I know i'm a straight male, I always see myself with women, have had a lot of girlfriends, have dated a bunch of girls (had sex), but unlike a lot of people in the thread this porn addiction has been more of an ongoing process. I got into porn around 13 and discovered gay porn around 14/15, I am now 19. At around 15 I would masturbate to a lot of porn and I guess I desensitized myself and started watching/wanking to gay porn. This caused me to become very shameful and feel extremely bad, I would usually 'test' myself to straight porn to see if I could finish and then I would feel better. I'm so glad I came across this site because almost everything explained I experienced myself, I feel like I was reading about my own experience.
So since the age of 15 I would always use straight porn but then if the right pop-up ad came up, I'd tell myself i'm only gonna look at the gay porn (no wanking).. then I would only touch myself a bit then stop it, eventually I'd end up finishing, then that would lead to me feeling bad and the I would test myself (the whole cycle). But I started to notice what i was doing when I fell into the 'gay porn trap' but justified it because I always thought "this has happened before, all I need to do is watch straight porn and I'll be back to normal." It worked for a while, but in the last few months I started getting less and less aroused by straight porn and would fall into the 'gay porn trap', cum to those videos, then not be able to finish to straight porn. this is what really alarmed me!!
Thank god for this site, I've learned about rebooting and I am now on the 7th day (would've been 9th but i relapsed after the second day and it was the WORST feeling ever.. i was so ashamed.) However, I live in a very big city and I go to a gym that is in the core and it just happens to have a lot of openly gay people there who make intense "sexual" eye-contact around the gym if you look at them, and who show signs of being interested in the change room if you look at them for more than 2 seconds. Also a lot of them walk around naked (like most gyms) and I think you get my point. I've been going to this gym on-off since I was 16 and in the past I have been taken over by my intense urge for shocking situations (via dopamine) and have gone to an upstairs washroom where a gay guy who was giving me signs would follow me and then give me a blowjob/handjob.. there is usually no communication verbally when this happens or no kissing at all, everything is purely physical and right after it happens I leave and go on about my day, almost as if nothing happened. Afterwards, I obviously felt extremely bad about myself and terrible because like I put this addiction into action. I usually feel extremely disgusted and nervous afterwards to the point where I can't even have a proper conversation with someone because my mind is racing....
Long story short.. I haven't done this in a while as I have moved away for Uni, but I'm back home for the summer and go to the same gym and cant help but notice these older 'gay guys' who give me the look, and this gives me an erection in the locker room and a lot of fantasies. I try really hard not to act on them. ALSO, I am also experimenting with girls, it is very common when I have a girl in my room ready to have sex (has happened 3 times with 3 different girls) I can't get a boner!! I think this is performance anxiety and not sure if it has to do with the addiction but I have so many fears like "what if my past experiences with guys prevents me from getting hard with girls" or and then i think that creates the no-boner, also this fear is reinforced because it's happened so much (3 times so far), I worry I will never get hard with girls in that situation. But weirdly enough when I go home and fantasize about the same situation and masturbate in my room, I usually always get hard and can even finish to it. maybe this relates to flatlining??
I know this is long but basically I'm just wondering if I should stop going to this gym/being around a lot of gay people during my reboot? Or if it's better that I stay so I expose myself to this during my reboot (because I will see a lot of gay people in the future in my life). ALSO, I'm wondering if my situation with girls/perf. anxiety is related to the whole porn addiction/hocd thing. Thanks so much for your help! I am in need of it!