Last weekend was fairly flat. I didn't have a lot of sex drive and couldn't really get hard. Rachel and I tried once or twice to have sex but I think we were both very tied and we just settled for cuddling. It was nice though. We just held each other close and talked and then dozed off in a each others arms.
This weekend however was different. Both yesterday and today we were able to have sex that lasted about 15 minutes. I was hard during that time and yesterday in particular, I was hard during the final 10 minutes of foreplay. The best thing is, it's the first time that I have been hard enough to use a condom and that gives both of us peace of mind and it's nice for me as well because I have heard many of my friends in the past saying that they always lose erections when it comes to putting on a condom. Not for me, I was able to power straight through it a enjoy sex.
One issue I am aware of now is sexual appetite. When I was locked in my PMO addiction (it's also worth noting that I was a virgin) I would dream of having rampant sex with a girlfriend constantly. I couldn't even imagine, talking, eating, watching TV, going to the movies, going out for a walk. Well, I could, but then we'd just end up having sex during the course of those activities because that's what you do right?
Porn had shown me that school, work, the doctors, outdoors, in a hotel, it didn't matter where you were, you just ended up doing it because that's where all roads lead.
Well, now that I am no longer a virgin, I am over PMO and I am in a meaningful, loving mature relationship, I have discovered that I have sex somewhere between 1 and 3 times a week. It doesn't always last very long and once we're done my sexual appetite is all but gone for a few days. Yes that's right folks, shock, horror, a little bit of good sex is more than enough. I feel fully satisfied and then all sexual thoughts take a back seat for a good few days and I get on with the rest of my life.
My Sunday today has involved getting up, helping Rachel get ready for work and then have shower, watch one of my favourite TV shows on catchup, make lunch (risotto) for when Rachel gets back from work, and get ready for an afternoon of sport on the TV. Now that doesn't sound like much, but when you consider how it used to compare to my old Sunday, I'm achieving a lot more and feeling better.
The old Sunday would go like this. I would wake up, often hung over after a night out where I had no confidence to talk to girls and would go home not only drunk but feeling down about life in general. Shortly after waking I would masturbate. Then I would have massive brain fog, mistake it for exhaustion, and then go back to sleep. That would be late morning. then I would wake again at about 12 noon after an hour or so of really awful pretend sleep that didn't get rid of the brain fog. Then I might masturbate again, fall asleep again, and then wake up at about 2pm, go downstairs, get some lunch, go back to my room, stick the computer on, masturbate 2 or 3 times to some porn, by this point i wouldn't even be enjoying it, and I would be having the most terrible brain fog/shutdown/coma/fatigue experience imaginable, and then I would go back to sleep again and get up, finally at about 16:30, go to the gym, and then wonder why my workout was awful and I felt like crap. Then I would bimble through the rest of the day in a slight haze being dis organised, untidy and just think about sex constantly, and then feeling down about it, because I couldn't have it.
The funny thing is, that when I was masturbating and watching porn it would always be rushed and aggressive sex and it would feel great, then afterwards it would feel dreadful and I would just want to hold someone close and do karezza style things. But now with Rachel I can, and that's something that I mustn't take for granted and something I must treasure.
Over the summer, once I've got 200+ days of abstinence under my belt I am going to tell some of my mates about this if and when the time is right and gauge their reactions. I was out the other weekend with some friends and one of the guys who was there had recently broken up with his girlfriend and was now living on his own in a flat. We were laughing and joking around and he said something along the lines of "You're probably like me, still jerking off loads even though you're in a relationship right? Like every bloke! Hahahaha!"
I laughed along with him but inside I thought it was really sad and I wondered if he was a borderline addict and if it had been in some way responsible for the breakdown of his relationship. I know that he isn't the only one of my friends that is slightly macho and dabbles in porn. Anyway, I won't be trying to spread the word any time soon as I feel it's still an immensely private thing and that I am still only really getting used to it and learning about what it can do for me. Besides, I don't want to be preachy and seen as extreme.
The only other thing to report is that I had the second wet dream of my entire life a few weeks ago. It was quite and experience and certainly wasn't bad. Just really odd as I had had sex and orgasmed less than a week beforehand. I thought it would be more likely to happen during a time of complete abstinence from everything including orgasm.
I have noticed is that my Internet usage as a whole is dropping. As some other bloggers on this site pointed out last week, decreasing the time you spend at a computer surfing the net is obviously going to help. It really helps if you can get off Facebook, Twitter, Bebo, MySpace, YouTube, instant messenger, forums, email, online gaming, chat rooms etc. They are all crap and all contain plenty of triggers which could set you off.
That's all for now. Good luck everyone out there fighting their own private battle. I have a new saying describing in very simple terms how to be successful at abstaining.
"Keep your hands off your dick and your mind on other things."
That really is it. The concept is simple, but it's having the willpower to stick to it.