Day 19

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Submitted by Gucci on
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A friend of mine texted me yesterday - he was back in town for the weekend and were getting a preparty going. This couldn't have come at a better time; I wasn't really in an outgoing, social mood but I definitively didn't want to be at home.
I gave it a shot though, and was at least pretty calm the whole night. Again, I wasn't as outgoing as I would have liked to but I participated.

A really cute girl (friend of one of my friends) showed some interest and we talked for a bit, but we weren't really on the same wavelength (trying so hard not to call her stupid but yeah.. :P). My plan was to end the night early but instead I ended up drinking more than I was going to and going out, basically because of the chick (stupid in hindsight). What happened is I got suuuuper wasted and stayed out til 4-5 in the morning. It was OK but probably not worth the hangover from hell that has tortured me today.

The girl left me incredibly horny this day, and for the first time since I started my reboot I felt cravings to jerk the turkey. Luckily my ability to stop myself fantasizing has improved immensely. I think in some way fantasizing also serves the same "purpose" as jerking off - "escaping" from a dull or uncomfortable state or situation. With the awareness of that I feel my journey goes on a bit easier, by understanding the addiction handling the effects of it's nature becomes easier.

I've been thinking a little bit about how my process is going, compared to the statements and blogs I've been reading on the subject. What I find a little bit puzzling is majorly two things: how the penis has been affected and the chronological emotional development.

I feel as if my penis isn't in one single phase for an extended period of time like how I've interpreted most people's are (is this correct?). It's "dead" sometimes (cold, small and stiff/compact) and bigger than normal sometimes. I think it varies some during the day. I actually like when it's dead because that to me signals progress and that something's in the works.

My emotional state is also a little bit different from what I've perceived the norm to be (I'm not really comparing in a judgning manner). Especially my first week of "abstinence" was actually great. It was like a really intense upper high from the beginning of the day that kind of spended my "feeling-good energy" and left me empty for the rest of the day when it was consumed. I was really outgoing, extremely confident and loved to maintain a challenging eyecontact with beautiful women. Right now I feel as if I have more lows than ups and a more stabilized mood (less fluctuation). I didn't have those terrible 1st two tweeks I've heard so much about which is kind of a bummer (I think that'd be easier to deal with for me personally).

I'm not quite sure what to experience of the flatline-phase but I sure want it to start, like now. I want to get through this ASAP, patience isn't my strong suit.

Fortunately determination is. :)


Maybe, maybe not. I think I

Maybe, maybe not. I think I've thought about it due to some fear I might be doing this process wrong and that something I'm (not?) doing is delaying the healing. But I can't figure out what that would be so for now I guess I might as well not think about it.

Worrying too much

is a classic withdrawal symptom. Could simply be that. Try to turn your attention to something positive when those worries come up. Tell yourself you'll think about them at Day 60, or 90.

Yeah I've been thinking

Yeah I've been thinking something similar. It's a little bit like what I've experienced quitting weed and (even more so) tobacco. The feeling of anxiety can create/manifest itself/lead to negative/pessimistic/anxious thoughts. I think I do something close to cognitive selftherapy, trying to get to the bottom of the feeling - is there any specific reason I'm worrying about x? Am I feeling lousy in general? Did the thought come before the emotion? etc.

Even so, I'm not telling myself I'll take on those questions anytime in the future because P/M/O has done nothing for me thus far, there's no reason to think going back will do me any good no matter the circumstances. Sure there can be temptation and cravings to relieve all kinds of bad emotions but that's the addiction talking - not a voice telling me what's actually best for me.