Met someone new, how should I go about this?

Submitted by Swedish Thrill on
Printer-friendly version

We had only been on two dates prior to having sex. I'm not used to women moving along this quickly! She kind of surprised me with that. Netflix and BAM! :) Nothing wrong with that, but I learned that the kind of sex she really likes is not what I'd like, so are we incompatible?

We do have a lot in common, it feels like I could really grow to like her. But there is this problem, the sex. If you asked me five years ago, what would I have told you I'd like in a woman. I'd probably say I'd like intense, hot, earth-shaking love. But now I feel like that's not what I want any longer. This woman that I just met, is all about orgasm and chasing the high in bed, that much is clear after spending the night with her.

I, naturally, came immediatelly :)

I acted rather sheepishly afterwards, saying I'd rather not have ejaculated and she asked me what's wrong with that, orgasm is great! Obviously she's coming from a "the only way to make sex bad is to shame it" angle with that remark. I'm not terribly good with words but I told her that I rather not come and that it makes me feel lously afterwards.

I wish I had told her something else, this just confused her I think. I tried to spin it with some sentence about it being nicer if we could be connected longer but eh. She told me that the tempo I was going for would require her to use a vibrator. I didn't challenge that but I now I'm thinking, have she ever tried? Have she ever had a partner willing to test it?

Anyway, needed to put these thoughts somewhere since I have no friends I feel comfortable talking sex with. :)

Topic:

Comments

Hmm.

I have never practiced karezza and still hope to find a partner who would be interested. It still flabbergasts me that men crave it, too- I have yet to meet a man who was not kink/orgasm/pleasure (mostly only his own) focused.

I can understand any woman being defensive when someone proposes something which she perceives may take sexual pleasure away from her. I think part of the reason women hold fast to this narrative is because *finally* history and science are giving a fuck (okay, pun intended) about women's sexuality (even if it is an orgasm centric narrative).

I think if you approach her with compassion and find out more about her in a vulnerable, open way (with no sexual agenda), then over time perhaps karezza would make sense. To me, it only makes sense in terms of intimacy (and intimacy is trust built over time...who knows how long that time will take?). Then after trust happens, then perhaps karezza could be more approachable- because the physical act of karezza matches so well with emotional/spiritual trust (....theoretically for me, anyway).

However, if that is not what you hope for from this woman (or she does not hope for it from you), then I do not have advice to offer. Hopefully others in Karezzaland (who have experience? Wink ) can offer.

Thank you

Hello Beauvoir, thanks for the kind words!

I can only speak for myself, yes I am a man and I found karezza through yourbrainonporn, which I in turn found through some off-hand remark by some vegan philosopher. So it was a long journey :)

There's a lot of people out there that focus on orgasmic sex. We have a radio show here about sex that I used to listen to, years from now when I didn't know of karezza. In it, one of the hosts casually tells a story about how she goes to the bathroom several times a day and masturbates, at work! They played it off as something normal, but it didn't feel right to me. No one is that sexual, I thought she clearly had some problem of some sort. I thought that kind of "sex positivity" was turning a blind eye towards any kind of sexual behavior and took a rather irresponsible position. So I stopped listening!

I'll see how it goes with this girl, I just met her :)

Hmmm...this is a tricky one

and there's no "perfect way" to approach this.

The narrative she has bought into is the dominant one. It's an easy one to buy because orgasm feels so good in the moment and most people have no clue that the neurochemical ripples from it might extend farther.

Would this short piece be a good intro? Why Stop Orgasm Research at Climax?

If she's open to the ideas there, you might simply tell her that you've noticed that although orgasm feels great in the moment, there seem to be costs that no one sees unless they take a longer term view.

I collect a lot of people's reports about "orgasm hangovers" on this page. Not sure she's ready for that yet, but when she is, it's here: Orgasm hangover?

Another approach is to ask if she'd like to try the Exchanges in the back of my book...or choose your own from ideas here: https://www.reuniting.info/resources/exchange_of_the_day Ideally that would be a 3-week commitment...after which you could return to conventional sex with orgasm...and see what you both notice. It might help to read this too: https://www.reuniting.info/science/ecstatic_exchanges_and_neurochemistry

Thanks Marnia

Thank you for taking your time to respond to me, I appreciate it.

She seemed honestly perplexed by my ejaculation woes, maybe it got her thinking. I'll bring the topic up again sometime and see if she has formulated any questions.

I reckon she's a rather smart person and could probably ingest your website whole if she really wanted to, I'll keep it in mind if she shows interest. I was thinking of giving her the Cupid book to read. It's all up to her though, I can only give her the means.

It's hard to tell what her stance is since we haven't really talked it through. We are still just dating technically! But maybe I can convince her to experiment with me. All in its time of course. We'll see! :)

paradigm shift

I think it's a big ask for a new relationship. For me, Karezza has a lot to do with intimacy, and I think there are levels of intimacy that are hard to achieve at the beginning. It takes time to really know and trust someone. It may sound pessimistic of me to say, but I think new sexual relationships probably mostly operate on a fairly shallow level (relatively speaking).

The other point is that Karezza is a substantial paradigm shift. The idea of it is so far afield from anything most people would know about. In fact, the idea sounds crazy at first, so her reaction doesn't surprise me at all. Sex without the orgasm?!? Why would anyone want to do that?!? Sounds crazy, right? How do you explain to someone that there are layers and levels of pleasure hidden within the sexual process; that if you slow down and don't treat orgasm as a destination or goal, that you can extend your pleasure indefinitely (even between sessions)? How do you explain to someone that even one orgasm releases chemicals into their brains for days (or even weeks) that can totally affect their mood and perceptions? Sounds crazy, right?

I was lucky in that my wife got it right away. When I brought it up with her, something clicked and I got no resistance from her about it. We've been enjoying it ever since. But...I had already been with her for over 20 years at that point...

Best of luck with this new relationship however it plays out.

My partner and I were better

My partner and I were better about karezza in some ways much ealier on in our relationship. It might be that I got tired of steering. It's hard to know. Karezza doesn't have to develop over a long period of time and time isn't always on one's side.

Does karezza have to be more intimate than conventional sex? It's different, but perhaps not necessarily more intimate. 

I had a relationship with

I had a relationship with someone orgasm centered awhile back, that relationship failed, but that doesn't mean a relationship like that is doomed.

One day after things between me and her were already well into a spiral downward, we were talking about aspects of our relationship and she talked about our sex in the beginning and how it was slow and passionate and good, yet she also kept demanding that our sex be intense the way she "wanted" it, even though all she did when we tried was scream at me and or treat me bad until my dick went limp. (Marnia you probably remember me b*tching and whining about this woman, now if someone does me like that, I'm just like, "F**k off, I really don't have time for this", I don't wait till it gets uncomfortable at all, bye bye I don't need that sh*t in my life) Point is, she thinks she wants "intensity" but slow sex has its own form of intensity, you go slow and the intensity just builds and builds but on the inside, in a subtle way that slowly becomes not so subtle. It's like this new sensation people aren't used to, so when she starts to say anything like its not intense enough, just be like "shh, relax, trust me, you'll like this" and after awhile she'll start to notice.

Also, I still have the same issue as far as when I'm with someone new, I don't last long. So what? we've got our sensitivity back from not PMOing all the time anymore, yeah? So the trick I find is to get that one over with, then the next time do it slow with control, at least that works for me, its easier to control the second time, maybe an hour or a few hours later

I think the best way to introduce someone to slow lovemaking is to do it, as other people have said on here, it seems like even if I explain and they seem to act like it sounds good to them, they don't really get it, because the feeling of doing it explains far more than words can...