I'd become very needy and demanding since I quit masturbating and porn and started bonding behaviors with my wife.
I think the reason is that I want something.
That's always what it is, bottom line. You want something. So you try to get it.
I mean, it's kinda understandable. Surprisingly I'm not as eternally horny as I would have thought. We are doing a lot of daily bonding and that satiates my horniness to a great degree.
But there is something far deeper that I yearn for.
I feel very different than ever before and much more focused on my wife and my loving feelings for her which are far more intense, almost physical.
It isn't really lust. Although I can easily get an erection thinking of her (which wouldn't have happened before for a long time, since we met really.)
My feelings are like a very focused high energy beam and it is hard for her to take.
From her point of view, I've changed the relationship without consulting her. And pretty quickly too!
I think she feels that it will be better but she feels a lot of pressure from me.
Like I said, I want something. I want her to want me a lot more.
I'm afraid that she won't reciprocate my feelings of affection and that she won't want me the way I want her.
So I push myself on her, and she of course responds predictably by pulling away.
I had proposed a "your day/my day" strategy that I read about here, originally in a post by Sood and then recently in a comment by Freedom. Each person gets their day (Sood and his wife had done this week by week if I remember correctly) to initiate whatever they want with the other person, or nothing.
Today she proposed it back to me. It's her day today. She initiates, she does or doesn't do. Her idea. This put a big smile on her face and was her idea and I was delighted to see that. I don't care what she does or doesn't want to do. I am thrilled.
If I understand correctly, Darryl has said that I need to find a center and work on that myself and by changing my energy she'll change hers. I think this is true.
It is most important to me that I feel wanted and a connection with her. I'm not interested in pushing myself on her. It's a lonely place to be and I don't want to be there. In fact that's where we've been during much of our sexual relationship and that is no longer acceptable to me.
I am glad that I insisted on daily morning and evening bonding with her. That has made a huge difference. And I think we'll both be incredibly happy with this arrangement once we work out the kinks and get more in sync. This takes time and is a lot to absorb.
But because I'm wanting change so badly, I'm therefore creating a space where that won't happen.
So Darryl is right. And I'm returning to my center.
This is really about trust.
Trusting that if I move to the center she will change. That's the only way for me now. And I think we've bonded enough at my insistence and it's time to see what she wants and what she feels like and just be okay with that.
We haven't had intercourse in some days now which is cool with me. I want her full attention next time I'm inside her. That's all I've ever wanted. And you know what? I think we'll be there for each other that way. When it's time again.
I do have to say that the passion cycle I think has a lot of validity for her and probably for me.
She is on day 15 and almost a different person than she was a few days ago.
Day 13 was a real bummer. Of course we are always tempted to attribute external circumstances but her behavior was strikingly similar to many times in the past and I'm putting two and two together.
I'm not sure if she'll remain non-orgasmic (as I am) but I think she might. I think she is becoming attracted to this Karezza stuff so long as I don't push her away by pushing myself and my agenda.
I think she got very low expectations around sex and I believe that her libido will wake up through this and we'll both get a lot out of things.
She is the only woman I've ever had intercourse with and I didn't know better. I think I've been a lousy lover, quite frankly.
I also think that in a way, much of my occasional ED in the past was a result of my not getting her full presence during intercourse.
I'm no longer worrying about that at all.
My penis will know what to do (and has all along.) I expect to gain a lot of sensitivity and to really get the fact that she is there with me rather than sex being a "me fucking her" activity or even a "me putting it in" activity that's it been even over the past month.
I told her that the only way I want to have PIV intercourse is when she's fully there with me and that's how I feel about it. So now I am trusting that this space opening up will work out well and I'm going to see what happens.
Today is her day. Yea!