part of the male psyche. At the beginning of non-orgasmic behavior in a man, it can look to the woman like this needy behavior is only getting worse, yikes! What the woman doesnt realize is that refraining from orgasm helps the man to develop a capacity to hold REAL space for the woman. Adoration without the neediness, exactly what women really want in their men. At least this is so from my observation.

Don't worry, it wont be long before she cant get enough of you either. In the mean time giver her all the space she needs to adjust to the new you.

Well, my story goes like

Well, my story goes like this. When I started there was no karezza information anywhere that I knew about. I came at being non-orgasmic through Taoist teaching. In their approach the woman can orgasm all she wants, its even encoraged, just not the man. So, we were not even thinking about her not orgasming. The benifits of me not orgasming were very clear and it served the both of us, not just me. Eventually my wife started noticing the difference between when she did orgasm and when she did not. In the beginning when I started she had orgasms every time and started having even more per lovemaking session. Later, years later in fact, she started to skip orgasming occasionally. This is when her change began. We came to karezza through feel rather than information. We had no idea it had been done before, or that people were out there doing it at all.

Those beginning years when she still orgasmed were very sweet for the both of us. Just me not orgasming profoundly changed our relationship. When a man doesnt orgasm he ends up holding space for the woman even if he's not trying to, it just ends up that way. My wife dove right into that space and explored her sexuality in ways she never could when I was orgasming. Without a doubt it was very positive for us. Her moving to becoming non-orgasmic was a natural evolution. Of course now, both of us not orgasming is definitely much sweeter and neither one of us would want what we did when it was just me.

My take would be to generally let her come to it on her own but at least have the information that she could do if she wanted to and that there would be sweet benefits. Then she has the information and its up to her. I also believe that women need some time to feel the space that the man creates and decide what they want to do. Just by the fact that our orgasm and resulting ejaculation ends the lovemaking session, puts us by default, in the controlling position. I observe that some women, including my wife, enjoyed moving over into the drivers seat, so to speak, for a while. Virgil's wife so far is fully taking advantage of being in that drivers seat and has lots of orgasms with no fall out, and no interest in giving up orgasming at this time, acording to Virgil. They seem very happy from what I read. Do a search and you can read about his story.

Especially in the beginning I would not push it, let her decide. If she truly is enjoying the new experience you have created by not orgasming, I'd go with it for a bit. When the timing feels right and you sense some receptivity you could suggest something like, "hey honey, why dont you give this not orgasming thing a try and see what you think about it". A little nudge at the right time may be just the ticket. There is no doubt in my mind that when both partners forgo orgasming it goes to a much deeper and more profound level then when only one partner does. It just about feeling when that time might be right. For now I suggest focusing on getting firm control of your own ability. There's nothing like teaching by example.

thanks Darryl

That was my intuition as well, what you suggested. I want her to keep whatever she wants for herself or doesn't want, without my influence. And although I've been pretty intense for a bit, I have not suggested she orgasm or not.

I am attached to her orgasms myself and helping her reach them if she wants to. If she didn't want to then that would be great too.

I've felt like I'm in a different world and telling her about it but she hasn't fully gotten here yet. I think she is getting here and joining me but wasn't sure if the orgasm thing would be any sort of obstacle.

I can compare it to having tried a new drug. "Wow, this stuff is amazing, honey, you should try it," and I'm telling her about it and telling her about it and telling her about it, and she hasn't quite tried it yet. Of course it's sublime and isn't a drug (perhaps it's oxytocin high but that is over simplifying in any event as it's all chemicals when you come down to it) but I want her to join me fully here when she is ready.

It's just too fine here for her not to.