by L. Kevin Johnson
Note: This article is written specifically for men. But it is helpful for women to understand what a man needs to accomplish in order for them both to experience mutual, sexual harmony. Therefore it is recommended that couples work on the process together. It takes time to wean off the “mating sex” program and regularly engage in bonding behaviors, such as Karezza, with lots of cuddling in-between, holding hands, affectionate hugs, etc., before our brains start to rewire and build receptors that will enable us to experience the enjoyable effects of oxytocin, the “love hormone.”
Simply stated, Karezza is the practice of gentle, sexual intercourse, without the goal of orgasm. When a man can control his ejaculation, satisfaction is quickly attained because sex lasts longer, erectile dysfunction is often healed and fatherhood becomes a matter of choice, rather than an accident. In my experience, the secret to success is deciding that you want to give up the habit of masturbation altogether. As long as it is still an option in your mind, there remains a nagging temptation to “give in” to an orgasm, especially whenever you feel stressed or happen to shift into the “rough waters” of sexual arousal while making love to a woman.
Several couples I’ve talked to recently have expressed confusion about how to transition from standard mating sex to the gentler style of Karezza, which is actually a type of bonding behavior. If you want detailed information about the neurological and physical health benefits of this practice I encourage you to check out the articles and resources at www.reuniting.info (a website dedicated to education on the topic of sexual addiction and the development of mature intimacy in personal relationships).
To take the mystery and confusion out of the subject of Karezza, I present from my own personal experience, a simplified step by step approach to this practice of love-making. Any healthy adult male should be able to follow the advice given here and reach success in avoiding preliminary ejaculation, porn addiction or overcoming sexual dissatisfaction. Karezza is essential for any couple who wants to truly reconcile with one another and experience a deep, rewarding intimate relationship.
Many men really believe that it is harmless to masturbate as much as they want. This is one of the biggest fallacies perpetuated in the modern world today. Ejaculating too often, particularly every day, is the surest way to weaken and diminish your sexual strength. You sacrifice a tremendous amount of energy each time you do it, only to get three seconds of pleasure. The older you are, the worse it gets. At age 20 a man may very well be an endless fountain of semen, but by age 40 and beyond he would be wise to conserve as much energy as possible if he wants to continue having satisfying bonding sex with women!
Another thing, if you really care about women, there are other reasons why you might want to consider giving up ejaculating. Many women today suffer from recurring and painful bladder and yeast infections and Barpholins cysts after intercourse and have to regularly use antibiotics. Drugs can upset the natural balance of the body, causing the overgrowth of yeast. What most lovers don’t realize is that the cause is due to a regular drenching of the vaginal tissues with male seminal fluid. Semen is a sugar-like medium, designed to protect and nourish sperm cells as they travel toward the female egg. And where do yeasts thrive best? In sugary, dark, moist places, like vaginas.
Karezza in Four Easy Steps
STEP ONE: So once you’ve educated yourself and made a firm decision that you want to learn Karezza and move away from masturbation and fertilization-driven mating sex, the first step is to limit ejaculation to no more than twice a month. After six months or so you’ll find that you have less and less desire to unconsciously deplete your life-essence by continuously emitting semen, especially when you have no intention of impregnating a woman.
Eventually you may discover that regularly masturbating and ejaculating are not that important anymore. Then it becomes your choice whether or not you want to continue. But twice a month is probably the safest upward limit if you wish to keep doing it and remain healthy, youthful and vibrant. Many Karezza men report that the desire for orgasm and ejaculation completely goes away after a few months and is no longer an issue.
STEP TWO: For now, decide to put off masturbation and sexual intercourse for at least a couple of weeks to give your brain chemistry a chance to settle down and re-stabilize. (Read "The Passion Cycle" at www.reuniting.info. It will explain scientifically why this is so important.) Meanwhile you can recruit your wife or find a girl friend to help you with this critical transition phase, of moving from mating to bonding sex.
Allow her to offer you a genital/penis massage at least 3 or 4 times a week during the next two weeks. Doing it every day is okay too, but you really should willingly do something non-sexual for her in exchange, such as dinner and a movie out, affectionate (non-sexual) snuggling, back massage, foot rub, house work, etc. It should be something of her choice that would please her.
A genital massage session should last at least 20 minutes but not more than 45 minutes. The point of this is to help acclimate you toward receiving direct genital touching without getting “heated up” or aroused or to the point that you want to encourage the urge to ejaculate. Permit the woman to keep her clothes on. Lie on your back, open your legs and relax. Have her apply some almond oil to her hand and let her gently and very, very slowly massage your scrotum, testicles, penis and perineum. Breathe slowly and deeply while she softly and tenderly pulls the skin of the scrotum and pubic hair. These light touches require that you remain still. Have her push slightly (with short fingernails if possible) into your groin at different places around your penis to release built up tension. Don’t encourage her to stroke the penis! She can do gentle, light squeezing and releasing along the shaft and head.
Due to the fact that the male genitals have experienced a constant build-up of tension through orgasm and ejaculation, this type of gentle massage from a female greatly relieves soreness and pain in that area. It is very soothing and relaxing and releases oxytocin in the brain, which makes you feel bonded to your partner
If you are prone to getting heated up easily, then have a bowl of ice and a cold damp wash cloth next to the bed. As soon as you feel that familiar horny, full feeling, which means the semen is beginning to load in your prostate, have her stop the massage and place the cold rag on your testicles and the sensation will eventually subside. Then your lady can go back to the massage.
Remember, if abstaining from masturbating is causing you to get “blue balls,” it isn’t an indication that you need to ejaculate. It simply means that your body is adjusting to retaining and reabsorbing the semen into the surrounding groin tissue. To soothe the discomfort, apply the cold compress for a few minutes whenever the pain arises. It took only about a week for me to overcome the soreness when I finally quit masturbating. After that, my body adjusted and all the symptoms of “blue balls” went away once and for all.
The purpose of the penis massage is to enable you to learn how to focus your awareness on the present moment, develop heightened sensitivity, channel your sexual energy to the woman and appreciate her touch. It is an excellent training method to prepare you for Karezza sex. It doesn’t matter if you have an erection of not. Don’t worry about that. Most probably, you will discover that you are numb or insensitive in this area from years of pursuing vaginal thrusting and hard masturbating. You have to relearn how to “feel” gentle sensations and welcome the pleasant nurturing of a woman’s affection. When you can successfully get through two weeks of several penis massages without ejaculating and can remain calm and relaxed, you’re ready to move on to the next phase.
STEP THREE: If you’ve gotten through at least fourteen days without ejaculating you can now try peaceful Karezza intercourse. Start with a little bit of soft, unhurried, affectionate cuddling and relaxed kissing. Then after a few minutes, if you’re not too heated up, try a round of partial insertion of the penis into the vagina, one to two inches only. Be sure to apply a generous amount of oil such as unscented almond oil on both of you.
Lie down naked on your right side, have the woman lie on her back, her left leg over your left hip and ever so slowly glide the penis into the vagina. What’s really incredible about doing it this way is that initially, it’s not even necessary to have an erection. If you use enough oil, the two of you can practice soft penetration and easily “pop it in”. In some cases, the penis will then slowly expand and grow inside of her.
Now from this point on, you have to focus on relaxing and staying in “calm waters,” that is, keep yourself from getting swept away by the temptation of moving and rubbing. It is best to remain perfectly still. Remember, avoid getting heated up. Though it may seem like this kind of sex is boring and pointless, if you stay with it and wait, you will learn that there is an incredible gift for both of you.
It is as if the genitals know what to do and all you have to do is relax and let it happen. Your job is simply to monitor whether or not you’re feeling an eruption coming, a point where you feel tempted to move closer to orgasm. If this starts to happen, pull out and go back to cuddling and lying still together. Use the cold cloth method if necessary. Make soft eye contact and slowly kiss each other. Allow the feelings in your body to settle down and then try again. Keep going until you can make it last at least 30 minutes. When you can master this form of loving, it is possible to stay connected for even an hour or more!
Note: If you feel the semen is about to spew and it’s inevitable that you are going to ejaculate, try this: Pull out and immediately, press down hard on your perineum (the soft hollow tissue between the anus and scrotum) with the tips of your third & fourth fingers. Hold the pressure with your fingers, push the tip of your tongue to the roof of your month, and breathe slow and deep in through your nose and out your mouth.
If you do emit some semen, you will significantly reduce the amount lost by employing this method. Should this happen, it would be wise to discontinue the love session until another time, because your prostate has now become loaded with semen.
My best advice here is learning not to rush things. Never seek to stimulate the woman or make her feel horny or aroused. Avoid oral sex as well as clitoral stimulation. In Karezza, women should also avoid orgasm. (Read "What If She Were Always In the Mood" to understand how peak orgasm for both men and women can cause separation in intimate relationships.) It is better to be affectionate, attentive, kind and loving.
Your goal in Karezza is to get an energy circuit of the male and female life-force energy riding between the two of you. It’s not about stimulating the genitals so you can have a release. The objective is to send the sexual energy back and forth between you, not discharge it. That is the delight to be discovered in Karezza. That’s when the deep connection begins to happen, which is the valuable treasure and gift that this form of bonding offers.
For now, it isn’t even important to penetrate deep into the woman’s vagina. What you want to do is stay relaxed, open, still, and partially inside of her for an hour or so. If you want to change positions, do it slowly. I would strongly suggest avoiding lying on top of her, such as in missionary position. For most men this will only trigger the ejaculation/mating sex urge. If the woman lies on top of you, that is often perfectly fine, because it enables you to completely relax and not have to hold yourself up. Side to side works well too. Any position is okay as long as you can relax, stay comfortable and avoid any kind of tension.
The two of you may want to benefit from this kind of love-making four or five times a week, but remember that it takes time and patience to get to the level where you, as a couple, can feel the flowing circuit. There is a pleasant energy that radiates from your perineum (base chakra) into the woman’s vagina, up toward her breasts, then out from her to your chest, down your spine back toward your genitals, then out into her again.
The first time this phenomenon happened to me I was stunned at how profoundly nourishing it was. I then realized that in all the years of pursuing orgasms for me and my woman, I had missed this incredible miracle of consciously linking with another human in love and kindness.
STEP FOUR: At this stage in the process you may find that it is easy to move toward deeper penetration, which the ancients called “the garden of Love”. The penis, no matter what length, creates an energetic connection with the cervix. It is not necessary for the head of the penis to make physical contact with the cervix. It is the energy exchange during deep penetration that begins to generate the profound feelings of intuitive connection between a man and a woman.
It may take several months before the two of you can achieve sustained, deep penetration, especially if she experiences pain in her vagina due to past sexual trauma or emotional insecurity. The point is to make slow and steady progress toward deeper levels of relaxation and awareness. Never shove your penis into her. Avoid thrusting in and out of her just to stimulate yourself. True male authority means possessing a calm, loving penis that is used as an energetic “sending” instrument, not as a desensitized “getting” device.
Over time you will discover that the penis has an innate intelligence. It knows what it is doing and will do special things at different times. It may gently swell and then quickly shrink in size depending on the energy that is present at the time. Sometimes it will not swell into an erection at all, other times it will be huge and hard. It is at these times that you need to be extra sensitive to the woman and only inch it in slowly, then stop and let it rest in one spot.
Amazingly, the penis will probe, explore and pulsate on its own. Your job at all times is to focus on your penis and use your awareness to move the universal life-force energy you feel into her body. You must become a giver of this life energy. It is no longer about you getting pleasure for yourself, yet it is a truly pleasant experience. Open your heart and cultivate loving feelings and kindness to the woman. Karezza is actually a process of discovery toward the higher goal of achieving unity between a man and a woman. Do you want to bond with your woman or do you want to fertilize her?
This understanding of the goal of Karezza sex as a way to bond with another human being took me quite some time to uncover and learn. Now I feel that this simple act of consciously joining the genitals together has the potential of achieving the most profound effect, in allowing us to fulfill our true function. Human beings are here to bring love into the world, to make an impact upon the consciousness of the society and the planet. Through harmonious, sacred bonding of man and woman, the spiritual seeds of a new understanding can begin to grow and expand, reaching out to touch the lives of all people everywhere. Because all Mind is One, I believe this way of love-making is a powerful and significant transformative force.
Resources & Recommended Reading
Tantric Sex for Men – Making Love a Meditation, by Diana & Michael Richardson (the line drawings in this article are from the Richardson's work)
Tantric Orgasm for Women, by Diana Richardson
Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow – From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships, by Marnia Robinson
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com (the brain chemistry of sexual excess and its evolutionary roots)
http://www.reuniting.info ("Healing With Sexual Relationships")