Two days ago I had another orgasm along with becoming sick from a family member, so I am not feeling good at all.
Today, I was honest with my boyfriend and said "I'm not in the mood at all." And when he moved while we were cuddling (feeling up) I said "when you move, this is when I start to feel like you can go ahead and have sex with me because I feel like my desires don't matter anyways." He said "your desires always matter" and mentioned that he felt neglected or left in the dark to guess when I didn't tell him what exactly I wanted in our sexual relationship.
I told him that I want to have "calm, karezza sex once every two weeks, once I start wanting to have sex (after the post-o) symptoms. He said that it's fine, and he thought before that I was "with him" in what he wanted when we did it (movement based sex), but he realizes now that I wasn't. I told him that I just want mutual desire.
Realizing more, I feel "blown out" when I have orgasms. Like my head is painted against the wall and I sit in bed waiting for my brain to come back into my body. I also get extra angsty, irritable, child like in problem solving, and JEALOUS of all possible women my bf would talk to. It's obvious to me that my feelings are not related externally because there is nothing different in my environment.
I'm tired of being sick, too, but that will go away with more fluids.
Just so frustrated that I want to be in the no-o zone with calm, relaxed, enjoyable connections and feeling doubt regarding my faith in karezza in general just because I am having these jealousy abandonment fears that if I don't "make" satisfactory sex, my partner will leave me. He says that he doesn't care what we do, he's "in it for life" and he's not interested in the "fuck your brains out" type of sex. ...so, it's not him, it's me, and I'm trying to calm my own fears about never having a satisfying sexual experience (post-o sadness, boredom speaking)*.
Have any advice for me regarding rebalancing besides non sexy cuddling with him every day?
Getting a lot of random jealousy, including people that my bf talks to online...