Porn Addiction, Social Anxiety, Sexually Confused & School

Submitted by Des7690 on
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Porn Addiction -

So here's my story. I'm 21 year's old and a virgin. I started watching porn when I was about 13. I never really cared about looking at naked women or anything of that sort, but I feel like my brothers pressured me into viewing porn, because they would always say you must be gay because you never masturbate to porn. Therefore I felt as if I had a point to prove to them. When I first started masturbating I would masturbate occasionally every 3 to 4 days therefore it wasn't that big of a deal.

Social Anxiety -

Growing up I was always known, as the quiet shy kid who wouldn't answer to anyone at school. But I still managed to have and make friends outside of school. At this time I didn't know what SA (Social Anxiety Disorder) was. I was basically like this all the way up until the 6th grade. But things changed, my first day of 6th grade I was very outgoing and talkative I even met my best friend who I'll call J. Me and J hung out with each other everyday, up until the 10th grade. I honestly think that 10th grade was the year that it all started. That year J got expelled from school therefore I quit because the Social Axiety had started, therefore I couldn't eat lunch in the cafeteria, or even ask the teacher for help in class therefore I was failing.

Sexually Confused -

The first time I ever found myself being attracted to a guy, I was 15 and watching The Real World on MTV. For some odd reason I found myself, lusting after the guys feet which I think is very weird. After that I could always look at a guy, and know if he was attracted or not. Around this time I was still watching porn occasionally so everything was fine. The gay porn problem didn't start until February 2009 (by this time straight porn had started to bore me) when I was watching the Tyra Banks Show, and she had Aaron James & Kurt Wild as guest who claim to be Gay-4-Pay.

As soon as I watched that episode I remember being, so curious telling myself that these guys were lying because theres know way that you could have sex with another man and not be gay. So what I did was order some gay porn through the mail (risky I know) using my real name. When I first started to watch it I felt so disgusted, weird and guilty but I masturbated to it anyway. The same night after I finished masturbating I destroyed the gay porn that I had gotten through the mail. After that I was back to masturbating to straight porn.

About a week later my sister got her first laptop with internet (the worst day ever). For some reason my sister would always let me rule her laptop so I would be on it all the time listening to music, masturbating no more than three times a week, which is normal. March 2009 the Tyra Banks episode re-aired and it was pretty much all down hill from here. I regained interest in gay porn. I found the site with the scene of Aaron & Kurt.

I was just starting out with this whole online porn thing, so I didn't at the time know how to get the scene so what I did was masturbate to the pictures. So whenever I was horny I would crave gay porn, but as soon as I would climax I would feel absolutely nothing when I think of a man. About 3 months later I found out how to get all the new free porn from the top straight and gay porn sites.

Meanwhile this is where the addiction started. I would spend from 9 A.M. that morning to about 1 to 2 A.M. in the morning constantly downloading porn. But heres the thing wheather it be gay or straight porn as soon as I would reach climax. I would go to my downloads folder, and delete all of the porn that I had wasted the whole day downloading.

I know deep down in my heart, that I am straight it's just that I've got myself in to deep.
I still get butterflies in my stomach and find girls attractive all the time. The only time that I ever find a man attractive is when I'm watching porn or I am extremely horny and I sometimes find some guys on tv attractive. Whenever I go to school or go shopping (I'm go to Adult Ed I'll get to that) I never find guys attractive at all. I view guys in my everyday life as being friends with them and nothing else.

School -

I quit school when I was in the 10th grade because my Social Anxiety was so bad.
I honestly don't know what went wrong, because I was fine in school up until my Grandmother passed, when I was in the 9th grade after that I think my social anxiety may have come back. My grades started to slip I put on tons of weight I started to tell myself that I wasn't attractive anymore. I personally think that I suffered from depression without knowing.

My Future -

I took the G.E.D test in September, I passed everything but math although I was a little dissapointed with my scores (Reading- 450, Writing-430, Science-430, Language Arts-450 & Math-350) that was 3 almost 4 months ago and I still haven't really been studying for the Math, because I have been to busy spending all of my study time on downloading porn and masturbating.

I really want to pass my G.E.D so bad the only assingment I need to pass right now is math. Give up this porn addiction, regain my confidence and be the outgoing person that I know I can be. All I want more than anything is friends, because I am sick and tired of sitting in the house alone watching my life go by. I am supposed to start therapy this month for my Social Anxiety Disorder. But I also plan on telling my therapist about my addiction to porn because it feels goods when you let out all of the bad feelings that you've been holding inside for so long.

I vow this day to be the start of my FUTURE.


Glad you are here changing your life. You can do it, you're young, and you'll make it if you try. Start today! I started 9 days ago, and honestly it is some kind of small miracle that I am still going. Keep reading this site and YBOP, and posting your progress.

There's a lot of info on these sites about the straight vs gay thing you're going through. To sum it up, don't worry about the thoughts. As you get more time between you and porn, it will gradually go away.

Hey Des,

What you're going through is not uncommon. Who can say why people fall into different anxieties? But it's very brave of you to address yours. As the social anxiety improves, other things will too. And for many guys, cutting out porn also helps increase social ease.

Here's some material that may ease your mind about the gay-porn thing.

If you watch the vid, you'll see that feet aren't that unusual a turn on. Go figure!

Just to warn you, some therapists don't believe in porn addictions. [skepti] See:

Start your own blog if you like. Let us know how you get on.

hey des. how are things

hey des. how are things going? good on you for deciding to change. it takes courage but proves you've got the strength. especially in denying instant gratification. just keep that determination and pursue what you really want. by the sounds of it, it's education and reestablishing yourself and your social life.

i have wasted a lot of time and energy on porn and masturbation and like you never got overly turned on with straight porn, so mostly used the gay stuff despite my interest in girls and wanting to pursue an undistracted relationship with one. when i get gay thoughts or temptations to view porn and masturbate, i think to myself, hang on. do i really want to do this? after reaching 21 days of strict abstinence, feeling guilt and getting depressed? no. i don't. i know i want to continue channeling energy on my career, socialising and recreation. i view my misdirecting thoughts as a test. they want me to either confirm or deny what i want in life and i've been winning every time so far. i don't want to go back. each day of victory is more determination to keep going. i'm doing things i'd always dreamed of doing but always let porn get in the way and gay ideas don't trouble me so much. when i see myself get past a dream or an urge, that tells me i know i'm on to something better. my interest in girls is still there and growing. i always thought being attracted to a girl had to be as lustful as it was looking at gay porn. but that's just me choosing to believe that and i'm sure that's not healthy in the real world.

all the best. understanding yourself is a key thing and you sound like you know what you want and you're at a great age to be starting this.