Two Months In

Submitted by bwh on
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After a great week of daily bonding behaviors, things really slipped away from us. The stresses of life crept in and slowly pulled us back apart, into our typical routines. It is interesting because my wife, after a week of daily bonding, made a comment about how great she was feeling and how she wanted to keep going. A few days later, it felt like none of it had ever happened.

I gave her space for a few weeks, really focusing back into myself and working on my internal intentions and mindset. That has been where the real transformation has taken place so far. After a few weeks, I felt like it was time to say or do something. I did not want to let that great week of bonding simply disappear into the past.

I wrestled with what to do for another week or so, just thinking about the best way to approach it and looking for good timing. I brought it up a few days ago. I just told her that the week we spent bonding was really special to me, and I know it was to her as well. I told her that I think our entire family was in a better place and I would really like to lean back into it.

At first she did not take the conversation so well. She felt like I was pointing out something else she is not doing good enough. To her credit, this is an old pattern in our marriage, years of her not being able to have sex and me saying I want to have sex. I tried to tell her that this is different. I am not talking about what she has or has not done, I am simply saying that we experienced something great and I think we would all benefit from giving it another shot.

She started to warm, and explained that there have been a lot of stresses the past few weeks, and when she is stressed she simply can not stand to be touched. The more times I reach out the more she tenses up and shuts down. She said that she knows the touch is not needy the way it has been in the past, but she still feels the same way. She genuinely wants to change, but she feels powerless to do so.

She also feels a little overwhelmed. The idea of touching every day is too much for her to think about. I reminded her how she felt after we did spend a week touching, and she admitted it was good. She said that she is ready to give it another try. She also said that she did not want to take sex off the table this time. I tried to assure her that I am no longer “driving” towards sex. That she can feel free to reach out to me and be intimate without me grabbing onto her. I told her that I would let her lead us into sex when she is ready.

She also mentioned that she was very uncomfortable the last time we had sex and I was trying to do it differently. She is just not ready for that and she really has no frame of reference for what I am even doing. I think she will be open to talking about karezza intercourse, but not at this point in time. I am going to stick with conventional sex maybe at a slowed pace, but nothing too dramatic.

So… I feel like we are finally settled into somewhat of a routine. I am hoping that the daily bonding sticks a little better this time. That is really the foundation for everything else. After about 3 weeks of no bonding, I am finding it much harder to be content with no sex. Last night she cuddled with me before bed and I was really pulled to her sexually. I had to work hard to breath deeply and relax to not be overwhelmed by it. I hope that the daily bonding will settle that drive and I can find that same peace and contentment I had a month ago.

Here’s to the long haul!




if touch is too much at first, let her pick from any of the bonding behaviors on this list. Or maybe take turns on consecutive nights. The Lazy Way to Stay in Love | Reuniting

Conventional sex is fine, but what about skipping the orgasm for a few weeks? That way you could see the difference if you go back to orgasm.


okay, so a few thoughts here

one thought is, you can cuddle for 5 minutes. 2 minutes. But daily is important. Really important.

Second thought is, you don't need to talk about this. You can have sex with her and not come. Really. It's okay. The police won't bust your door down. And she can be a bit uncomfortable. That's okay. It's normal. It is different and she is going to be a bit uncomfortable with different. Just keep it up, so to speak. Just keep on. I'd avoid orgasms and just have sex and see how it all plays out.

It's the talking and all this that really increase the pressure and in my experience often lead to nothing good.


Yes! Here's to the long haul!

And here's hoping you two can find a way to connect that relieves stress for her. When my husband was in the army, every day was miserable and stressful for him. Every day when he came home (when he wasn't deployed), we'd jump into bed to spoon and just hold each other. It brought him back to life. Probably it helped him stay sane and us stay together.

Maybe you could play a totally non-sexual pretend game. Have her lay down and pretend she's a baby rabbit. Then lay down with her, explaining that you're the mother rabbit. Make it silly and use a funny voice. Or maybe you could pretend you're a robot programmed to protect her. Or maybe SHE's the robot and you're her recharging station. If that helps. Just trying to help think of a way to break her association of maybe thinking your touch is needy or sexual.