250 days no PMO challenge after relapse

Submitted by nopainrock on
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Hi guys; I came across to YBOP website thanks to a friend about 3 months ago. At first I didn't take it too seriously and just 'cut down' porn instead of giving it up. However before my summer holiday I realised how I was feeling tired all the time, lacking motivation and it was too hard to concentrate so I decided to take up a 120 day no pmo challenge. All of the symptoms were similar to what other guys wrote on YBOP and this forum and after having a difficulty in the first week due to a deep flatline, I realised how I was recovering and how porn ruined my life. In the meantime, in order to speed up 'rewiring' and 'recovery' I started going to the gym and meet up more frequently with my female friends. However on day 53 I stupidly thought it would be a good time to 'test' masturbation without porn, and I actually succeeded to masturbate without watching or fantasising about porn. However, it led to a big chaser effect so I relapsed after just three days. Today I am re-starting my counter and taking up a challenge of 9 months or at least 250 days of no PMO. I think I learned from my mistakes from my first reboot, so this time I am installing a parental control software to my lap top to block porn sites and this time I will avoid masturbation even without porn.

Another conclusion I drew from my last reboot is that I turn to masturbation because; even though I hate to admit it, deep down I fear that I will never have a proper relationship with a girl I like. I'm not a virgin but only had sex couple of times, all of them were one-night stands and in my last two affairs, I had difficulty to 'get it up' and thought it was just performance anxiety. Now I see it is actually porn related.

Another thing that worries me is that during my past reboot even though it lasted nearly 2 months I didn't have any wet dreams and after masturbation I realised how my balls shrank so deep down, I also fear I might have lost my fertility at some point may be? And as I said before, when I was at high school and university I was shy around girls, so I believe reboot will take longer since I started MO with porn, before I started to 'flirt' around girls at a young age (when I was 14, actually and now I'm 23)

Also I promised myself that in two years time, before 01/01/2016 If I don't have a proper relationship with a girl, I will give up trying to find a girlfriend and even having one-night stands. I was never good with girls anyway, didn't have a single GF since puberty so even after this reboot If I can't find a girl, I will just accept the fact that I'm not good at relationships and girls don't like me so wether I PMO or not won't matter anymore.

For those who read this post to the end, thanks a lot! I will give you updates every month; at least I'll try. Any comments, suggestions and motivational writings will be appreciated.

Improve yourself, the girls will come

Girls respond mainly to two things: confidence and authenticity. As ironic as it sounds, your self-defeating attitude is a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, with that attitude, you will never be successful at attracting girls. It is a chicken and egg problem, but if you can accept the truth of that, then you can just forget about the girls for now, and build your confidence.

Building confidence is about realizing your true nature; your intrinsic value as a unique human being. Meditation can help with that. It's simple, but not easy. It's not easy because your mind is used to telling you (and you are used to believing what your mind is telling you) that you are not good enough. I believe strongly that you would find this book helpful in changing those beliefs: The Mind-Made Prison.

In addition to all that, I (having been very shy when I was younger) found that working through some books on overcoming shyness (a.k.a. social anxiety) was very helpful because that gave me certain recipes; techniques I could use to project more confidence than I actually felt at the time. The bottom line here is to focus on the other person, not on yourself (and all of your insecurities). That produced small wins which built into real confidence, which snowballed into bigger wins, ultimately producing a positive feedback loop. Right now, you are doing the opposite of that; i.e. you are in a negative feedback loop. Think about what I'm saying. You can verify the truth of it in your experience if you look closely enough.

After building some confidence, at some point, you will notice that the girls are responding. In fact, I bet some girls (who don't know you yet) are already responding; but your belief system is not allowing you to receive that input and interpret it without your negative bias. I wish now that I had that information when I was your age. Looking back, I can identify many times when girls had responded to me, and even approached me with sexual intent; I just didn't have the confidence to get that message at the time.

As a man, there are certain external things you can do to attract attention from women, such as have a lean muscular body and have good financial prospects (or appear that you do). Knowing that can be helpful because there are things you can do to improve yourself in those ways, further increasing your confidence. But these are relatively shallow things, and the attention you get from them is short-lived in that they are only door-openers. Once the door is open, you'll need to back them up with actual heart-felt confidence and authenticity in order to keep it open. Also, focusing on your external attributes can backfire, if you use them as a yardstick with which to judge yourself harshly (rather than as a tool for self-improvement).

Massive kudos on taking up the no PMO challenge. As I'm sure you've already discovered, the porn (and frequent orgasm) add fuel to the social anxiety, so removing those from the equation will support your efforts to increase confidence.

Good luck!