Six weeks went by since we told each other "I love you" and said our goodbyes on her front doorstep. She told me she'd write that week. No letter came. I presumed turning my back on her fuck buddy arrangement had been a slash to her ego. "Screw you!". So that's that. But the opposite transpired. It was the most beautiful letter I have ever received. I felt an unusual mixture of happiness, exposure, and vulnerability as I read it. She knew things I'd felt she didn't, or couldn't, and gave me insights into my own life which I had even realised myself. How unusual for someone to know you better than you know yourself. I can't hide from this woman even if I wanted to. She well and truly knows me.
She told me she'd come to realise how she'd acted and how she'd been hiding and running from the relationship. I wondered whether a man turning down no strings sex with her because he wanted more would shock her. It did. She admitted she'd given herself in the only way she knew how; physically but never emotionally. She said she'd found it hard to admit why she needed me. In the past she'd seen it as a weakness. I was touched by her openness and honesty.
The letter came a few days before the third anniversary of my friends death. I was unexpectedly hit with a sadness that morning and the person I wanted to see more than anyone was her. My first reaction was to call her and ask to stay at hers that night. I didn't want sex I just needed to be with her. She's the one I turned to. I didn't even have to think that through. But I'd said goodbye and it felt weak to go to her as soon as I felt down. I'd cried earlier in the day for around half an hour. It completely caught me off guard. Last year hadn't been like this. It was sad, yes, but not like this. In a way I'd never truly grieved. I'd talked to her about it at length and it felt like this year was my release.
I called her in the evening. To hear her voice, that loving caring tone. I was cut up on the phone and felt vulnerable reaching out to her. She asked me if I was alone and when I said 'Yes' she instantly said she would come to mine. It would take over two hours door to door, yet I knew she was deadly serious. The time, her commitments and work were irrelevant. We talked for a good while. Something had changed in her, like she was finally letting me in. She told me how deeply she loved me. How much she had missed me. How much she needed me in her life. We agreed to meet up when I got back from my holiday.
I had five days between a family holiday and leaving for three months of travel. I drove to the train station on the day I landed to pick her up. As I waited I mad the simultaneous feeling of excitement and nervousness. Then she appeared, smiling, looking as pretty as ever. We walked up to one another, kissed, hugged, smiled and walked hand in hand to my car. It always amazes me that however long we spend apart we seem to click right back to where we were and things are never awkward.
I actually wondered what on earth we were going to do for the whole weekend. However those two days raced by and turned into five, spending every moment of every day together, and at the end, as I left for the airport, we felt rushed for time. Time was constantly moving too fast. Sleeping, eating, walking, laughing, talking, showering, bathing, cooking, dancing. And endless sex. Kinky sex, rough sex, public sex, tantra, in the garden, bondage, in my car. We were playing catchup and making the most with the little time we had. It's so unusual that our sexual 'chemistry' is so strong now yet it was almost non-existent when we met. There wasn't a crazy lust period rather our attraction grew out of a genuine friendship. One of the unexpected advantages of rebooting was that we waited months before having penetrative sex. I'm certain it led to us getting to know one another in a way we wouldn't of otherwise.
But our sex life had always been good. Often too good. What was different was her openness and emotional vulnerability. We were having sex on the floor and we switched to some tantra on the couch. She told me how much she'd love me and became overwhelmed with emotions. She later told me never said that during sex. She then started crying. I wanted to change the atmosphere so I started giving her big sloppy licks across her face like a dog. We both burst into laughter. I was still hard inside her and we were both in absolute hysterics, uncontrollable laughter for around a minute. It's strange but that was one of my very favourite sexual moments, connected in every sense, completely filled with joy and totally lost in the moment.
I felt she wanted to really see into my life in a way I hadn't before. She introduced me to her parents on Skype. She was letting me in for the first time. I was surprised by what I found. I knew she was sensitive and fragile deep down but I had underestimated the extent. I remember lying in bed and she just wanted to be held. She told me she felt safe here. In my eyes I saw this young innocent girl. The tough independent woman was no longer there. The performance was over. And perhaps this is why she had erected so many walls of defence; they are necessary to protect her real delicate self. I felt honoured to see that part of her. I know few will of witnessed it.
We're a couple of touchers
We call ourselves 'touchers'. We can't be in the same room and not be touching each other. She said I had always been a very tactile person with her and I saw how sensual she was early on. Touching has always been a very strong part of how we interact. She didn't fully click with Cupid because of this. We'd always naturally done the exchanges. We'd always cuddled, shared baths, kissed, walked hand in hand. That weekend it was almost absurd how comfortable we'd become. It felt like we were playing the part of a married couple in that house.
Revelations and honesties
She told me her period had been late this month, by 10 days. She'd spoken to her best friend about it and they'd talked things through. She had started to imagine what that life would look like. She'd said she could see herself being happy and told me she genuinely felt sad when her period came. I sat there listening quietly. "Uh, huh!". What's odd though is that I was oddly relaxed. I'm certain my reaction as little as a year ago would of been to run for the hills at hearing this. But I didn't. It wouldn't be the worse thing in the world. It would be far from ideal timing but it wouldn't be a living nightmare. It amazes me to say it but I could happily see her as the mother to my child. My reaction surprised the both of us.
Going full circle - from purely sex to non-physical
Now I find myself a month into a three month trip. We've been speaking on Skype once or twice a week. I hung up the other day and was astonished to see we'd been talking for the past two hours. We also write each other long letters. It's turned into a kind of shared journalling where we share our pasts and inner most thoughts and feelings. In ways we are bonding and connecting like we never have before yet it also feels lacking.
It's strange how we've come full circle from fuck buddies to a sexless long distance relationship. I'm so grateful for those five days before going away but it's also made things harder. It felt like the start of something and not an end. Had I not of been going away we'd be boyfriend and girlfriend. But perhaps that's why it happened. A goodbye triggers things which otherwise would stay unearthed.
I've felt the sharp shift from five days of constant touch to a month of no touch. So much of the way we relate is now not possible. We've talked about seeing other people whilst we're apart. We both agree that we should let the other see someone else but that it's painful to acknowledge that. I know how much she loves sex and being close to someone and I want her to be happy. I hate the idea of her turning people away, not being able to engage with someone on that level, but I also don't like imagining the situation. It's a very strange feeling and set of thoughts. She's told me she personally doesn't see much point. She's done the hookup thing and knows it doesn't make her happy. She can't imagine starting something with someone else. I feel the same. No one seems to compare. It's not that no one else is fun or intelligent or attractive it's that we're starting at square one. A shared history, intimate knowledge of each other, in jokes, none of these things exists. But my sex drive is buzzing and I miss sex. I feel like I want a two week travel romance. Something honest, straightforward, fun, and simple. It's a confusing and conflicting set of thoughts and feelings.
Mostly I just miss her.
I hadn't expected to feel like this. It's hard. I feel like a part of me is missing. I miss her but what's more I miss 'us'. We always laugh our assess of together, we're totally ourselves, embarrassment and shame no longer exist. We are at times utterly silly and child like. Laugh, cry, sing, dance, make fun of each other. There's no judgement. We get and understand one another in a way that makes talking to others feel hard. I told her when we split up that I wish I was gay or she was unattractive because then we could just hang out without any of this nonsense relationship, us, questions and thoughts getting in the way. She's really has become one of my very closest friends.
Last Wednesday was one year since we met. It's funny that I found this out from this website. It tells me I've been a member for a year and I joined it and started my reboot two days before meeting her. I told her this and we agreed it was the least romantic way to know but somehow fitting. One year without porn. I well and truly have broken that habit. It also got me thinking about us. I thought about that random night we met. How much we've both changed and what we've been through together. And I realised we've only been officially 'boyfriend and girlfriend' for around two months of that year. We've been free to see anyone else the rest of the time but we've chosen not to. We've said goodbye countless times yet we always come back to one another, and every time our bond seems to only get stronger. We don't seem able to shake the other off. To the outside world we look turbulent. We are not people to stay in a relationship because it is comfortable and nicer than being single. I see friend's relationships go years without hiccups but I've come to realise length and civility are no barometer for depth.
I want so much to be with her. I've contemplated buying her a flight. I think I may end up cutting the trip short. I have a strong feeling that travelling here alone isn't right. I've never felt this way on a trip before. But then I've never left something so valuable behind.