a new trick -- and focusing on yourself not your partner

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Submitted by emerson on
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I learned a new "trick" today in Karezza this morning.

I can relax my root and draw the pleasure up into my whole body. It is simply astounding. Don't know what to call it but it is extremely and amazingly pleasurable. It's a full body experience and kind of like an orgasm but not in the genitals but all over.

I think you achieve that when you get good at focusing on your root (I don't know where a female would focus, on her breasts possibly or her pelvic floor?). It's a variation of "The Big Draw" but I didn't really pay a lot of attention to that Mantak Chia description except to read it once or twice awhile back.

When I lose my focus it goes away, but I could play with my attention and it came back. Just wonderful, really very similar to an orgasm but whole body and not a peak draining type experience and not a genital experience. No ejaculation.

And now let me tell you about the other part of this.

My partner was kind of out of it today as she is stressed out about a trip we're going on soon, but that didn't matter all that much for me. It bothered me a little but not that much. I'm learning...

...and it feels weird to say it but I've learned how important it is to focus on myself and not on my partner. She has taught me this very well. If I worry about her arousal and her pleasure, I get out of the zone and it isn't good for her either. She doesn't like it. I realize that if I'm focused on myself it works out much better.

This is very different from "mating sex" where it was all about getting her aroused. 

This happens all the time, as it did this morning: I can feel her energy passing and her body responding but afterwards she says "I'm stressed out, I didn't feel anything." But she did, I know she did, her body felt it, it responded, everything was a "go" but her cerebellum didn't get the message from the amygdala. It is blindingly obvious that her body "got" it.

But I'm okay with that. I will tell her that when we chat next about my favorite subject. And that's why I don't see this as selfish, really, although it sounds like it is. I guess that's why I'm posting about it. It does seem selfish but I don't think it really is.




Once this week she was so not there, and i almost got upset about it, until just in the nick of time i remembered to just let it be. Each moment is exactly how it is, and no point trying to be somewhere else.

Ill make you a deal, you keep reminding me, and i'll keep reminding you!

yep, we have a deal, TH!

I told my partner today how her body was responding and feeling it. She said, "I didn't feel anything" and I said, you were in your mind and disconnected from your body. It's not her fault. But it's something that can be practiced. She doesn't seem to want to practice that yet but it isn't my business, is how I look at it. My business is sticking to how I am and I feel. I am doing no good by being into her business. Don't know if you saw that from Byron Katie but it's one of her most brilliant observations.

We need

hear this more often. It goes against the grain for us guys sometimes, you know how much we like seeing you ladies get heated up. We need to feel like we have done our job and done it well or should I say we used to have that need. The trade off in putting that behind us is so worth it. My wife is becoming a different person. One of the big changes has been her willingness. It has been eight weeks now and I still have yet to hear, " not again, we just did it the other day" or "is that all you ever think about?" it is so nice to engage with her with no negativity between us. Thanks again Marnia, you are truly a blessing to us and our marriage!

i agree

my wife isn't all that interested but she will have sex with me very often compared to the old days. To return to my theme here, it feels a bit self centered because it is so pleasurable but the results seem to speak for themselves. She is more relaxed and happier and less moody. It continues to mystify me (and her to some extent) how it is evident that her body is saying one thing but those signals aren't reaching her thinking conscious brain.

Marnia and Gary are my heros. And so are all you guys and ladies here -- this has been the best thing in my life, ever. A complete game changer for me. 

thank you for that

it's reassuring. It's what I think too but the doubt is only because this is so amazingly pleasurable for me, and not apparently for her! It's very odd to feel so assymetrical versus my partner.


I think they (wives of ours) may have just as much going on as we do but it may not be quite as evident to them. They may not even be aware of what is happening, remember the whole, men, women, Venus Mars thing. And remember too that they are all different, unique individuals. I think we just need to appreciate them for who they are and relax, as you have said before, its all good. Dittos on your comment about this site and all the help it is, a game changer for sure! There is a lot of love here isn't there.