So, the past few days, my partner and I have made a few baby steps of progress in karezza that I would like to blog about as to remember that they have happened!!
I will write briefly as possible so I can go to sleep tonight.. and have time to cuddle beforehand.
Here are a few of the insights which my partner and I discussed over the past few days:
I realize, I need a lot more time to relax to allow myself to feel pleasure, and there are specific things which I like.
After a few days of no intercourse, a week or more of no orgasms, and about a month of me telling my partner that I am serious about trying Karezza, my partner talked with me yesterday about how he missed sex. Specifically, he missed having conventional sex and orgasms, and that he believed that Karezza was a mistake. He explained to me that he came from a background and sexual history in which he never truly felt like he got to experience conventional pleasure on a regular basis- either he didn't have a girlfriend, was bullied and put down by people regarding his sexuality in school, or he had girlfriends that were shut off sexually or didn't have sex with him very often.
He told me that he feels like he's in a race track with Olympic runners going around him, while his struggling down on the ground, just trying to get up. Everyone else is saying, "Why aren't you running?" while his only response is "Just getting going,.."
I mistakenly heard this and took what he was saying personally. I thought he was suggesting that we have Olympic sex and that he would be hurt emotionally if we didn't "get going". In reality, he never suggested that.
In response, I said that I think there is a lot of information about Karezza and the science behind sexual relationships and we both need to be open and willing to learn. I explained that I was trying to avoid what had happened with me in past relationships- where I would literally "ram through" my feelings (and my vagina) by continuing to have sex when it wasn't pleasurable for me, and I would eventually become resentful, feel insecure and frustrated and not want to be in the relationship anymore. .. Of course, I always found other reasons why I didn't want to be in the relationship...
I told my partner that regardless of how good the rest of our relationship could go, I didn't want conventional sex- or more specifically, dopamine surges and oxytocin-depleted brain patterns- to push us apart... when my partner means so much to me.
He told me later that these feelings that he had regarding our current sexual life and potential Karezza sex were, again, based on his past experience and his current cravings for orgasm. He graciously told me that even though he felt these feelings, it did not mean that he planned on necessarily having daily conventional sex with me in the near future, or that he was against trying Karezza.
This brings me to say that it's important to listen to each other's feelings about different aspects of sexual life- without reacting but seeking to understand what the other person is going through. Literally feel as if you were that person, repeat back to the person what they told you, or in your head to yourself, and simply try to understand. It will give you a better picture what is good for the both of you- information never hurts, especially coming from your partner.
Realize that discussing sex is very rooted in feelings, which is very subjective and hard to rationalize or critically think about. Rather, it is a means of coming to acceptance about what someone is feeling, and being heard by another person. Your partner may not always say what they are planning to do, their intentions, what they think is best for themselves, or anything about your experience.. they are only saying what they feel. As my partner told me, "I'm not saying anything about our experience, all I'm saying is what I feel. I just want to know you understand, that's all I want from you."
Other wonderful things he told me today:
- "If there's one thing that's good about Karezza, even when I read about Karezza, even several months ago, it made sense to me that sex relaxes muscles in a way that other activities can't do. I think the problem with orgasm is that it creates hypertension, because after orgasm, some muscles do release, but the muscles surrounding them contract back again, so people remain in constant tension, wanting orgasm.. I can see how people who do Karezza have such vitality because they're not always going inbetween tension and orgasm."
- "There's no one I'd rather give more pleasure to." (than me :) )
We had sex today after he playfully tackled me onto the bed and we were cuddling, side to side, or him ontop of me.. Karezza that is. he told me to let him do stuff, and to just relax "maybe that is the key, for you to sit back and relax. You don't have to do stuff all the time, you know." He looked right into my eyes and we gently smiled at each other.
I allowed him to decide when to be inside me, rather than when I normally guide him inside with my hand. He thrusted to be inside of me a little too fast, and I told him that I don't like him thrusting. He said "I'm sorry" and it was a great improvement because he sighed and I could tell he genuinely was trying and cared about my concerns. I said , "Yeah, I think I don't like you thrusting too fast because then I tense up because I am scared. It hurts when you thrust because it rubs on my pubic bone." And he said, "well, tell me then." I know that he will try to thrust less, and go more slowly. There really has been progress.
My partner and I also discussed today about the concept of giving and how when we focus on how good we feel, we often lose the feeling. I have this issue more than my partner, as he says he can see me struggling to feel pleasure constantly, where he used to experience this in the past quite a bit.. "it was like a cat and mouse chase.. I was always feeling pleasure and then it would go away. I always felt like it was against me."
We relaxed and he tried new positions, all the while, I was relaxed and smiling because we had stayed still in one position for awhile. I think because we stayed with it, trying different positions, rolling around, laughing, or cuddling while PIV or PV touching, for over a half an hour, we both came out of it feeling pretty good- that is, no headache for me and more relaxation in both of us. We both laughed, teased, giggled more than usual today!
In general, after deciding that we both want to try Karezza sex- or at least be present to each other's feelings and trying to work it out in finding pleasure for both of us- I know that I felt a lot more cheerful and settled today, especially after having slow PIV and talking about sex.
Soon, I will be writing more about the itty bitty nitty gritty details about how my partner and I choose to have Karezza-influenced sex, which positions we like, what ideas or feelings each of us struggle with or enjoy in sex as a man or woman, and what next steps we are taking for us to work it out together in mutual pleasure and happiness in our sexuality. We want to call it Karezza Sutra haha Stay tuned!
More about my karezza journey with my partner and our updates can be found at my blog Change: Recovering Love Through Karezza-Influenced Sex and Emotional Acceptance