Help! can't stop PE after years of karezza

Submitted by tornfromabook on
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So my wife and I have practiced Karezza on and off for about 7 years, during which time I have also refrained from pornography and masturbation (more or less :)). For the most part, avoiding orgasm has been a key part of my sex life and I have benefited immensely from the practice. Life changing, as many of you know.

Recently, my wife and I opened our marriage and we are both having sex with new partners and I am having some serious PE issues! Part of it is definitely the novelty of a new partner for the first time in 9 years, part of it is springtime, but I cannot relax during sex with my new girlfriend. It is ridiculously passionate and intense. I really WANT to relax and start a slow sex practice with her but it is just not happening. And yeah, an annoying amount of the time I will orgasm almost immediately when we start having sex, sometimes before penetration.

Fortunately, she is awesome about all of this, very supportive and loving and perfectly happy to just slow down and enjoy any kind of intimacy. I have been consciously trying to relax lately but the more I relax the more I orgasm. I'm hoping you guys can give me some feedback. On the one hand, I feel like I am a little "backed up" from refraining from orgasm for so long (all during my 20's when my energy is still full blast) and it's all coming out of me or something. There is certainly a very healthy feeling from it, like I'm getting cleared out. But it's not sustainable and I know that the time is coming soon when the honeymoon is going to slow down with my new partner and I want to establish a deeper sex practice. But I just can't seem to do it! Any advice?

Is this a prank post by you?

Is this a prank post by you?

My sense is that Karezza is a practice that targets building emotional bonds between dedicated partners. I cannot see how your open marriage is compatible -- physically, psychologically, emotionally -- with Karezza. From my 18 month experience with it, there is lots of physical, psychological, and emotional work involved by one or both partners, and having third and fourth and more persons involved would be bewildering.

Maybe you should visit a swinger forum for advice, as I would think that those folks have experience with -- and potential solutions to -- your problem.

self mastery

Its this line "I really WANT to relax and start a slow sex practice with her but its just not happening" that caught my attention, especially the "its just not happening" part. Its just not happening?? Thats bullshit! Its not happening because youre not making it happen.... by doing whatever it takes to MAKE it happen. If you want to relax, figure out what it will take to be relaxed and implement it. If you want to play with two women, (for most men, one woman is more than enough) you're going to have to up your game.

I think you're simply not used to the energy of this new woman, not to mention the new relationship electricity, and you need to up your masculine presence, which in your case looks like a strong dose of discipline. At least, that my opinion.

By the way, I dont buy the "backed up" statement. I think thats just justification for not doing what it takes to master your ejaculation control. I've been practicing for 18 years and I dont feel any "backed up" energy.

You're absolutely right.

You're absolutely right. Thank you! I needed to hear that. I'm doing a reboot for the first time since beginning this relationship and it is feeling good... I definitely got a little carried away for a bit there with the new relationship electricity :)

I Just Don’t Understand Your Situation

Unlike a couple of people here I don’t think you are a troll or are trying to punk us. You have posted similar thoughts relating to multiple partners and Karezza before. Even though I’m not planning on trying other partners, perhaps there is nothing inherently monogamous about Karezza. John Noyes did have “Complex Marriages” with his male continence which was essentially polygamous Karezza. We all know that the Oneida Communities collapsed mostly from outside pressure, but I would question if they would have continued much longer at any rate. Polygamous Mormons have gone away except for a few crazy fringe group child molesting holdouts.

I guess what I don’t understand is, why after 9 years with someone and a child you decided to “open” your marriage. Is it just boredom? I think that speaks more towards the problem than your ejaculatory malfunctions. Are you planning on keeping a poly type relationship? Do you love your wife, your girlfriend, another lover? How do you feel about sharing your wife with another man? I think these are all important issues for you to reflect on and may lead to understanding your dysfunction. Actually I really want to know where you are taking Karezza and your relationship. Not that I would necessarily want to do the same but it brings up some interesting issues.

My girlfriend, who is working on her masters in psychology, suggested that perhaps your subconscious is sabotaging your new relationship. People often do that when they feel guilt about something they are doing. Just a thought from the therapy corner for you to consider.

Another Angle?

I am sensitive to problems in marriage because my parents divorced. My brother, sister, and I were later adopted as a group as young children. Our adoptive parents provided us a safe home. But, there was no love or emotional support for us. It was a big contrast with what we felt from our birth parents.

If your marriage falls apart due to your open marriage, it is your son who will be most at risk for emotional damage. Yes, you and your wife may do a great job shuttling back and forth, trying to provide support for your son. But, if you or your wife remarry, or have a child with another spouse or partner, or have no child but a jealous partner, your son will suffer. It is trying being a good parent (we have raised two children). It is even more trying when you are married or partnered to a stepmother or stepfather, or single.

Children of divorce survive; we did. Your son would, too. But, surviving is not the same as thriving.

I found Karezza most attractive because it offered the hope of binding me emotionally and physically to my wife. It has delivered on its promise. With a now deeply satisfying sex life, I am a better husband, and a better father. And, I am a better friend, too.

I am a simple, fallible human: when I was unhappy with my wife because of sex, I was short and selfish with both her and my children. Now that I am much more even-keeled emotionally, I am a better husband, and father: more giving, more patient, more compassionate, more understanding.

I read through most of your prior posts here on the forum. I did not see any consideration of what would happen if your open marriage caused a divorce and the potential impact of such on your son. Maybe I missed that particular thread.

We are spiritual beings having a physical existence. We have lived many lives, and will live many lives. Maybe your purpose in this life is to be a great lover. Or, maybe your purpose in this life is to be a great parent. Maybe your purpose in this life is to be both. It is easier to achieve both when your lover is the parent of your child. It is more difficult to achieve both when your lover is not the parent of your child.

From my perspective, once a child is involved, balancing the scales is much more difficult; one should even consider using a three-armed scale.

Just food for thought, fellow human living in this trying world.

I thought the whole idea of

I thought the whole idea of Karezza was to find complete sexual satisfaction free from dopamine inducing novelty. Whether someone brings novelty into the picture via porn or a new live partner, Karezza can't do what it's supposed to do. So now that you're back into the novelty-dopamine hormone world, it makes sense to me that Karezza's gifts have stepped aside, and that you'd respond as you did the way novelty does -- taking over your senses with a temporary almost drug-like high. The suggestion to find a swinger's site might be a good one. Because the thrill of this latest girlfriend will fade and you'll need new material for the novelty game if this is the route you've chosen.