To start, I just need some place to vent. I would appreciate if someone reads this and just offers me some input:
Background: I've been trying to abstain from PMO since March, it's currently November. I've slipped up many times, but I've finally made it to 28 days of no MO so far (I quit porn around 2 months ago and don't intend to go back). I've had the typical highs and lows, but I'm really starting to get frustrated and depressed with this.
I'm 23 years old and still a virgin. I want to find the right girl before I lose it, but in today's age, it frustrates me that still being a virgin is frowned upon, and I hate how it makes me feel like less of a man. I've had some opportunities to lose my virginity, but I ultimately decided I didn't want to, because I don't understand the point of using somebody for sex. As dumb as this may sound, I'm really looking for true love; I want to find that one woman who believes in passionate romance like I do, not some bullshit one night stand or FWB kind of situation. But in this day and age, does true love even exist anymore? Or have relationship and sexual dynamics been perverted by porn and the media to the point of no return?
I know I'm a decent looking guy and I have a great personality which shines through on my good days, but why is it so hard for me to connect with women? Why do I get so anxious around them? Why do I start to judge myself, tell myself that I'm no good? I just feel like I'm too stupid to understand simple social dynamics. It also doesn't help that I've had low self-esteem since I was in about 6th grade (when I started getting picked on and coincidentally figured out what masturbation was). I've always felt like the odd kid out, and this always left me feeling pretty depressed. I've contemplated suicide on many occasions, and I hate how I still have these kinds of thoughts today. I know life isn't that bad, I've had great days as well which showed me how much life is worth living, but sometimes I'm literally in tears just wanting to end it all. I don't know if this is just part of the reboot, or if this is something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life?
I dread thinking that the rest of my life is going to be like this. I feel like if I'm never going to have a balanced neurochemistry, I might as well just end the pathetic life I have now.
This is all over the place, but these are just a few of the random thoughts I'm having.
Thanks for anyone who even cared to read.