I wasn't exactly sure where to post this, so please forgive me if it's not in the right section. If it's not in the correct section I would appreciate some advice on where to correctly place it, because I desperately want some feedback on it :)
I take the (no doubt) all too familiar form of a 27 year old guy suffering from completely crushing ED, depression, social anxiety and the like. I was a habitual heavy marijuana user for upwards of 10 years (though as it stands I haven't smoked in several months and do not plan on doing so any time soon) and have been chronically masturbating to internet porn for somewhere around the same portion of time (probably a little less though, in my younger years I would only use my mind). Varying from 1-3 times a day, though not necessarily every day.
My lifestyle throughout this period has been characterised by it's extremely sedentary nature, particularly the last 6-7 years, whereby I have basically entirely ceased physical activity outside of the sort of menial tasks we all perform each day. My diet has been terrible, and over time I have turned from a perennially fit "sport-a-holic" into an unshapely lump! Unfortunately I have had little to no intimate contact with women/men since my adolescence when I suffered no problems with ED, but who does at 16-18, right? :P (I am bisexual, though not openly, something I have only discovered relatively recently - mostly I find crossdressing and androgyny appealing, far more so than "men themselves", sexually at least) However, this lack of sexual contact has presented me with a problem in that I feel I am unable to correctly diagnose the cause of my ED.
Though as I write this I had previously abstained from PMO for 7 days, lapsing once today for one quick and thoroughly unsatisfying wank, previously I had noticed a distinct lack of quality in my erections, even while watching pornography - they would be weak and often difficult to maintain. This is a problem that I believe started around 4 years ago now, but was something I had always attributed to drug abuse (I did take cocaine/ecstasy etc as well as marijuana constantly throughout my university years and earlier) in particular marijuana use. Despite all this I have found myself at times able to produce a full erection, though usually relatively fleetingly. The problem has however gotten progressively worse and I certainly feel (though perhaps mistakenly) that there has been an element of the self fulfilling prophecy about it all since now I am almost totally consumed by my fear that there is no possibility of recovery. It's probably worth mentioning that at one stage (when i was still smoking weed) I was so arrested by these thoughts that I actually became completely incapable of erectile function of any sort, which in a strange way gives me hope since I am now capable of erections again, if only weak in nature.
Some months ago after findng myself unable to get any kind of erection (as described above) I went to the doctor suffering from panic attacks, severe paranoia and the ED itself. I had some blood work done and it all came back normal (getting on for hypertension, but not actually in the range, my reading was also somewhat "white coat syndrome" induced) and since then I have at times been able to achieve decent erections despite no attempts to abstain from pornography (though they have never been comparable to those I had when younger and sexually active). However I never have morning wood,, nor wet dreams and am rarely able to achieve an erection without pornography for stimulus (and even then, they are weaker than they "should" be).
Well, recently something happened which has spurred me into action, in a sense. Through sheer dumb luck I came into contact with a guy/girl (who happens to be a crossdresser, with some considerable gender dysphoria) who I am totally smitten with (Peronality-wise I adore this person, I am not talking purely of sexual attraction here, in fact the pull of their persona is far, far stronger), but due to my entirely Unpredictable and often non existent libido, coupled with my ED struggles I am extremely worried at the prospect of meeting this person,(we met online, through porn site actually, I know it makes your heart just melt! :P) All that said, it has given me the motivation to improve myself to the best of my ability. Having been addicted to online games, masturbation and becoming socially awkward and unhealthy for years is not something easily reversed but I am determined to do it, regardless of whether a reboot is right for me. It's also worth mentioning that the prospect of this person (not purely sexually, but in general) has left me aroused at various points though often in a confusing way (50-60% erections, incredible amounts of pre-cum/semen leakage, not based on fantasies, just the prospect of this person in general is so appealing to me)
Which leads me on to my final question - does my case seem to be an appropriate candidate for a reboot? I realise that may be difficult to say, but reading the stories on this site, it certainly sounds like it could be. The thing that worries me though is that with no frame of "real-world reference", I wonder whether my case actually implies an underlying physiological problem, rather than something which a reboot can fix., I definitely want it o be the former but please share you honest opinions with me, also feel free to ask any questions that may help you to give me advice!
If you made it this far I genuinely thank you for taking the time to read this, it's been pleasantly cathartic to set it down on virtual paper. I have never discussed this with anyone (and I am certain there are details I have omitted that may be relevant) so - having been a prisoner of my own thoughts for some time - it feels good to finally get it "out there", even if it's to anonymous people :)