Question about masturbating while fantasizing a specific other

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Submitted by Islander on
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Would masturbation while fantasizing a specific person have a similar affect as having sex with that person as far as eventually losing attraction for that one as a fertilization receptacle, thus eventually desiring to move on to another person/object to fantasize over?

I do understand that masturbation per se causes undesirable results regardless. But still wondered about this specific.



I'm concerned about a friendship

I have with a man whom I don't want to be intimate with. But want to be platonic friends with. He doesn't know about the stuff we talk about here, and has said he's sexually attracted to me and I'm the object of his self-pleasure. I'm assuming I'll be boring to him pretty soon if he keeps it up long enough. Hopefully. And he'll go on to the next fantasy. Then I can be more comfortable around him. But in the meantime, I'm wondering if it might effect even how he sees me as a friend if he's recently "had sex with me in his mind."

So back to the original question -- wondering if masturbating with the fantasy of a specific person changes the way we perceive that specific person in the same way actual ejaculation sex with that person would.

I'd guess not

The post-O effects are different for masturbation. With intercourse, there's 4x the prolactin, for example. That offers more satiety, more "I'm done" feeling. Evolutionarily, it wouldn't make sense for masturbation to have that same result because no sperm have been planted. Job's not done. Smile

My theory

Perhaps not just a theory but based on my experience.

When you fantasize regularly about someone to masturbate, you eventually start developing some sort of feelings for them. i.e. At a subconscious level you tend to develop attraction towards that person without realizing it .

Over a period of time,yes, you will get bored fantasizing about that person and move on to someone else, but the attraction/feelings linger on longer even if you don't MO to them.

This even happened to me with celebrities even though I never met any of them but I was so attracted to them that I used to google-stalk them.

So with respect to your friend, my guess would be, he might move on to some other person at some point as far as fantasizing goes, but it will be harder to let go off the feelings/attraction that develop as a result of it .

having been in his situation once or twice

i'd assume things definately will settle over time. Being clear is always good. It doesn't have to be blunt or spelled out, but as long as he's not getting the kind of hugs which he'd possibly misinterpret or percieve with wishful thinking. It's great for the situation that you are considerate.


for your insights, Marnia and breath. I was trying to figure out why he was understanding, empathic, kind, content, at peace with the world, then suddenly would become angry, chauvenistic, and would remember benign actions that happened between us (like me asking him if he wanted a ride) many months ago and suddenly brings it up and changes his perspective on it as something that was attacking him ("You think I don't know how to drive or something?" Why are you so irrational?).

Then, out of the blue, he's understanding and the benign issue gets almost forgotten and he's not offended by it at all-- and it seems sincere that he's not offended, not like he's stuffing real pain.. He becomes a completely different person beyond normal mood swings of other friends and family I've known for years. Maybe he's somewhat naturally bi-polar-ish. It's just that as I read Marnia's (excellent) book he fits the description of behavior after ejaculation with a specific person.

The problem with madturbation

The problem with masturbation, as I see it, is the level of physical stimulation involved and fantasy. The pressure a man places on his genitals during masturbation is likely to be much greater than the pressure of intercourse. He can become desensitized an unable to achieve a normal response from intercourse. Fantasy, even fantasy about a real lover, takes a person out of the moment and away from reality.


He might get bored, but as long as he doesn't have sex with you he'll probably fantasize about it and build the fantasy up in his mind.

That's a bit of a barrier to authentic friendship if one party is masturbating to sexual thoughts about the other. Particularly when you know it is happening. I know I would not be comfortable with it.

If you want to see if the friendship is genuine, consider asking him to stop, as it makes you feel uncomfortable being an object of his self gratification. See how he responds. Of course you have no right to demand that he stop; but you don't have to be his friend either.


Thanks to everyone who shared their valuable insights and real life stories. Very helpful. This is truly a great community. It does make me uncomfortable that he does that.

I suppose we could maintain a friendship but it's just that his personality changes in such a similar way as the experiments Marnia and others have done when alternating karezza with conventional orgasm -- and then reporting on the personality changes of their lovers. Warm, light and understanding with karezza, then irritable and pushing away with conventional orgasm. So I was wondering if masturbation alone on a specific person could cause the same swings between closeness or conflict within just a friendship.

I think I'm trying to figure out the unfigure-out-able, but it really had me curious as to why he's so warm and fuzzy (not coming on to me -- we don't even live in the same state) and then out of the blue so attacking and irritable, which sounds so much like the folks who share fertilization sex.

Well written article indeed !

In particular, this paragraph stood out -

"It appears that some heavy porn users may be mistaking their persistent cravings for raging libido, when the cravings are actually addiction-related and arising from a sluggish dopamine response in their reward circuitry. "

I could actually identify with this. Although I was never into porn,I used to fap 2-3 times a day. I used to think I must be really awesome to have such a strong libido when most articles mentioned couple having sex 2-3 times a week.

Also, all my problems in life such as depression,inability to focus,grades in school suffereing etc started around the same time I started fapping. If only I had known then that masturbation was the cause of my problems, my life would have been so different .

Ahh well better late than never..!