I had a relapse last week. No porn or even pictures. Just watching people with binoculars. It was a big dopamine rush. I did it for roughly a week, a few hours at a time sometimes. Not touching myself while doing it though. Then I masturbated just to test on a different occasion, once to a completely gay fantasy, and the other time I made myself do it to a woman, which felt nice. I don't even know what's going on. So I laid the masturbation to rest about 6 days ago, and I started over. The window stuff I'm on day 4. I put up blinds in my window, and I'm living with myself. Had some pretty crazy withdrawal yesterday, and now I'm living with it.
The window stuff is not as bad as the porn, but the same idea so I quit.
I got on my bike yesterday, and got a major high from it. Man, I think I have an addictive personality.
Here's the thing though, which I don't know if I mentioned: I've been meditating consistently, and without that, I think I would not be where I am today. I would be so stuck in my habits. I meditate 30 minutes, practically every day, and most of the time it's about 40 minutes, or more - when I have the time. It's good to just see things where they are. When I started the reboot, I could barely sit 5 minutes. I think I've calmed down a lot. Taking it one step at a time, I guess.
We have friends over right now. Sometimes I'm not sure if I feel gay or not. It's pretty ridiculous. I just hope my old self comes back. I know that if I was really gay and it wasn't a dopamine rush, I would have known about it since I hit puberty. I will have to continue my recovery.