I am posting this entry to share a wonderful experience I had with my wife. We've been attempting to bond together for quite some time but never been able to get past a certain point without orgasm. Whether it was Internet-related behaviors on my behalf or her doubts about the necessity of passing up orgasms, we just haven't achieved our long range goals as of yet.
A couple of weeks ago we had an impromptu 'Exchange Ten.' We decided to do a subconscious clean-up exercise together. I had been reading Thomas Keating's thoughts on Alcoholics Anonymous, and I knew I needed to come clean on some things. I knew that I needed a fearless moral inventory (Step 4) and to come clean to my bonding partner (Step 5). We told each other everything that might be potentially holding us back from realizing the fullness of our bond. It was life-changing. It was as if a curtain that I was not aware of had been thrown open and I saw sunlight for the first time. Being radically honest was a hard, gut-wrenching experience for a few moments but once it passed a calm peace came over us that hasn't left. I understand what it feels like to be forgiven and accepted at the level of unconditional love.
I have realized how important it is to have a partner. I realize how much we grow as human beings by practicing accountability and love with another human being. Now that we have had a clean out there is nothing between us or the accomplishment of our goals. The way to the 'classic' 100 days of 'hard-mode' seems way more attainable. But more importantly, the road to bonding and learning how to shift from conventional sexuality to bonding-based sexuality is now available.
Honesty is a prerequisite that I thought I could dispense with. It feels ridiculous to read that in objective black font, but I thought that it was only the brain chemistry that needed to be adjusted. I was wrong. I was holding back not only myself but my wife's happiness. She was always ready to forgive, but I wasn't ready to admit. 'Never plead guilty,' or so my inner-Rumpole said. But by not acknowledging my problems to my wife I was allowing the unconscious guilt to keep me hooked in my patterns. No matter how hard I fought, or what techniques I used, I was always back in front of the computer. It could be seven months or two days; I was back there eventually. This experience of radical honesty allows us to proceed together in bonding for the rest of our lives.
Funny enough, I don't have urges for anything on the computer anymore. I mean full-stop. My wife looks as if she has transformed into the ultimate goddess since we came together in honesty. It's made for some tricky bedroom energy, but that's the point isn't it? We're having a blast learning how to cuddle while feeling like we are eighteen again. We know that energy comes and goes, but we also know that the flames of bonding need not die. With renewed confidence and excitement, we are beginning again with C.P.A's bonding advice and our own intuition.
Best of wishes to everyone on this blog and everyone who is attempting to move from habit to harmony.