Day 45

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It's so funny, by no intention of my own, it seems that every 15 days, I make another decision on what to eliminate; this time, I'm eliminating looking out the window at girls showering (creepy, I know, but I guess an addict's mind is an addict's mind).

This is a very hard decision, because I really love it, in a way. I love looking at girls. But, I think during this reboot, as I've had rough moments, I've also had some realizations of attraction to women, especially those closer to my age, and definitely, definitely feeling less and less homosexual, in spite of the dopamine rushes sometimes. That part, I freaking love.

When I had the masturbation relapse around day 39, there was the dopamine rush to a young girl, and I'm still scared of having that. But in the 6 days since then, my mind is realizing the effects of porn on my mind, as opposed to real sex with a beautiful woman. And my lady and I have practiced snuggling, and karezza, and I feel that I'm not so often overwhelmed to masturbate the day after.

I definitely do get cravings though, which is why I'm looking out the window (no touching - that was my justification). I think it's to ease the pain. But just the way I've eliminated Facebook 15 days ago (I don't even miss it, pretty much), and HOCD testing 30 days ago, I think I need to take this step. I think if I start doing those things again, I will trigger dopamine rushes for porn. So I need to stop. There is progress, but now I think it's not as fast as I'd like it to be right now. It's hard, but the worst part is that the window is next to my piano, and it's no way to practice. The blind broke a half year ago, and I never fixed it. Now, I'm going to. I'm pretty sure I have to.

There are other things in my life going on that are probably porn-related (such as waking up in the morning and fantasizing - no touching, but just with morning wood on the blanket, half-asleep), and I may need to cut back on them, but just like with this window thing, I'm going to give making those decisions some time. The window realization is happening today, I think, because there are more positive things going on. There are definitely cravings, and my mind is going to some weird places. I hope it stops. My concern is that this is going to go on without porn for a long time. I just want to give in, but I've got to be strong. And that my mind will find weird things to replace my porn with. I think the key is going to be just not to masturbate to those things, so I can live with it, and then once my mind gets tired of it, I'll get headaches for a while, and then I'll have to live with it. Hopefully, over time...

I've been good in other regards. No porn, no masturbation (until that sick rush day 39 out of nowhere), a couple of orgasms during my reboot (a couple of chasers also on day 39), and some window stuff. It's an improvement. But time to bump this up a notch. Painful to do, because I didn't even like the Facebook that much. But this I enjoy, in a weird, dopamine way. The deciding factor though, is whether it's going to be making love and enjoying it with my girlfriend, or this shit, which I don't think really resembles it. I don't think it's an either-or thing anymore. So I'm going to do a 30-day experiment on the no-window watching thing.

Without the window, I got bored later tonight, and had a catch in the living room with a tennis ball with my girlfriend. More fun already.


You sound a LOT better

in this post than you did a month or so ago. Nice to hear.

"There are other things in my life going on that are probably porn-related (such as waking up in the morning and fantasizing - no touching, but just with morning wood on the blanket, half-asleep), and I may need to cut back on them,"

If your lady doesn't mind, just roll over and snuggle up with her. It might help if you explain that you're not asking for sex (although you wouldn't turn it down if she offered Smile ), and you find out how to hold her in a way that doesn't bother her, if she wants to sleep.

Also, just getting up and going to the bathroom takes care of morning wood for me.

A while back you said something about your girlfriend was going to leave before your lease expired. What was that about?

Hey, sorry, it's been a while

Yeah, I think relationships after reboot take a lot of healing, which we've done. There's a really good chance she might leave to do her Master's on the West Coast (I'm on the east coast now with her), so she will leave. On the other hand, we are working through our difficulties, but it's tough in the midst of a reboot. We're not doing badly though. Definitely better now.

I'm really proud of you

It's not easy to put the brakes on when you have so much creative juice flowing through you. I think performers might be especially vulnerable to dopamine dysregulation. When you have so much energy to work with, it's easy to be careless with it, and then you dig ruts you didn't intend.

I have an old friend who was an international piano competition guy...and also had an entire bedroom devoted to porn...and regularly felt suicidal. In those days I didn't know enough to connect the dots. He didn't either. Ultimately, he kind of wasted his life...considering the amazing gifts he arrived on the planet with. We all need instruction manuals for life on earth. Wink