After so many years of marriage, I just had an insight. I'm in a different place now around our sexual connection; much less needy and not pushy or demanding at all. Karezza has given me that gift. But I've been noticing that our frequency of relaxing and connecting, and ultimately intercourse varies wildly. Sometimes we go every day. Other times it's 1x per week or two. I think the difference has to do with when we're in a good Karezza rhythm vs. when we're not.
Even though I'm not in a needy place any more, I still want to connect regularly. It's a priority for me, but it's not always for her. Often she is busy with other things and is almost always tired. When I approach her in the evening, after our kid has gone to bed, I think she still perceives the approach as some sort of sexual expectation, even though I have none and say so all the time; so much that it seems repetitive.
My insight is that I'm so used to "begging" for her attention that it has become a part of my unconscious reality. I don't need to do that any more, but it's a habit. It's o.k. for me to expect some level of communication around how we plan our time together. It's acceptable for me to expect that she makes our together time a priority. I no longer have any expectations about how we spend that time, as long as it's some form of connecting, relaxing and touching and that it's frequent. It's our sacred time together, and if we don't have that, then what's the point?
I think she's also used to our old pattern, so she's still unconsciously defending against the expectation, turning my gentle inquiries into the perception of sexual begging, even when it's not. I can tell from her tone of voice and body language. It feels like a rejection; like there's frustration and an edge to her in those moments. I realize that I can only control my side of it. I can't control how she perceives what's happening. For what it's worth, this dynamic completely goes away when we hit a good Karezza rhythm; but even in the absence of orgasms, we still need the regular bonding or we drift into these unconscious, uncomfortable patterns of relating.
I respect the fact that sometimes she needs to get stuff done. But I don't want our together time to be an afterthought; something that happens only if there is time and energy left over after everything else gets done. Like with money, if you don't pay yourself first, you'll always have an empty bank account. So I will ask her how much time each week she is willing to set aside as sacred; not to be used for any other purpose besides for us to connect. That may seem contrived or somehow lacking in spontaneity, but we do actually have a really busy, full life; so if I don't do that, our busyness will use up all of our time and energy leaving nothing left for us.
I can already feel the resistance she will have to committing to this, but it's important to me. I can't see any reason why she couldn't prioritize our together time and allocate a minimum amount of time each week for it. Maybe we set aside at least 3 whole evenings a week and both commit to clearing our minds of any tasks - we have the rest of the week for that. I don't think that's asking too much. She doesn't need to feel energetic to relax with me. I have to get stuff done too, and I'm tired of begging, trying to guess when she's going to say "yes", and being rejected. The time for that has past.
So for right now, I will just be patient and wait for her to come to me (she will eventually); and when she does, then I will talk with her about this.