Stepping back and really looking at the lengths I was going to in an effort to get turned on it’s obvious my dopamine responses were and are completely screwed up. As a baseline I naturally should be popping and holding a metal boner in the presence of an attractive naked female. However what I’ve pushed myself to need are hyperstimulating videos of
Some real, real, aggressive stuff...
These aren’t even fetishes per se. My brain isn’t getting the release I had before with arousal so it’s grabbing other entities like shame and aggression into the picture to get the same buzz until my whole brain is in on the action. Realistically I’m not even into kink, I just like healthy young ladies. I don’t really want to do awful shameful things to them, I would rather date them and love them. It’s to the point where I’m getting off on the degradation and shock. There was a time where a photo of a naked woman would stimulate me 100%, granted I was a teenager but I’m only 27 years old. Now I need things to be extreme, vulgar, and downright disgusting for any type of pleasure. My attraction response is getting mixed up with all kinds of other things. Attraction is shock, is disgust, is exploitation. These experiences are also completely under my control. I don’t even need to watch the girls get undressed, I start right at the full-on genital slamming in HD. There isn’t a conceivable way that a live human female can replicate that level of stimulation, not even close. Some nights I see over 1000 pairs of breasts before going to sleep. My erection response is instant, but fades after a few seconds without manual stimulation. When I went to strip club recently I received a dance from one of the girls. She fluff talked me for a bit and playfully asked “So, you wanna get your dick hard?”. Ha. I already knew I wouldn’t. A began to pop a chubby but it faded a few seconds in. A real live woman was clapping her ass in my face and I couldn’t remain aroused for ten seconds. Jesus wept. There were three girls in my life I was unable to preform with, when it came time for penetration I just wasn’t hard enough, or I lost my erection putting on the condom. It was so embarrassing and shitty. Never felt so worthless. It never occurred to me that my brain was scrambled by self induced brain chemistry changes. The last girl I was able to preform with I had abstained from orgasm for 2 weeks and had a slightly stronger erection. Also, she didn’t make me use a condom and went right from oral stimulation to penetration so I had no chance of going soft. What was worse I tricked myself into believing I loved her, because I didn’t think I would be able to preform with any other woman. In the long run this caused me massive emotional pain as she was not who I had built her to be in my mind. Since then I’ve been afraid of sexual encounters, I’m not a bad looking guy and people often assume I’m gay, because I dress well and I’m not having any sex with the girls that are available to me. I can also detect a degree of contempt from these girls toward me, which is subtle but present. I know if I was 100% confident in my erection I would have little problem getting with amazing women but I don’t even try. Last night I read about rebooting and there really isn’t any other option for me. My withdrawal symptoms won’t compare to the pain of being alone and “broken”. Anyway, I’m on my seventh-day and I’ll chronicle my reboot progress here. I can only hope I’m not damaged beyond the point of repair. The fact that I was able to have sex in the midst of depraved habits with a few favorable circumstances seems to bode well for me. I want those girls in REAL LIFE.
Had a dream last night I was in college. There were two girls I was socializing with, their faces and looks were very vivid. They weren’t real people, but they seemed normal, not fake porn girls. I woke up with morning wood which was a nice surprise. It stayed for about 5 minutes after I got out of bed. Otherwise I’ve pretty much “flatlined” since day one. I have a compulsion to masturbate but no real physical cues. I just want the rush. It’s stupid, I should be having a physical response to cue me, not boredom. I’m really excited and can’t wait to have my confidence back. I wish I could fast-forward to after my reboot.
Nothing. no morning wood to speak of. No dreams or desire to M. Occasionally a porn fantasy pops into my head unbidden but I throw it right out. Not really any urges. Feel almost asexual. People talked about this phase and I thought I was going through it but I guess not. This sucks.
My computer crashed while I was asleep and I lost a few days of journal. needless to say the last few days have been more flatline (yawn). Also I’ve been wandering around at night a lot, restless and nearly unable to sleep. This morning I woke up with morning wood unlike anything I have experienced in my life, 95% erection. It was throbbing and almost hurt, the whole thing lasted for nearly half an hour. For the first time I actually had some physical horniness through the day when I saw cute girls. To clarify, beforehand I was experiencing urges to orgasm, or an intellectual knowledge that a girl was cute. Today I actually FELT something. It isn’t nearly 100% but today was an important stepping stone, and I can’t wait til everything is back in order. These things wax and wane but if this was an indicator of what’s to come, (fuckyeah, Puns!) I can’t wait.
Nearly relapsed today. I was cleaning out my computer when I noticed a saved copy of one of my favorite videos. “Well, I’ll just open it to be sure what it is.”. I watched for about 30 seconds and felt all the familiar parts of my brain light up like a Christmas tree. Those pathways were starving and I gave them a little snack, so stupid. The feeling was horrifying, I snapped my laptop shut and later deleted the files. I feel pretty crappy about it. Less horny than yesterday and some morning wood, but I sleep and wake up in cycles, sometimes I notice it and sometimes I don’t. Hopefully today didn’t set me back much.