Today has been possibly the worst day in this entire reboot. I could not stop thinking about gay fantasies. Fantasies of boys, and how sweet the sex would be. It was horrible. I couldn't take it. It wouldn't stop. I was crying all day. Getting close to guys (not even on purpose, but just by some "attraction" - big guys, practically openly flirting with them). This was the breakthrough I was afraid was going to happen. I don't know my orientation, and I don't care. But I'm just so sad, scared, and upset by all this. And then my girlfriend tried to calm me down with karezza, and I felt nothing. Just these fantasies. I don't want this!
Please tell me rebooters go through this weird phase. I can think straight, literally and figuratively. I was craving lesbian porn like in my younger days. But I always had this fear, that when I would think of something gay (which wasn't even often, I think) that I would always watch a straight porn with women and feel better. But without porn, my mind is free to go where it goes. And it's horrible. I hate this! Even the couple of times I invited my younger brother as a teenager (around 13) to M to female porn, I almost felt aroused by his presence, but I didn't look at him because it was intimidating. And he wasn't M'ing, but I did. It was so weird, that it kind of turned me on. I hope it doesn't mean I'm gay, though it seems I might be. And it's horrifying.
I read somewhere that very few people are either gay or straight. That we all fall on a spectrum. I just hope I have my attraction/arousal to women back, and not this. It's breaking my heart. I'll be bi, I don't care. Just not this. And I want to be attracted to and in real physical love with my girlfriend. I think she looks so hot, btw. So temptingly hot. But I feel dead inside. I nearly crashed the car on purpose today because of this, but I realized that I can always accept it if I'm gay and risking my life isn't worth it. But I do feel suicidal because of this, and it breaks my heart. I have not felt suicidal on my reboot.
Sorry to rant. I just needed to vent this.