I don't know what this means! Goddamn it!

Submitted by getmeout on
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But I'm frusterated. I'm flatlined. I can't feel anything. I spent a lot of time on YBOP because I had to remind myself that Day 35 is not Day 90. But still. When I'm with the girl I'm seeing I feel empty and frusterated. I enjoy talking to her and think about her all day. But the following has happened twice since I've seen her: We kiss, I think it's nice, but I don't feel anything. Like it just gets tiring. A deeper part of me is searching for some connection, but I can't feel anything. We just started to get more serious about seeing echother.

I'll describe it this way. Two weeks ago, I felt nervous about being around her (after we had already been physical). We would text back and forth all the time. I go through periods when I'm falling for her deeply, and then I feel like a stone. We spent V-Day together confessing eachother's feelings. I hate this but I'm starting to associate my lack of passion with lack of feelings for her. But something tells me that I do want her. Like, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I look forward to seeing her. I've made real steps towards being with her (something I've always been afraid of), I've been strongly driven to write her a love poem (which I've given her). What we did for VDAY was something I couldn't stop thinking about. I had to do it for her.

I wanted to! I felt a nervous rush before I set it all up, and still a nervous rush when I confessed how I felt about her. And yet, it was all nice until we kissed .... nothing. Am I going nuts here? After I dropped her off, I had a deep sinking feeling that I didn't care for her. Am I some emotionally bi-polar bastard? I really care about her, so I don't want to hurt her. The only consoling factor is that I don't feel a need to be with any other girl. I don't care to flirt or anything. This has been really bothering me guys. I haven't connected with someone in the absence of porn so I'm not sure what's happening. I thought I was, but now I'm in doubt!


i'm just not healed yet

i'm so angry and frusterated. i hate that i've fucked up something so natural and simple as a relationship. Even now, I feel insecure about it. I'm starting to feel needy. I woke up not wanting anyone, and now I just want someone to hold. FUCK PORN USE. I hate that so much. I guess I just got tricked into believing that most of my problems would be gone by this stage. They're not. For example, I get thoughts questioning whether or not the girl I just confessed my feelings for are true. Of the 10 women I've slept with, I've only ever felt anything deep for one. For some reason, she and I connected. But then she dumped me and cheated on me. All the others are a blur - I don't know if I felt anything for them or not. I don't think I was capable at the time. Not with the addiction.

keep pushing

Sounds like a rough time, man. The flatline sucks- mine lasted until around Day 75. Don't fool yourself with arbitrary day numbers about when you're going to be healed. Deep breath, get your priorities straight, and focus on doing things to actively heal yourself every day. You gotta get yourself right and you're not gonna just be able to wait around for it. Take the shortest path out of the darkness.

I feel you on the haven't been able to connect with people because of the addiction. I wasted good years, hurt the people closest to me, and lost friends and opportunities because of this shit. But it can be fixed!!! And I'm finally starting to see positive changes (I'm at Day 90 today). Don't waste any more time with this bullshit than you have to. Buckle down, suck it up, and throw that anger into actively pushing through this problem. Do NOT go all negative and start feeling justified in relapsing.

Push hard- you can do this.

Relapsing isn't an option

but man, I'm just spiraling right now. One day I'm confident with this girl, now I'm not! I haven't acted on it. For example, today she was feeling down and I dropped by her job to kiss her, give her a chocolate, and leave telling her to feel better. I feel now like that was too much! My brain is not letting this one go. I feel passionate act out and give a part of me, and then I keep thinking "whoops, you messed up there - she's going to think it's too intense and back off". Right now, I'm just keeping some distance. I just don't know what to think or feel. I don't know how much is me and how much is this process. I'm in the dark. I feel painfully insecure right now. Quitting is not an option. I'm going out, meeting people, and trying to make plans. But it's bone-crushing insecurity, and it makes me anxious.

Relax bro!

You can't beat yourself up, it's causing anxiety which will not help you in any way. Chill out, understand you are healing. You'll likely start to get that feeling with your chick when you're relaxed.

i don't know what to tell you...

I know exactly what you mean about giving a lot then thinking you've given too much. My advice to people has always been to go completely solo during the reboot process to keep the pressure off yourself. I would say think about how you feel when you wake up and how you feel right after a workout (or something else that makes you feel good)- you're probably consistently in between that. Honestly, I'm not sure you can trust you right now. I couldn't trust me when I was where you are. I can barely trust me right now. Be honest with yourself- you can only be as honest with other as you are with yourself. The main thing is to focus on you and get yourself well. You literally can't have a healthy relationship with a girl until you take care of you- never forget that. Sleep, eat right, work out, meditate, kegels. Get yourself better then you can start taking care of everyone else. I'll keep checking on your progress. Good luck.