[Developing] natural abdominal breathing...will have a wonderful effect on all the organs in your abdominal cavity as they begin to benefit from regular, internal massage. (Chuen,L 1991:65)
The easy flowing breath...creates a wave that...pulsates through the elastic diaphragm...pushes downward on the organs and so pulses into the...intricate web of muscles [that] form the genitals...continually massaging the sexual center. (Richardson,D 2006:72)
Its a week of sex on the down slope of her monthly cycle, and equally her post O. But the main highlight of the week is my establishing qigong practise. So the theme is clear-cut. Breath.
Well the train of events that started on saturday, has a sequel, of course. On sunday I rose at 4, had an amazing qigong session, just really into it. Breathing really slowly, body and mind feel just there. Wrote briefly, and read some more of Cohen's The essential Qigong.
At 7.30 i went back to bed, and held her for an hour as she tossed and turned. When she’s finally coherent, she makes coffee, which is probably a good idea to ward off the headaches:) I share some quotes from my qigong reading. She shares her daily meditation reading. Out of the blue she picks another fight with me over whether I’m judging the material. All i was doing was listening quietly, i guess she was wanting some feedback. When i finally get her to look at me, she calms down, i reassure her and she continues reading. One passage in particular sets her off, about being judged.
As well as this old self-esteem issue bubbling away, she’s only just scratched the surface of her present grief. Possibly some post O hormones as well? So we spend at least an hour maybe two just looking into each others eyes. I’m keeping my hands off her, i want her to find her own readiness. I’m in no hurry, I’m enjoying looking and being, feeling connected, (as opposed to connected) and i tell her that connecting both ways is nice, so she feels no pressure. Our expressions go through whole episodes of scene changes. My erections come and go, lol, but i just ignore them, so does she!
Its now the afternoon and i at some point drop my expectation that our date will take place. On the one hand we have a deal, on the other she is upset, tough call. But we are so close that she sees all this occur in my face and asks me about it. Ok so maybe i do want her to want me. Just a little. I tell her that i want to connect with her, smiling. It will make our two halves whole. She kind of tunes into this, but initially more to please me, or maybe because she feels wanted, than that its 'a good thing to do'. I place her hand on my root, and she starts to tickle me awake with the other hand. After another while she pulls closer to me, and we kiss, and she worms the tip into her entrance. I shift for the first time in some hours to kneel between her legs. This shift helps and the oiling up associates in our minds. I re-enter just the tip, then stop. I ask her what she wants, more or wait. She seems to appreciate being given control here. She guides me in about a half inch at a time, over 15 minutes or so. She is still dry at this point, as the last two times.
The first hour is mostly in stillness, infrequent jiggles on my part to maintain a soft erection, lots of eye time. She’s starting to warm up. There’s no feeling of hurry and it feels like we could stay connected like this all day. By the hour mark she’s lubricating and the tenderness has passed, and she is also really really relaxed, like I’ve never seen her. She is indeed a real delight today. The kissing is deeper, and sensations between our love areas constantly changing and growing, and the connection between lips and genitals amazing. We spend the whole time at full penetration, there’s no real in and out, except maybe a half inch here and there slowly and at odd intervals. We start at our usual position (141-14) then rotate through the whole gambit of Richarson's rotation through the rear. The second hour she is juicy to the point of slobbering, but still relaxed. The transformation in her is really quite incredible. We are rolling and kissing and gazing and rolling and kissing and gazing, on and on, it is our best work yet. She has quite literally come alive.
Once we get back around to the front, we fit in a good while in some front facing legs criss-crossed variations, which have also grown on us; these are from the rotating through front series. After that to scissors and the relaxation goes another level deeper. I can now stop doing. We talk about how we seem to have confirmed that women need more time, her only really coming alive after the first hour. She reviews her post O experience, and she concludes that on balance it wasn’t worth it. While there has certainly been other things going on, this is the first time she’s snapped at me in months, 9 days post O.
By about 3 i start to feel responsible for her work, and start to talk about things to do. But now of course she doesn’t want to separate. I joke that i have spent the whole day trying to talk her into it, and now the rest of the day to talk her out of it. We both laugh heartily. After she bathes, she’s got her first real case of full blown after glow. Even hours later she’s still smiling, and lots of 'you know what, i love you's. Of course, I’m smiling too. I’m smiling because she is smiling.
Day 92 PM0:1,18,7, Post O Me/her:14 days/9days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days/1 days
Yesterday i sleep in again. What is this thing where after really deep sex, my sleep pattern changes. Too early to say yet, could be other things. I think food has more influence on my sleep than anything. I’m annoyed and behind all day as a result. My eating rhythm is disrupted and i have a restlessness induced desire for stimulation of all and any kinds. The arousal cravings i have feel very much in the mind, as my genitals feels at rest. However i succumb to a session of soft porn, still pictures, and a little edging, as far as that nauseas state. Again the beating heart, but wow this one girl is just like wow to look at.
I’m trying to unpick this, to see how after the most satisfying sex, this could have come about. Firstly we had indian for dinner on sunday, but eating reasonably lightly. I have been either avoiding the red wine, or having half a glass sometimes but only on non date nights, mainly because of the hangover it gives me in the morning. Didn’t have any that night. Thirdly i woke up late on monday feeling groggy in my body. Fourthly qigong was different. My whole body was vibrating, and twitching sort of, and it was distracting. Not knowing whether it was a good thing or a bad thing, i classed it the later, because i was also short of breath. Couldn’t seem to get enough air into my body no matter how deep i breathed. I suppose that’s the problem not having a teacher.
The other thing I’ve noticed lately is that I’m clenching my jaw. I discovered this when doing the dishes yesterday. First i noticed my stance, fixed that, then noticed the clenched pelvic floor, fixed that, oh and gosh I’m really clutching my jaw, tightly. Lastly i sit cross legged a lot. At work especially. And sit obliquely twisting my hips and abdomen too.
As i write this what i feel is thirsty, really thirsty. Its 5, and I’ve completed 30 minutes of qigong already, starting into the first of Cohen's standing meditations. These are more subtle [than the stuff i got from youtube], but definitely more powerful. I’m off to get water. He says cold water isn’t good. As i move about the house i feel a residue of the qigong.
The other thing is the laptop, and computers in general. I have three computers in my office. To keep my body moving from long days on the computer, i sometimes spend a couple hours with the laptop on my lap in the early afternoon. I’ve always suspected that this isn’t good for your genital health, but post reboot i'm much more sensitive in that area and yesterday in particular I’m aware that the laptop gives me this tingling sensation in my groin.
The thing with a laptop is that they are so lightly constructed they don’t have anywhere near the RF shielding that a desktop pc has. A token piece of aluminium foil stuck to the bottom of the plastic case is most common, but it is far from effective for various reasons. The radiation that is emitted from a computer while at a much lower energy level is at the same frequency to that of a microwave oven.
Seeing what i can find out, www.lessemf.com/computer.html#257 states that a laptop placed on your lap exposes you to 3-4 times background level, mostly in the magnetic band. However a 3" clearance is sufficient to reduce that to near background levels.
She arrives home really really mellow. We watch a movie and cuddle. Snowflower and the Secret fan. Its about close sister like bonds between women in china. It really makes her cry a lot.
Day 93 PM0:2,19,7, Post O Me/her:15 days/10days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days/2 days
Back to a better rhythm again, and tuesday i have some of the same restless feelings. I start to really make an association between this restless feeling and the idea of low dopamine. PMO cravings are just part of a basket of stimulation seeking in these moments. When i notice this state of being during the morning, i get up and refill my glass with water. I can’t seem to ever drink too much. I know its date night and that is enough to sustain me through the day without further mishap. Now with the weather being so bad for days now, i am so badly in need of some exercise. I guess that’s why you see runners out in all weather. They just gotta go. Doesn’t matter.
When she arrives home we are both just so glad to see each other. Like the oxygen has been turned back on. She is however fairly het up about work, and that continues even through the night and into the morning. Our bath reading today is chapter 6, the eyes. This is my second reading of that particular chapter, but it seems like i never read it at all. In particular the idea that the eyes can either receive or give energy, but that we typically haemorrhage vast amounts energy through our eyes stuns me. And that it is this that leads to bad shoulder alignment, is definitely me.
She is the most distracted yet, i think. Just can’t leave her day behind. I teach her two new qigong warm up exercises, then give her a good long shoulder, neck, back, bottom and thigh massage. She’s not sleepy just ratty. Then we do the pole holding meditation for 30 minutes, during which i have not a spark of arousal at all. Then out of the blue she says she’s ready, and I’m a bit puzzled. She really works the oil into her vagina, and seems to be relishing it, which is unusual, she normally does this step a bit disdainfully. I’m not sure whether she’s moving things along to keep to the timetable or what, but when i enter its clear she is indeed ready. This is radical as we haven’t even kissed. But as i enter her effortlessly, and quite quickly maybe taking only a minute in one-inch increments she is really receptive with no tenderness, but still remains relaxed and calm. I tell her we have come so far is such a short time it’s wonderful. Then we kiss at length and roll and its like we never really left off last time, just clicked straight back in to that wonderful connection, and playful energy.
There’s one other thing, i found entering a challenge this time. The top half of my penis is a little achy the last few days, and getting the head through the band of outer muscles is some combination of super stimulating and painful. Once in i feel safe and ok. Now the achy penis, what’s this about? During the holding of poles, i notice that the previous ache i experienced when held at the root of my penis is now gone. It seems to have moved into the shaft. It could be one of three things. First, a simple strain of some kind, from lots of use. But we have had the most gentle sex and any touch on my part has been not 1% of its pre karezza/reboot day to day handling. Second, a different form of blue balls, some sort of reboot connected ache. Lastly, something like a male version of Dianne's stored vaginal tensions.
Anyway I have it in my mind to, when she seems relaxed, try the full rotation though the front. We get as far as yab yum, and stay there for about 30 minutes, we are just both enjoying it so much to move. I ask her if shes feeling relaxed enough to try her on top, and again she says no. Knows her limits. I explain that while enjoying learning to take control and being the dynamic masculine one, im curious to try being able to relax my whole body as well.
But qigong teaches me that i can relax my abdomen while moving it, and i think i actually manage to apply this to our lovemaking. I especially notice it in our 'usual' position (kneeling between her legs). Having attended to toileting prior also helps.
Finally after yab yum, back to the 'usual', and while I’m aware we could easily go on for another hour easily, it is bed time, and call it done out of duty really. She agrees quickly. Now as the lights are all off, (except a torch on my bedside table as the bed side light is too bright) sex by torch light tehe. Into scissors, but I’m aware of feeling different, for a start I’m hot, shes got a full bladder, but doenst want to attend to it because it means disconnecting. Hence i have to move my leg lower to where it isn’t supported, and it isn’t that comfortable. We eventually slip into bridge position, and lay there for 15 minutes or so before falling asleep, feeling a bit incomplete. I cant really remember disconnecting, only vaguely in the night sometime. We both toss and turn a bit in the nite.
I want to talk about all this with her. I’m not sure but i think we stopped too soon, that for an hour of lost sleep at the start of the night, might have gained an hour later, and that we need to resolve the domesticity at the end better somehow, either disconnecting and attending the house, or sorting something out the lighting and toiletries.
When i awake at 5 this morning, that we stopped too soon feels right. I’m a bit aroused, and ejected feeling. I’ll need to be vigilant today. Both of us, she nearing Marnia’s circa day 12-14 spike.
These new qigong exercises are powerful i find myself carrying the energy around the day. My routine domestic movements start to contain a flavour of qigong. 7am now and time to kick in with the day.
Day 94 PM0:2,19,7, Post O Me/her:16 days/11days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days/1 days
Interesting that what i feel during the morning yesterday is not cravings but a strong need to nurture my genitals, i find myself gently but firmly holding them for a long while. They feel broken, and need my help somehow. That vulnerability continues through the day and all sorts of difficulties get thrown my way during my work day. By the end of the day I am somewhat upset.
She however having braced for a difficult day due to broken sleep got the exact opposite, and is upbeat. But she wants to watch a movie and chooses something adam sandler which feels just so unauthentic, we both cant help but sigh, that in this short time, our reality now feels just so far from the supposed convention. Before it’s even half way she tries a second movie, an over-art-y thing without dialog, the Tree of life. Meanwhile I’ve told her about my vulnerable crotch, and she having offered to hold me, I’m snuggled up to her with my face buried in her chest, me holding my crotch. I can’t see the second movie just hear it, and i feel like I’m in a trance.
Failing to reach the end of the second movie we just go bed at 8.30. We go straight to sleep her holding my root. I awake at 12, feeling at peace and continue the vigil holding it myself. Moments later its 5 and i awake still holding my root, feeling an inner calm, and my penis feels happier for the first time in days.
But during that last sleep i dream vividly about chimneys of all things. I am at this camp of some kind, and there is a large common area with several woodstoves. However we move to someone’s house, where i discover that the wood stove there is broken. The flue has come adrift from the stove. The flue passes through a nest of panels and cavities which make it difficult to get at or fix. The place has been atrociously constructed, ill conceived, mindlessly patch over patch. I know how to fix it. If i could just find the actual break i could fix it. Stumped, eventually i decide to tell someone about what i found, everyone else is oblivious, and then go for a stretch outside to clear my head, in my absence they've called a meeting to decide what to do. They are agitated and blaming me for the problem. I say hey I’m neutral about it, we can stay here and try to fix it, or, return to the camp. No big deal..
I find myself recalling an incident in the bath on tuesday evening, where she’s tickling her thigh on the end of my floating penis. It feels like a game, and she isnt considering the effect on me. It kind of physically hurts, even though its just so little touch.
This morning once she’s out the door, and its a rather curt parting, (she’s trying to talk to me, but i just need some time to get my dream down, and gather my feelings up; I hope she will forgive me) i feel calm and without want, but my hand gravitates down my trousers and just cradles my root and testicles. I sit here just feeling it for ages, i mean its 8am, broad daylight and i feel like a right twit.
But on a hunch I feel moved to go further so kneel on the floor with my trousers down, and just hold it. Slowly slowly it grows, and i start to notice things, things that I’ve never really noticed before, like how the top inch or two bends upwards, how there’s these lateral muscles on the sides connecting the root to the body, i never even knew were there, how there’s two large blood vessels on the top shaft surface, one deeper and one shallower. The outer one forks out like a tree but ultimately into two branches one each side of the tip. I follow the forks around to the lip of the foreskin. I feel in that moment just so grateful to still have it, otherwise those blood vessels would not be there. The vessels circle further, right round the back and then up towards the taught slither of skin that joins to the glans. There’s a scar on that strip of skin where it tore somewhat from overuse as a 20-something.
As i continue to cradle myself one hand under the root and one under the shaft, it tells me it likes its erect weight to be supported, the strain taken off it. And as i ponder the abuse i and others have given it, it slowly relaxes and shrinks. There’s a feeling of grief but of compassion also. I hold it for maybe half an hour in total, and then go outside and celebrate the first sunny day in about 2 weeks, by doing my qigong in the fresh air for a change, as it is supposed to be done. I’m vibrating and twitching all over, there’s energy moving, that’s for sure, but its all ok. I’m breathing and feeling well.
Day 95 PM0:2,19,7, Post O Me/her:17 days/12days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days/2 days
After my dramatic healing experience yesterday morning, i look at my desk and computer, then at the day outside, and say to myself no! I’m just not going to do it. Instead i go for a long walk to the local church, and there kneel alone in silence at length. After that i do some gardening, clean the windows, fix the washing machine, attend to the animals, and read some Qigong. Consequently i am in a good space when she arrives home only to find that she hadn’t moved on at all from when she left, and is actually feeling upset with me. She’s moody and there’s nothing much i can do about it. I offer to postpone our date til friday, which she jumps at a bit too readily. Day 12 blues? Poor sausage. I pour myself a large glass of wine, badly in of need of sedation!
This morning awake at 4, struggle with more shaking and trembling and lack of air during qigong. She’s quiet but functioning this morning, so i make her a smoothy, and am all done with my morning routine by 6.30.
Day 96 PM0:2,19,7, Post O Me/her:18 days/13days, POST PVI/Other: 3 days/3 days
After she’s gone, i relax finally. She’s been through the wringer, with layers of stuff piled on stuff. There’s her work, and her parents health, and now me and my drama. As compensation of sorts for the tension that I’m carrying as a result of all this, I give my penis a long oil massage concentrating on the tender lower shaft area. This seems to make it, well, more tender. Oh well. And i don’t really feel any happier. I have funny ideas about what’s good for me sometimes.
But, then, as i read You are a warrier , courtesy of Marnia, i cry all the way through it, only able to read a sentence at a time. Then as i read the commenters who are also crying, i cry some more. What i gift. I’m listening to Blonde Redhead's latest album as well, which is a pretty evocative bit of music.
I kind of pick myself up and soldier on. I’ve agreed to pick her up from work, while doing some errands. As i walk the main street, i hold my spine straight and long, and breath as i walk. I feel strong, and people are friendly, even slightly angelic. When we meet, she seems in a better space, and happy the week is done. We do the animals together, then eat some salad, then cuddle and read on the couch.
I don’t know about her, she seems done, and insists on her wine, so her commitment to our date seems low. We've discussed the wine a couple of times this week, Dianne advising against it prior to lovemaking. She doesn’t care, she 'needs' it. It’s my reward she says. This irritates me. She’s just digging her heels in.
As i read aloud, chapter 6, breathing. I see qigong ideas everywhere, for example start by focusing primarily on the exhalation. But one other amazing tip is this: in qigong they say that when you inhale into your belly to imagine not only your belly extending, but also your lower back. Dianne goes one further and says to also imagine the air pushing down onto the genital areas.
The wine and her week has done its job and by 8 she’s barely conscious. We go straight to bed, we hold each other for a while, then talk about the idea of soft penetration, because that’s about all we are capable of. There’s nothing, not the slightest spark. After 40mins of so i reach for the oil, and i manage about half an erection as she spreads the oil around us. I’ve asked her to be especially gentle with it. As i enter the first quarter, i ask her how is it. She says there’s (always) a slight burning at the start. Funny she’s never mentioned this before. By the time i'm in its straight back to floppy. I try to kiss her but she isn’t really interested, after a while her head goes sideways onto the pillow, her eyes closed.
I say to her, that I’m not sure if I’m welcome or not. She replies, what makes me say that. In a funny kind of way this clears my head and i get some perspective. I’m reminded particularly of the last couple of morning’s qigong where i struggle with my trembling and shortness of breath. When this happens rather than preserving, i usually get in a tizz and stop early. As a result my hesitancy now dissolves, and we agree that it’s enough just to be connected sometimes. Just observe what’s there, even if what’s there is almost nothing.
I was between her legs, as we find that the easiest entry position, without angles as it were, but now, scissors will be our friend. Having got a smaller light bulb for the bedside light, this i turn off, and before my head hits the pillow we are both sound asleep. Sometime in the night we deconnect gently and almost unnoticeably, and i awake exactly on schedule at 4. No residue or ejection. Pretty clear, all things considered.
I take the gift of learning that she gave me, and apply it to my qigong. Go with what is. I’m trembling and wobbling so badly i can barely stand, but i stick with it, hold postures longer and get through cohen's warm up, whole body breathing, and the purification series, and throw in some of Master Lam's first position. By this time my knees are burning, my back is killing me. But boy am i breathing. Dianne’s tip is a gem. The idea that abdominal breathing massages the internal organs is one thing but to massage your genitals as well is really cool. But the image and the sensation really just completes for me a picture of a deep cistern in my belly flooding full of air, expanding in all 3 dimensions, and I’m breathing like I’ve never breathed before.
Because of the burning in my body, I’m breathing fast, about twice as fast, but i seem to need the oxygen just now, and let it be. After a full hour has lapsed i stop, and I’m feeling, not light headed, but light in the head and in fact all over. When i walk to my desk, i feel like I’m floating, and when i sit my posture is perfect, i feel grounded, and the image of a balloon in by belly remains as i just breath properly for what feels like the first time.
Day 97 PM0:2,20,7, Post O Me/her:19 days/14days, POST PVI/Other: 1 days/1 days
I’ve just completed another leg shaking, hyperventilating 45-minute qigong practice. I feel deliriously alive. If this is what qi feels like, more will be absolutely fine with me. Thankyou. And reassuredly, Chuen says that trembling is to be expected in the second to fourth weeks.
Reconstructing yesterday, which is what it feels like, and amounts to, i recall sharing with my beloved what i had learnt the night before. She seemed pleased. I badger her into going on an outing until she finally relents. A real lovers weekend outing, with real pure crisp mountain air, a real mirror lake, reflecting real snow covered mountains, and we find a comfortable place to sit and cuddle and soak up the ambience and fresh air, stroke each others hair and talk idly about how our lives are improving, how karezza has enriched us. Then we walk, stroll really as far as we feel around the lake. Then lunch at an outdoor cafe on the way home. She’s all dolled up in her vibrant colors, and now glad she came.
Her belly cramps have started, quite suddenly. Oh well, at least we know that a several hour long karezza PVI plus ovulation plus her orgasm didn’t on this occasion result in conception. As i ponder Bonks, 'upsuck', next time we should definitely hold the orgasm. That just seems like sending the wrong message to anyone waiting around wanting to come into the world. We don’t want to conceive. We do not want to conceive. You can probably tell I’ve been reading Hotspring’s piece on birth control.
All of my beloved's periods since we started karezza have been regular at 29,27, and now 28 days. Prior to that they were all over the place, 5 or 6 weeks at times.
As we sit in the sun eating, life seems good, and i don't have any anxiety at all about the time of the month at all. Judging by friday, she proved that she is willing to commit to the schedule, even if its the last thing she feels like doing. And having made love three times each week since we started the schedule, i don't have any sense of lack. Besides which, having repassed the post O 3 week mark, i think i might be getting a bit of a libido rest, the last day or so, its feeling considerably more floppy. Whatever happens this morning will be ok.
Day 98 PM0:2,20,7, Post O Me/her:21 days/15days, POST PVI/Other: 2 days/2 days, Menstrual day 2.