The Two Essential Ingredients for a Loving, Long-Lasting Relationship

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John Gottman Shares the Latest Research from his Love Lab


... What the latest research from my lab is telling us is that trust and commitment are both the key ingredients for being in love with your partner for a lifetime, and for having your marriage be a safe haven.

...Last, we need to look at the research that shows how unsuccessful most sex therapy is at evoking anything but the smallest changes. We’ve learned recently from a remarkable study—described in a book called The Normal Bar, which looked at 70,000 people’s sex lives in 24 countries—that the people who have a great sex life are doing about a dozen concrete things differently from those whose sex life sucks.

It’s the same everywhere—in China, in Italy, in Canada, and in the United States—everywhere on the planet. The people who have a great sex life are saying “I love you” every day and meaning it. They’re kissing their partner passionately. They’re expressing affection in public. They’re cuddling. Research shows that only six percent of non-cuddlers have a great sex life. If couples don’t cuddle, they don’t secrete oxytocin, and their sex life isn’t fulfilling. It’s not rocket science.

Also see The Lazy Way to Stay in Love

Very Helpful Link

Thank you, Marnia, for the link to an update on Dr. Gottman's work. Great food for thought for me.

My wife has told me a number of times that she thinks I do not value her as a friend. We have common interests: supporting our children, parents and siblings, health, etc. We work together on those things and others, both directly and implicitly, most effectively. But, I need to work on reestablishing a friendship bond with my wife:

"...And so the focus...needs to be supplemented by calm, everyday emotional connection, where people can really talk to one another and listen and work on friendship..."

He needs more details.

He needs more details.

In love isn't good according to everyone. Neither is the idea of lifetime. Does he intend to prove something or is this what neutral research shows?

Research must have been need to show affectionate people have good sex. Where's causation?

I just read the Normal Bar book

that professes to be based upon a survey of 100,000 couples worldwide.

Affectionate people usually have good sex. Some are affectionate and don't have much or any sex.

Couples that are really in love for a long time almost ALWAYS have good sex. And 4 times a week even after decades, according to the book.