No Sex Marriage: Masturbation, Loneliness, Cheating and Shame

Submitted by freedom on
Printer-friendly version

I'm too tired to comment on too much of this, but there seems a chicken and egg problem. My partner and I disagree about this, but I'm inclined toward it being easier to have sex and then reduce masturbation rather than try her way to not masturbate and then have sex. That seems especially true if we can have less heated sex. She seems to connect her view with a feeling there's a lack of interest in her. I don't see a connection to masturbation and if anything that becomes another layer of chicken and egg. Our differences might reflect how we see the palatability of more open relating to the extent that masturbation might be seen by some as infidelity. I'm curious what others think about said chicken and egg problem. I could be entirely wrong given that we've both struggled to not orgasm for most of our relationship. She tends not to between having sex, while I tend to give up, mostly sooner than later. Cuddling and bonding doesn't seem to tide me over and we're not around each other consistently enough. 

Either way, things seems to become problematic when one partner wants more sex than the other. I've been the less interested partner too, though primarily because I'm too tired at night and there's rarely time in the morning. 



It's tough

When you aren't with your partner all the time. It's tough.

I think the less masturbation the better though. I think that in the long run, it becomes much much easier not to masturbate and to sublimate your sexual energies into partner sex. Even if it is intermittent, it is far better. The key is to avoid triggers, porn, fantasy of every kind. I think it's a much better way to live.

BUT...I do not think it is the partner's business, in this case her business, if you do or do not masturbate. That is your business only. Unless you choose to share. It is so important that we not put pressure on. Pressure creates stormy relationships. Pressure about masturbation is as bad as pressure about sex.

I would schedule sex, to take pressure OFF. Not masturbate. But take discussions or commitments about masturbation or agreements about it off the table.

I'm not sure how we'd

I'm not sure how we'd schedule sex given inconsistent schedules and levels of exhaustion. I'll see what we can come up with. 

I agree it's not her business. My mood deteriorates and that often brings with it masturbation and her being able to tell that likely happened due to my mood. She's mostly trying to confirm her suspicion. Guess and check adds a layer of complexity instead of focusing on the root issues. I don't actively share and that bothers her too. I've wondered if this cycle actually makes me more likely to masturbate. It's hard to know.