Karezza for sexual abuse victims/survivors

Submitted by Beauvoir on
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Hello all!

I am a new kid to this forum (and this Karezza concept, for that matter)! I experienced some sexual abuse as an adult about 6 years ago (one in the former of molesting from a trusted spiritual advisor, the other was rape from someone I went on a date with) and I am only just now getting therapy that really fits. My therapist recommended this book to me just to demonstrate that there are more communities/options than simple orgasm sex (which I have yet to experience an orgasm so far anyway due to trauma/anxiety around sex, especially intercourse). I am intrigued by Karezza and it sounds too good to be true. I have a lot of anxiety and panic around 'traditional' sex and the thought of not having the pressure to experience an orgasm (or not having to fight my resentment toward the male orgasm) sounds like such a relief. Does anyone out there have experience or thoughts about Karezza as a sexual abuse survivor or if it has been helpful if there is a history of sexual trauma? No partner in the picture for me, so everything is speculative at the moment- but I would really love the feedback!

Welcome Beauvoir

Sorry for what you've been through. Your question is interesting. One of the psychiatrists who endorsed my book told me spontaneously that he could see it being very helpful to women who had been sexually abused. I remember that, because I had never thought about that possibility.

I try to collect interesting insights from forum members under "Karezza Korner" (lefthand margin). You may want to poke around in there. I spotted this page in there, for example: Can karezza help heal women's sexual wounds?

I think you would also like Diana Richardson's book Tantric Orgasm for Women. It seems to be her view that pretty much all women need healing via karezza-like sex. That could be a refreshing perspective for you. As porn-style sex becomes more common, I think Diana may be right - although few women will realize it. Sad.

Hope you find a loving partner to experiment with. Let us know if you gain any insight into this matter, here or elsewhere.

me too

I suffered traumatic, painful sexual abuse from an older man who was a family friend - it started at age 11 till around 13. I was so shocked and ashamed that I never spoke up.
It totally distorted my view of what normal and healthy sexuality is all about and I went thru years of bad karmic consequences. So I feel for you. What I've learned is this - as strange as it sounds - often the cure for things lies in the actual cause - like the fact that jewel weed grows next to poison ivy in the woods! This is a common idea in traditional Chinese medicine as well - thus, often the cure for sexual abuse can be found in healthy sacred sexuality. It was certainly true in my case.
K

Yes, it sounds incredibly

Yes, it sounds incredibly healing! I lack a loving partner and am concerned about finding any man who would be sympathetic to the idea. I was in a relationship for almost a year that fell apart in the end (for various reasons) but one of the main ones was my sexual reluctance. Thanks Marnia for your book recommendation- I will look into it. And thanks for sharing, KevinJ! I will do my due diligence with reading- and perhaps become lucky enough to find a loving, compassionate partner!

There are openminded men out there

I wrote my book in hopes that it could be a tool for conveying the ideas, without partners having to bear the brunt of people's initial skepticism. My book is more Big Picture. Another book that might work is this one: Tantric Sex For Men.

You could simply say you read one of these and found the ideas intriguing...and wonder what he might think about them. No ultimatums.

I hope there are :)

Thank you, Marnia! I agree that a more subtle, open ended approach/discussion would be best. After all, I have never tried karezza, either! I would hope by the time it was discussed the two people already would have some trust and intimacy working for them.

Thank you for taking time to compose those posts about the experience of sexual abuse survivors, too. Very helpful.

~B

I was abused in a relationship

I had a boyfriend in my early 20s who turned out to be violent and sexually abusive while our relationship was progressing. I refused to participate in his porn-like scenario and he used his physical strength to get what he wanted. I was shocked and traumatized.

I do believe Karezza can heal our wounds. In Diana Richardson's book Tantric Senx for Women there are many testimonies of abused women who healed their sexual traumatas by doing karezza. The reports are very touching and inspiring. Diana Richardon's idea ist that almost every woman on this planet has been willingly or unwillingly abused and that our collective human wounds can be healed with karezza. I have been celebate for many years because I was not able to find a sensitive partner who would agree to do karezza and I was reluctant to practice the orgasm oriented sex that I always experienced more or less as a rape. But hopefully I will be in a karezza relationship some day.

Yeah that seems to be the thing

Yeah that seems to be the thing with sexual abuse, we either avoid sex and intimacy or can't get enough sex, sometimes both in phases

I remember this quote I heard "sometimes the things that scare you the most can be the things that save your life"

Nice quote

I hate to admit it, but I think your quote may have some truth to it. I have had sexual abuse as a child as well by a member of the same sex. It was just a one time thing, but it has haunted me all my life. Happened when I was on the threshold of adolescence. I think I've been afraid of women ever since, even though I love being around them. I was married once for a short while and I had a few relationships, but nothing that ever lasted very long. I find myself postponing a lot when it comes to women. My thinking is that I'm not "right enough" yet, or I should wait till I have more of what a woman wants. But I never seem to get there. So I go on thinking I'm not worthy. When I think about my sexual abuse I see it being connected with why I never feel I'm good enough. I've been dealing with this in therapy for the last four years and I'm 60. So, this thing has been around for a long time. I've had a taste of the nofap experience which lasted about 90 days, then a few other periods that lasted close to a month--all in about the last year. I know, and my body knows karezza is the right thing for me. But there is no partner. I am still trying to heal my wounded child so I can make that possible. Seems like more postponing though--

which is why I like your quote. The things that scare me the most just might save my life. Something to chew on.

Thanks

You can't spend much time

on this planet without acquiring some bruises. Ultimately, awareness of your unhealthy patterns is probably the most "preparation" you can gain. The rest is up to you. And remember that any prospective partner also has some bruises, so perfection isn't expected.

Try this website: https://www.seniorsmeet.com/. I'm pretty sure it's the one my sister has been exploring. She dated someone for a bit and said he was refreshingly "normal."I-m so happy

Happy hunting!

Perfection

Thanks Marnia...you are so kind. I don't have a very high opinion about dating sites but I will look into this one. Can't believe I'm already a senior. Life is short and getting shorter, so I must get with it. My inner wounded child keeps tugging at me and saying so. :)

Neither does she

They seem like awful places. However, Consumer Reports ranked that one as one of the most satisfying (still took an average of 6 months to find someone suitable). Let us know how you get on...in about 6 months. Pardon

Depends on where you live

The possibilities seem a little sparse in this area, so it may take more than 6 months. On the other hand, maybe not, when I look at the astrology, and I am told it could happen by December. My feeling though is that it won't be the result of internet dating (and I could be wrong about that), but of being around other people in the places I already frequent.

Time will tell. Either way, 6 months may be about right.

Wish me luck!

Meeting people through

shared interests "in real life" seems far more desirable. My guess is that if you tell a few female friend that you're "on the market" and want to start dating again - could they recommend any nice women?? - you'll be very busy very quickly.

Wow!

What a novel idea! It's great to hear that kind of advice coming from a woman. I've already told one person who knows someone that might be interested, but she lives in another state, on the East coast, while I am more in the Northwest. At any rate, I will give it a try! Great idea! :)

I wanted to add that there's

I wanted to add that there's probably more people than not on this forum with sexual damage. Alot of us who've turned to the slow lovemaking/karezza thing were abused and/or sex addicted and found it through a journey back to healing