A good book.

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Submitted by Arnold on
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I had another major flare-up of Crohns' disease over the last couple of months. As I was going down, I received a book I had ordered. It is called "Love at Dancing Leaves: A tantra memoir" by M.K McCrae (Madhuri) (see: http://www.madhurijewel.com/book/index.htm).

It's a beautiful love story between two very unlikely people in a very unlikely place. It was the perfect way to survive the kind of hell my body (with my mind and mood hot on its tail) goes through during a flare up. It gave me hope that love between men and women actually is possible at the depth I seek it most.

If you get a chance, read it. It was definitely well worth it for me!

Ciao for now!




Hi Marnia,

Thanks for the hug.

Yes. I'm doing much better now. It was a very wild and painful ride, as usual, but I think I learned at least one very valuable thing through the process.

For about the last six years my main motivation for staying alive has been to prevent my mother suffering any further emotional trauma. She went through some very heavy trauma (death of her much younger brother and twin sister (all her siblings)) when I was very young (in utero to 9 days old, and 3.5 years old). I think that trauma (and the way it didn't get resolved at all even to this day) set up my personality to be overly focused on her emotional well being than my own survival related needs.

Having done pretty much everything I could think of over the last 6 years to keep my body well and finding that it wasn't working, I simply gave up trying to protect her emotional state at the bottom of this flare-up. It's unusual place for me to be not trying to get off this planet or struggling against huge health problems trying to stay on it. It's much more relaxed being in a place where struggling to survive doesn't seem all that relevant or important. My body seems to like it.

I resuscitated a really good diet for Crohn's (http://www.breakingtheviciouscycle.info/ and http://gaps.me/preview/?page_id=28) and now that I have adequate support to follow it (It's not a particularly easy or inexpensive diet to follow) seem to be able to stick with it. It's doing me alot of good. My mother is helping more than before (She's moving to be closer). I've also come across a brilliant hypnotherapist and have been offered some Shiatsu too. In these sessions I seem to be releasing alot of deeply repressed pain.

Something's changed with the way I relate to women too. Just prior to this flare-up I was running into women in the healing groups I was attending in whose presence I felt intensely triggered. Too much to return. Recently I went to a potluck for one of these groups. Two of the women were there and I didn't get triggered at all. In fact, I felt attracted to the woman in whose presence I had felt most strongly triggered previously. I'm curious about this because it's a profound change for me.

So yes, I'm doing better. I'm slowly weaning myself off the crisis drug I had to go on. The diet seems to be helping a great deal as are the other healing modalities that I'm pursuing. I'm slowly but steadily getting stronger (I walked 4km today! (up from not being able to leave my apartment about a month ago)).

Thanks for your concern.

I hope that you and Gary are well.



Actually I lied

This statement: [quote=Arnold] I think that trauma (and the way it didn't get resolved at all even to this day) set up my personality to be overly focused on her emotional well being than my own survival related needs. [/quote]

isn't exactly accurate. She did talk briefly to me about her brother about a month ago. Fifty years after the fact of his death is a long time to grieve, but what to do? It looks like its happening at long last. Not sure how long its going to take for her to let go of her sister, but that's her problem.




Hi Marnia,

Maybe I'm overly optimistic, (it is a trait of Enneagram 7 personality types like mine), but I feel pretty good.

When my mother said that she was moving to town, I didn't feel disturbed by that at all. This is new for me. Her intentions are really good. Her awareness of how her worry, fear, and anger can impact me isn't always so good, but recently I've been able to communicate at that level with her quite effectively without destroying her positive intentions. It's a delicate line and one I seem to be slowly mastering. She'll be a huge help with this new diet I'm on (It involves a massive amount of preparation).

There is some past life stuff in there too which kind of cranks up the intensity. I think I have a very strong pattern of seeing life on this earth as necessarily ending in very traumatic ways. I'm doing my best to embrace the possibility that "Life (on this earth) can be fun". It seems to be a novel concept for me.

Flare-up's, although intensely painful, don't freak me out as much as they first did. I've been through five. So I know the warning signs really well. Finding the route to healing can be challenging, in part because our medical model is sick, our most intimate relations are mostly sick, our food supply is generally sick and much of our culture is sick. It takes alot of strength and courage to stand up to all that. I imagine you know that well (in perhaps a slightly less intense way physically) as you've worked to promote healthy approaches to intimacy.

Thanks for all you do. It makes it a little less lonely and difficult for me out here.




I hope so too. I think, that in a more covert and hidden way, she's doing her own healing. There's certainly lots of trauma in her family history and amongst women of her generation in general.