Hi, I'm female. I just celebrated my 50th birthday a couple of months ago and will be celebrating twenty years of marriage in a couple of months. My husband and I met online through a newsgroup when people had to know how to use VAX and MS-DOS on computers and Windows wasn't quite as wide spread as today. Then, again, online dating was still in it's infancy, as well. We exchanged emails for months before we met for the first time and we talked about anything and everything from our views on raising children, one or two income households, and sex all before we ever met face to face. At the time, I was 31 and he was 35 when we met. I was not a virgin, but had been celibate for the previous five years by choice. He was a virgin when we met which I actually thought was very sweet and a big turn on.
We married and had a normal sex life while trying to have kids for the first ten years of our marriage. We managed to have three very lovely, if somewhat weird, boys. But, then, with us as parents, we expected to have equally weird children. The last eight or nine years have gone by so quickly that it seems a blur at times. Raising children and not having enough time for sex unless we actually schedule it was the norm. But we bonded. We always found five or ten minutes to kiss or cuddle or just touch each other in passing. We always kissed first thing in the morning and last thing at night. We were telling each other how much we loved the other, to the point of embarrassment for the children. Our children know that the car can't possibly start unless Mom and Dad have kissed first, each and every time.
Fast forward to last year and things changed. DH got offered an incredible job offer which we accepted after much debate. The job entailed moving from NY to FL and selling our house of almost twenty years. He had to start immediately which meant that he had to move to FL within a month while I stayed behind with the kids packing up the house and getting it ready to put on the market. We had a long distance relationship in our marriage for a year where we had a couple of visits, but relied on video chat nightly to stay connected.
Fast forward to now, we have been back in the same house since Thanksgiving and it has been difficult to get back to the closeness that we shared before the move. While the car still can't start without kisses and kisses are the first and last thing that happen in our day, our cuddling and other bonding habits have not been as easy as it was before our separation. And sex is different.
Explicit part --
Now that we are together again, our goals with sex are slightly off. I've always thought that when it came to sex that the big O was always the end goal. However, I never had orgasms during sex with any of my previous relationships unless I masturbated when I was alone. When I met DH, he rocked my world and could easily give me multiple orgasms. He still can. I have always felt as if our relationship was a little lopsided because I always had way more orgasms than he had. Although, I have been able to give him multiple orgasms through oral play. During intercourse over the years, he hasn't always had an orgasm, especially recently and I have felt somewhat guilty because I had so much pleasure and I didn't think that he had as much. He has always told me, though, that he has had immense pleasure even though he didn't always orgasm. I just never really believed him. Now that we are back together and trying to rebuild our bond, I actually decided to listen to him concerning his pleasure without orgasm. A couple of days ago DH and I had sex and while I had loads of orgasms and lots of fun, DH only had one orgasm through oral sex. He had no orgasm through actual intercourse. He said that he still had a lot of fun and enjoyed the feelings that he gets when we are physically connected. So, then I did what I always do when faced with a question I wasn't sure about. I researched. I googled "sex without orgasm" and stumbled upon Karezza.
I was floored. I actually didn't expect to find any information about sex without orgasm unless it was on a site dealing with sex dysfunctions. I thought I was going to research and find information on helping my DH have orgasms. Instead, I find that he isn't alone and that maybe I'm the one that might have to retrain my thinking on the whole nature of orgasms.
I did a lot of reading on this sight. Looked at the books. And then talked with DH because through everything we have always been able to talk about anything and everything. So, I told him what I found on this website. He had heard of sex without orgasms and being able to have sex for long periods of time, but had not actually heard of Karezza. I don't know that we believe all of the metaphysical stuff, but we thought we would try to actively have sex without an end goal.
When we were first married before the kids started arriving, we touched each other intimately all the time. I love touching his naked body and having him get erect even when we have no intention of having sex. It is definitely one of my greatest pleasures. Unfortunately, with kids in the house, it isn't something that I can do as often as I like. Before we could be passing each other going to different rooms in the house and I could kiss him and fondle his penis until he was hard and he could fondle me and we could just give each other pleasure in passing. Just a quick little bonding thing. With the kids around, we still kiss, but fondling each other is now relegated to the bedroom except on those rare occasions when we have the house to ourselves. Those fondling moments that we both enjoyed that usually never actually led to sex have been very rare even in the bedroom the last few years. Now that we are together again, we are actively spending more time in the bedroom fondling each other. The bedroom door has been closed more often the last few days. I'm sure the kids have noticed, but haven't said anything. Our oldest is thirteen and our youngest is ten so they are at an age when they definitely notice things especially if Mom and Dad are taking "naps" together in the middle of the afternoon.
The other night DH and I decided to try intercourse without having an orgasm. We weren't totally successful on my end. I don't know if we did things right, but here is what happened. We started with our usual cuddling, an activity that we have always enjoyed without sex being the end result. It didn't take long to for either of us to be ready intercourse. DH can get hard with just a touch and, since we've been back together in the same house, it seems like I am always wet and ready. We got into a scissor position with me on my back and DH beside me. He inserted his penis and we just held still for several long moments. After a few minutes, we experimented with movement and slow sex. I have to say that I'm the type of girl who really just loves the feel of having DH inside me. DH did fondle me a little with his hand and I got very turned on. Most of the time when we had to stop or slow down, it was because I was getting close to orgasm. I have to admit to having at least two.
We actually managed to keep this up for about 30 minutes, staying connected with his penis inside me. The longest we have ever stayed connected before. He never had an orgasm, but I'm sure that he was enjoying himself because we talked about it after. I, on the other hand, did have orgasms. They were small and not the earth shaking orgasms that he has intentionally given me in the past. These were small tremors that really felt great, but without all of the sore muscle stiffness and achy feeling that I usually have after sex for several days because my whole body sort of spasmed.
Something totally different happened to me as well and I'm not sure if this is normal or totally out there. I had a moment towards the end of our session when neither of us was moving. I'm not sure what the moment was, but it was like a tingling that started in my vagina and just spread outward throughout my entire body. I can't say it was really an orgasm or anything like that, but it was definitely something I had never experienced before. Every little movement made the tingling sensation intensify and spread. DH had stopped moving completely when this started and any movement that happened was totally my doing. It was incredible. I would move just a tiny bit and the tingling would spread and I would force myself not to move and then I would move involuntarily and the tingling spread. There was this little cycle of tingling spread, stop moving, move just a little involuntarily, repeat. This whole thing lasted for about ten minutes until I just couldn't take anymore and DH and I had to separate. It was a really incredible feeling that I wouldn't mind repeating.
Has this happened to any other girls before? Is this normal? Anyone have any ideas on what happened?
DH and I do plan to try again. In fact, now that we are going to try to purposefully have no orgasms, we plan to try and have sex more often. The last few years, we have been lucky if we could have actual intercourse more than once a month. Although, we have still cuddled and made time just to be with each other especially now that we are together again. Now, we plan to actually try and have it for the third time in a single week.
I would be very open to any comments and/or suggestions on what to do next. I hope I haven't violated any rules as to post length or where to post. I look forward to actually having a dialog with some of the people who's posts that I have read here.