I don't really know if there's any real purpose to this post. I guess I just need to write it somewhere and I can't really talk about it IRL.
I'll introduce myself quickly. I am a 23 year old male, currently studying. I have been PMO'ing for what seems like forever. I think I was 12 when I was first introduced to internet porn by a friend, I'd never masturbated before that, although I had had a few day-dreams before that (I think) where I fantasized about sex. I'm not really sure about the last part. In essence, porn has been with me since the start.
I lost my virginity at 16, awkward as hell, hard to ejaculate even then. I had to have very intense sex for way longer than I thought, which was comical since I thought I'd cum immediately. I thought it was just the way I worked, since then I've had sex with quite a few others, always more or less without orgasming, suffering from delayed ejaculation, in some cases outright ED. I've had one good experience with sex, when I was about 18-19. It was sensual, caring. It felt good afterwards, the only time I can think of when the sex didn't feel like heavy guilt on my part for not being able to cum.
I've also had problems with a marijuana addiction and cigarettes, I quit both of them last year. I thought I was finally addiction free when I came upon YBOP. I read for 2 days straight about it, and quit porn and masturbation on the spot. It's been 14 days. I feel depressed, sad, I wanna watch porn and jerk off sometimes, the cravings can get immensely hard. I have so far resisted all urges. It feels like going through hell, it's even worse than quitting cigarettes and weed. I feel like a part of me is missing, my flatline is not comforting at all although I'm not worried. I just feel like shit right now. I have no motivation to do anything, I have no one to talk to. I feel utterly alone, even though I am not. All my failings come back to haunt me, I've suffered depression before for a very extended period of time (several years) and I know the symptoms. But this time there's nothing to alleviate it. No porn, no weed, no cigarettes. Even alcohol is bad for me.
last time I went out drinking (friday) I got really drunk and groped my best friend (a girl, I'm not a homosexual, although I have tried it). I have no memory of it. I have never felt so ashamed in my life, she's got a boyfriend and they're happy together, I have no real interest for her in that department, I love her as a sister. She forgave me the day afterwards, but I'm not sure I can forgive myself. I feel like I have to break contact with her so I won't hurt them as well.
I've been ranting, you'll have to forgive me. I just needed to spell out my thoughts. To summarize and try to have some kind of point with this post, I feel that the withdrawal symptoms are very much the worst I've experienced. I don't have any libido yet I still crave porn, I feel very lonely even when people are around. Social anxiety has gone down but I feel like shit most of the time. The ups and downs are horrid.