Update on shame

Submitted by tornfromabook on
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I posted last about discovering a lot of shame surrounding my sexuality. I posted during "crisis mode" when I was feeling very down and desperate... after talking and exploring my feelings further, I found it easier to let go of my guilt and shame surrounding sex. I called my sister and we talked about it, about what we felt growing up. My sister told me she tried to find out about sex through books she found around the house, and ended up severely damaging herself because of it (she read romance novels, and a book called "Reviving Ophelia" which had stories of young women being raped, etc). I found the book she mentioned, "Reviving Ophelia", still sitting on my mom's bookshelf, and read it. It really explained well what I went through as a teenage girl, and helped me understand better why all women seem to have so much pain surrounding sex in their lives. I encouraged my sister to reread the book, now that she isn't 9 years old and can understand the content for more than just it's harsh real world examples. She hasn't yet.

Our sex life is pretty "normal" right now. As in, no karezza. It's conventional, it's about twice per week, and neither of us feels depressed or angry or anything. It's weird to find this middle place that we have never been in... this place of occasional orgasm with no hangovers... it's like the sex life everyone thinks they have, but they don't! It's weird. My husband has been struggling with a weird rash since March (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pityriasis_rosea), which is now reduced to just making his legs itch, but he swears it gets worse if he abstains from orgasm. He also thinks Karezza earlier in the year, and the buildup of energy from it, is what aggravated the rash in the first place (this has something to do with chinese medicinal philosophy, hot vs. cold energy and the like). In other words, he is not interested in Karezza until his legs stop itching. He feels very strongly that abstaining from orgasm 100% is not for him, at least not at this point in his life (he is 28, I am 24).

I am continuing to abstain from orgasm when possible, but not fighting it when it happens. Relaxing during orgasm has helped open my 3rd chakra, which is where I store all my anxiety. I no longer feel shame now that I have revisited my teenage sexual development and gained new perspective on it, and have learned to relax my tummy area during sex.

I have been in therapy for post partum depression, and have really turned a corner lately. This past week I was happy every day. No stress, no depression, no anxiety, so self-hatred. I feel like singing (and I have!). I can't remember feeling this way since way back in 2007, when I dropped out of college to move in with my rock star boyfriend (now husband and father of my child :) . I'm enjoying being happy again, and I hope it lasts.

An interesting hormonal change occurred as well... my fertility finally returned. I hadn't had a period since I got pregnant, because I am still nursing our 15 month old. I used to experience an unfortunate physiological thing called DMER, which is when you have a dopamine crash right before a milk letdown (in response to the oxytocin rise that nursing causes). I haven't felt that all week either! For the first time, I don't hate nursing my son.

Not sure if it was just the perfect storm of different factors or what, but things are finally looking up over here.

-Mrs. Tornfromabook



Thanks for your report

Sorry to hear about the rash. I'm glad your husband is doing whatever he thinks he needs to do. Hope his symptoms improve.

Glad to hear you're sorting things out and finding a workable balance.