Less than two weeks ago I stumbled onto Your Brain on Porn accidentally while on an Internet porn binge. Suddenly, my life's (disastrous) course since reaching puberty all made sense.The binge stopped the moment I watched the YouTube videos on porn addiction and I started a reboot that moment. So far, so good. Now, on to part two:
In my prior marriage I began to sense something wrong, something deeply rooted. My wife was a slender young woman, athletic and strong but relatively petite. I always felt that our intercourse was far too violent (and it was pretty tame stuff) to express the way I cherished her. I felt that the same old, mount, thrust, ejaculate was a sort of power statement, I the physically strong one of the pair "taking" my woman. By the last few years of my marriage I saw sex as a burdensome duty. We did it perhaps once a month, judiciously timed to avoid fertile days just in case the pill wasn't working. I longed for something else.
I used to ask her for cuddling but it seemed like a chore to her. She wanted to Git It On and I wondered what had happened to the tender love we used to have. The first few years of our marriage we always slept in contact with, at the very least, our feet in touching. Sometimes we would sleep in an embrace. In those days we were so close that it was beyond imagination. By the time that ten years had passed we were roommates with benefits once a month.
I also realized that I craved intromission and wanted to remain in that state as long as possible. I found that the female-superior missionary position was not satisfying because there was nothing to thrust against but for gentle intromission having my wife above me was glorious. Amazingly, I had stumbled upon a form of Karezza but didn't know that such a thing was ever done. I would have felt strange suggesting non-orgasmic sex to my wife. For all I knew it was against the law. :)
Reading through Cupid's Poisoned Arrow I am amazed and I'm only halfway through chapter one. THIS . . . is exactly what I want. I feel reconnected with part of myself that was left behind the first time I had an orgasm, self-induced BTW. Before that time I enjoyed having an erection and never gave thought to touching myself for pleasure. Just the fact that I was experiencing sexual stimulation from the erection was more than enough to keep me happy. After my first successful masturbatory orgasm it was like throwing a switch and my erection became an enemy that could ambush me at any time. It didn't matter what I was doing, if I felt aroused I would need to "relieve" the situation. I practiced this at work, in my car, in the bathroom, in bed . . . Good thing I wasn't an astronaut. :)
Anyhow, understanding the porn-dopamine cycle has been a revelation. I've managed resist the commands of that switch setting inside me that insists upon an orgasm whenever arousal happens. In fact, the switch is already showing signs of flipping back to its proper setting. But this isn't meant to be a post about porn addiction, it's about finding the second piece of the puzzle.
Many people today treat sex like an olympic sport, it's a wonder that they don't have judges seated at a table, flashing a score for their performance. Porn highlights this sort of thing, in part, because a movie of two people having missionary sex would not show much beyond a thrusting backside. Undoubtedly, this is a factor in the decline of happy marriages. I can't make any other part of my life operate the way things are in the movies, why should sex be an exception.
So now I find that the way I learned to have sex, almost 50 years ago, is not necessarily the best way. I also learned to simulate sex emulating a less than ideal model of sex. I had pleasure in my erections and no sense of guilt. I was never tormented in any way when I felt pleasure at arousal until I brought my hand into the bargain. Amazingly, over 40 years later I've found that both sex and M do not need to center on orgasm and I'm all for it.
Mankind has had many dark ages. Superstition and fear of a multitude of "gods" held people down for years. People made sacrifices to please these "gods" up to, and including, human sacrifices. In the Christian era some scientific discoveries were frowned upon by a church hierarchy than would brook no challenge to their ultimate authority. Once again, the price was dear, disease, filth and even death of innocent people was the rule for many years. I can't help but wonder if a sexual "dark age" is coming to an end. There would seem to be a polarized situation where some people are diving ever deeper into the failed sexual philosophies of the last few decades while others are seeing that the way of the past may not be all that good.
A world filled with bonding-oriented mating would look quite different, at least IMO. Durable marriage and sexual practices that reduce the frequency of conception sounds like a good start to me. Instead of the stair-step families we see in some places today people could devote more time to the fewer children they bear and extended families could provide nurturing and companionship for children. (It is of interest to me that in some cultures cousins are actually considered brothers and sisters.) I may not live to see it, but I'd love to know how things turn out.