♥ everything's so much better

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One of the reasons I am blogging here in such detail is primarily for myself. But also I think it can prove helpful to guys reading this at some point, a tidbit here or there.

I started here to deal with a porn habit and quickly came to the realization that now is the best time for me to really discover sex and answers to sexual questions that I've had since or before puberty.

I studied and read over many old posts on this site and really went into depth by reading different people's experiences not just with porn addiction recovery but also Karezza.

I had recently resolved to just trust the penis and vagina and not worry anymore about my erections. Soft entry works anyway. The penis responds even if just the head is in the nice warm moist vagina, and you can have great feelings doing this.

So that's been a biggie for me to relax around. it's so much better not worrying about erections anymore, I can't tell you how refreshing this is.

So that's one huge discovery.

Another is that it is possible to really relax and have great sex. Not build up tension, but instead relax. Things happen on their own and the bodies know what to do.

That is a second huge discovery. This can and does spill into everything else in life. You relax into sex, you find yourself able to relax into business or relationships, and everything can become more effortless.

Isn't that wondeful? And it leads to great prosperity. Start with sexual prosperity.

We have sex much more than we ever did before, for longer. We aren't yet at a point where we have sex for an hour, but we have sex for half an hour, and almost every day. We're in our fifties, and for me anyway the sex is better than it ever was and I don't worry about not having enough sex.

So that's also a huge discovery, wouldn't you agree? What guys today are married 25 years and don't worry about not getting enough?

Sexual prosperity.

Also, I discussed how things are going with Sparkles last night. She said I'm more considerate and things are easier between us and she has better feelings for me. She said she always had good feelings for me but they're even better now.

This has been wonderful for our relationship, which was good before, but now it's getting to another plane, a much higher level. She feels it too.

Relationship prosperity.

I'm going through some tough times in my business life, and this is helping me relax into it and feel good about things even when they're tough. Because our relationship is so solid and all that great oyxtocin and those half hours of intercourse almost every day, it just adds up to incredible prosperity, abundance.

 

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You'll like this message that I got

from another "Karezzanaut" today:

I’ve been having regular talks with D and we’ve been discussing the limitations and challenges we see in the Karezza material that’s out in the world today. Though there is a lot of great info, we seem to agree that there are still too many uptight, moralistic complications and misunderstandings about how to achieve it. Not that Karezza is difficult, but for many men, the path of breaking out of the mating sex mindset, especially amid the deluge of porn temptation, survival stress, and a general unwillingness to educate themselves, is part of the greater problem between men and women.

            He’s challenged me with some additional resource material that has shaped his own personal understanding concerning male/female polarity, relationships and so forth.  It’s been a fascinating experience to be able to talk to a guy that shares the same passion for sacred bonding with a woman that I do. Anyway, I’m working on my own way to write and express these things in a clear way that will address the misconceptions that Karezza is boring, uneventful, humdrum, monotonous and so on. Because that’s the kind of things I keep hearing when I share this info with guy friends. They often seem content to settle for what D calls the “lick, pump, squirt and snore” approach.
            I must admit that at the beginning, I too, thought that Karezza required little more than that the man remain calm, absolutely still, motionless and just be patient enough to wait for some kind of divine energy transfer. After reading the Richardson’s books it soon proved to be quite comforting for me to make love this way.  The truth is, however, it didn’t really do that much for my wife. We both thought that it was just an issue that her feminine heart needed to be healed, or opened up or that she just needed to learn to relax more. We went along with this for quite a while and though there were times the Karezza was good, it wasn’t really what we’d call Splendid, Grand, Magnificent.
            Then D broke that for us by relating his experience. Within a few days, my wife and I were at a completely new level, which is just incredible. Neither one of us ever thought we’d ever experience so much astonishing pleasure and sensitivity. Then that melted us together even more and started to ripple out into our other experiences with the rest of our life.
Needless to say, I'll share his insights as he writes them up!

yeah I'm looking forward to hearing those insights

The truth is, however, it didn’t really do that much for my wife. We both thought that it was just an issue that her feminine heart needed to be healed, or opened up or that she just needed to learn to relax more. We went along with this for quite a while and though there were times the Karezza was good, it wasn’t really what we’d call Splendid, Grand, Magnificent.

...

Within a few days, my wife and I were at a completely new level, which is just incredible. Neither one of us ever thought we’d ever experience so much astonishing pleasure and sensitivity. Then that melted us together even more and started to ripple out into our other experiences with the rest of our life.

It has been great for me. I just took to this instantly. I was waiting for this and never knew it.

Not the same for my wife, however. She continues to say she doesn't really feel much. She enjoys it but it's "not erotic" for her.

She says that she is being present during intercourse. I think that takes practice. She says she is relaxing. Maybe so. But I don't sense her being really present when I am inside her. And she is more passive than receptive, I would say.

To me she is very defensive about her breasts and I think there are breakthroughs to be had here. I think some breakthroughs are going to happen. She doesn't but I do. But that's very typical in our relationship, where she doesn't expect much and I expect a lot :) 

Try asking her to focus on

Try asking her to focus on whatever she enjoys and whatever feelings bubble up without worrying about what it should be and isn't or however she feels lacking. Allow her space to be present to whatever she wants. She seems to be focused on an expectation you are broadcasting. Her feelings might be different than yours and even more wonderful. She will have trouble getting there if you insist on your route.

thank you freedom

there is a lot to be said for what you wrote. I am working on that. I have too many expectations (no way!) and these spill over even though I like to think I conceal it.

But, on the other hand, I am extremely loving and accepting of what is, and that comes across very strongly and I think is the antidote so that I'm not as unpleasant and pressure-y as I might depict here Smile

I've posted here earlier, that my wife is really my first partner I have had intercourse with (and the only one) and I've gained some new perspective recently. I think we both can and will enter new realms of pleasure this way as our past inhibitions unravel. Mine especially.

 

Perhaps try a revised

Perhaps try a revised expectation. It might be too much work to rewire your brain that seems used to being expectation driven. Fighting yourself will get you nowhere. Try to map in your own brain patterns something that is an expectation that you can entirely control and that also holds meaning for her. Something like "I will maintain an ever larger space for us both."

Oh where oh where did my edit

Oh where oh where did my edit go...? I know. We'll get there.

Figure out how to map the expectation in your mind so that she's already there with you. It won't help if she feels she needs to move. It's more about a space for her to explore and stumble around in when she's ready. Bring her into your journey by relaying your real-time experiences. Imagine you are children encouraging each other's curiosity in the world's sandbox. You know no more about what you plan to learn together than she. Maybe you're just braver about handling the bugs. Make your own feminine part welcome in this space. Allow a time when you do nothing as her time to look around and see if she'd like to wander or lead you some.

I love how I can write this as if I have know what I'm talking about. I'm learning from you explorers. Learn quick before my knowledge runs into a wall (or I find a partner and leave y'all in the dust). A beginner's mind knows no bounds.

Your experiences with your

Your experiences with your wife sound wonderful, mate. I hope your business situation sees some improvement soon.

I will try to think "prosperity" whenever I see "emerson." Never know, maybe it will help Wink

I've been learning

to accept intercourse without ejaculation, and without orgasm. I've actually never orgasmed/ejaculated during intercourse; long story, basically porn related. My erections are *so so* during intercourse; they're not so hard that I'm heated up to the point of easy orgasm. I've been rebooting for 3/4 *rocky* months, not a "pure" reboot, plenty of backslides. Accepting less than full erections is something I'm learning until I'm more healed. Meanwhile, I'm needing to relax more into the intercourse I am having, and look more for a spiritual transfer, rather than focus on my erections/performance. Finding a good intercourse position for us/me is important too; I think it might be scissors, but I don't quite feel adept at that yet.

Emerson, this might be

Emerson, this might be helpful. I was just reflecting on my own journey to becoming more sensitive to subtle pleasures. This came about through having a partner that was not really into conventional sex with me, but into exploring sexual arousal and sensations of all sorts. We played a lot with sensation on certain non-genital body parts that were sensitive for him - I would touch him in as many different ways as I was inspired to try, using my hands in different ways, my fingernails, tongue, saliva, teeth, blowing. He wasn't watching, but was expressing how he felt with non-verbal sounds of pleasure and sometimes pain. He would let me go wherever I was inspired to go, just trusting me, even if he didn't like certain sensations. It was great for me - he was like a canvas that I could be creative with. He then described those feelings in great detail. The receptive end was harder for me, it didn't come naturally, especially since I was usually really aroused (I was still masturbating and orgasming lots at that point), but having seen what being truly receptive was like, it became easier. So when he blindfolded me and used me as a canvas, I really paid attention to the unique sensations I was experiencing. It was extremely pleasurable for me and after wards I was able to reflect on and describe those sensations way more than I ever would have in the past.

this is very helpful indeed

It was fun to read, too. Uh oh, triggers! LOL.

I can see doing something like that, I think it's totally a cool thing to do. I love it. I think the example of my telling her what I am feeling when she "canvases" my body, and then having her put the blindfold on and doing the same thing, is very cool. I will try it, it sounds like so much fun and it might be helpful in learning more subtle sensations.

I once had

an Exchange like this in a draft of my first book...but a friend of mine reported that it was *too* erotic when her sweetheart got out a feather, so I cut it out. But, hey, why not? Could be just the thing to get Sparlkes sparking.

They are primarily

bonding behaviors, as you know. But there are two groups of lovers who use them. Some are overheated...and others are somewhat shutdown. Curiously, bonding behaviors can help with both things. This particular exercise, however, is only helpful, if at all, in the latter case. I'm not sure if it would help, but I always encourage people to make their own experiments.

I lost you in a "this." A

I lost you in a "this." A sensate focusing exercise is only helpful, if at all, for somewhat shutdown partners? It seems that is how it is used. Is it accurate to say that is the only helpful use? I can see the exchanges and sensate focusing exercises being related take-offs from bonding behaviors... possibly even derivations that are quite similar. Both slow down the process, encourage sharing, synchronization, etc. Am I missing something about one or both? What about sensate focusing exercises might not work for the overheated lovers?

Yeah, maybe it needs to come

Yeah, maybe it needs to come with a disclaimer or something...a little warning about voicing when things just get too hot, and being prepared to stop and calm things down. My partner at the time was fine with it, it's hugely stimulating for him, but not *too* erotic. For me on the other hand, certain sensual implements he used were over the top (way too triggering to write here).

Sexual prosperity, I like the

Sexual prosperity, I like the sound of that. If you dont mind I think I'll hijack that phase and use it when I talk with people about karezza.

Its been my observation that women often warm up to karezza slower than men, but not always. I know folks have heard me talk about "feminine lock down" and "male neediness". I believe feminine lock down takes a bit longer to release than male neediness. Its like the feminine needs to thaw out from a frozen state and releasing the male neediness seems to be more about a change of mind set. Also, I observe the feminine lock down really requires the male neediness to subside before she can start the thawing process. Seems like sparkles has begun the process.

And yes, regular sex after 50? Who would have thought I'd be having better and more sex now then when I was in my twenties. Sometimes I want to stand on the corner and shout it out. "Yes, you can have a fabulous sex life and a overall better relationship. All you have to do is one simple thing, STOP ORGASMING" Who would have thought??

working on this from different angles

more breast play for sure. We are making quite fun headway in this direction. And I am putting more energy into the Karezza sex, a bit more motion than I would be 100% happy with.

She is definitely set on being non-orgasmic for now. Because I'm doing it. And we had a discussion and I said she's been in a really good mood, and she agreed. Despite difficulties in our business life right now, she's been in an amazing mood compared to any time I remember in our marriage actually. I think she is seeing the passion cycle connection.

She does lubricate and is physically aroused but not mentally aroused, I suppose. But I can see signs of a thaw.

i think women maybe reboot in this situation, could that be? Not having orgasms after decades of regular orgasms, could she be rebooting in a way? I can't see why not.