56 year old male needs to regain sensitivity

Submitted by greekgeo on
Printer-friendly version

I recently ended a 29 year relationship where as time went on the friction based sex got faster and faster and more unfulfilling. I would bring her to orgasm and then she would quickly arouse me...intercourse.. orgasm for me, out. PE set in over time and I even began losing my erection quickly. I left the bedroom and was celibate for the last 2.5 years and didn't even masturbate much during that time.

I have since studied Eastern philosophy and Tantra; both really resonate with me. Karezza is very much inline and this group seems very nourishing. I never got into porn but masturbated a reasonable amount over the years... mostly in the shower. I am single now and starting to date and I am finding that I need physical touch in order to get an erection (which I seem to loose rather quickly) but then the PE kicks in. both issues makes pleasurable intercourse difficult and sometimes impossible.

I would be interested in connecting with a male who has had similar experiences or a female who had a partner like me in the past. I believe that I need to slow down the love making process and regain the sensitivity in my privates to the point where I can get an erection through my thought and then learn to abstain from ejaculation. I eat clean foods, take supplements and am physically fit. No problem with nighttime and morning erections .... both of which are much firmer than when I am with a woman. Any perspective would be appreciated .... thanks!

Sorry for what you've been through

I'd take the performance pressure off entirely for a while, but do as many bonding behaviors as possible: The Lazy Way to Stay in Love. Just tell your partner(s) you want to take it slowly. My guess is that, as pair bonders, many of us do better with lots of touch: Guys: Where Do You Fall on the Monogamy Spectrum?

When you want to go forward, try something like the 3-week program in the back of Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. It's good for giggles, and will give you some structure as you move back into intercourse.

thanks

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and compassion, Marnia. Having been without intimacy for so long, I am anxious to have a deep connection with a woman and my desire is strong, but my body is slow to respond and stay excited. I also seem to be meeting women that are equally thirsty and desire physical pleasure. I will have to read your recommendations work on slowing down my relationships. Not sure if it would be possible to talk on the phone at some point. Thanks again .... George

Friend, I think that once you

Friend, I think that once you have a steady, worthwhile woman in your life and you proceed down the Karezza path with her, that your PE will disappear, over time. It took months of Karezza with my wife before my PE went away, and the process continued to improve over the course of a year. So, for me, there was no overnight resolution of PE, even with Karezza. But, clearly, over time, it did go away, and is not a problem now (unless we engage in heavy-handed foreplay; then, I am nearly guaranteed to suffer a bout of PE).

With regard to erections, it has only been after 15 months or so of Karezza that I began having spontaneous erections again (I am 53 and in excellent health). They happen at the realistic thought or mention of intercourse with my wife. And, their appearance is inconsistent, only here and there. I sense (and hope!) that their rate of occurrence is increasing. Nonetheless, intercourse with my wife works well given lube (I highly recommend grapeseed oil). And, during intercourse, my erections arrive (and pass and return) and all works out well.

Best wishes on your upcoming journey, friend!

thanks

Thanks for your thoughtful comments, John. Your story gives me hope and I think my biggest challenge is going to be slowing down and finding the right partner. The first woman that I got serious with moved quickly into physicality. She wanted quick, hard sex .... the opposite of what I desired after studying the resonating philosophies of Tantra. Needless to say I could not perform anywhere near her expectations and desires. Your feedback is helping me to refine my discussions with women. I have been sending a message that I crave physical intimacy which has been interrupted as "ego based sex" but I really need to start with slow love making with lots of intimate touch.

I spoke to someone who recommended prostrate massage using an Aneros as a way to move the sexual energy around which would help resolve ED and PE. Not sure if you ever went down this path.

You mentioned using lube with your wife ... did that allow intercourse with a mild errection or did your wife need additional lubrication? Thanks again .... George

A few more thoughts

First, I realize that porn has never been your issue, but I think this article might help you reframe what you need from a partner: Boyfriend Quitting Porn? 5 Tips | Your Brain On Porn

Second, many women have been overstimulating themselves with sex toys. Just as real women can never hope to equal an infinite parade of streaming porn actors in terms of instant stimulation, men cannot hope to duplicate the stimulation of a sex toy. So, this situation may be partly her issue as well. If she wants to increase her sensitivity to pleasure, she may want to watch this (which is about food, but applies to sex as well, as the same reward system of the brain governs both): The pleasure trap: Douglas Lisle at TEDxFremont - YouTube

and read this: Woman, Vibrators, and Shaky Sex Research | Reuniting

and this: Vibrators and Other Pleasures: When Moderation Fails | Your Brain On Porn

Third, if you use an Aneros, let us know how it works out. My guess is that it is a way of going down the same track as a woman using a vibrator. The instant stimulation will no doubt do "wonders," but you could be heading for a situation where your sex life consists not of intercourse, but of mutual masturbation with sex toys. Nothing wrong with that, but unlikely to be as deeply nourishing for both of you.

Fourth, some people have success with taking all performance demands off the table for weeks, and connecting through "soft entry." This is often the fastest way to get Mr. Happy to perk up, because human sexuality doesn't like performance demands. Erections are a parasympathetic response, which means a relaxed, pressure free, safe-feeling environment is conducive to better erections. You can read about "soft entry" here: Does soft entry work? Just think of such encounters as a sort of "mutual sexual meditation" and don't try to make them into anything approaching conventional sex. Instead of forcing arousal, "follow" it, as you reawaken. Trust, because it can take time.

Of course, such an approach requires an open-minded partner who cares about you enough to go slow for a bit. Alas, we haven't found a way to convert driven people who have bought into the current mainstream myth that "good sex" equals "hard sex," but you two may want to listen to this podcast I just did as a way to think about alternative approaches.

Re-awaken

Hi Marnia .... thanks for the follow-up thoughts.

I don't think that the intention of the Aneros is quick stimulation. It is meant to massage the prostrate and get the blood flowing to that area again with the result being stronger, longer lasting erections in addition to a heather prostate. You are actually supposed to refrain from touching your penis while you are using it. I will keep you posted as I experiment.

Thanks for the homework assignments and for your sincere interest to help.

George, I have never gone

George, I have never gone down the prostate massage path (not that there's anything wrong with that, ha, ha). Yes, lube on 'junior' allows intercourse with a mild erection. I use lube to (1) allow penetration when I have a mild erection and (2) in the case of a moderate-to-full erection, to ease the overly-stimulating-for-me friction upon initial entry. Whenever I fail to 'lube up' before intercourse, I am nearly guaranteed to have inadvertent ejaculation.

another thought

Hi John,
Thanks for sharing. A book on Tantra that I read talks about plenty of lube and "soft penetration."

You might want to do some research on prostrate massage. Its all about blood flow! Many guys using the Aneros report improved penile action (my term) and I believe that it is also good for your prostrate health in general. Its all about keeping the energy flowing and breaking up stagnation. You might find this video interesting:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxMI6XheLpQ

I had a remote session with Alex and he said that he has treated many guys with my challenge and that the key is getting the energy moving by messaging the prostrate which breaks up stagnation and gets the blood/energy flowing again. Makes a lot of sense to me and I purchased an Aneros recently but have only used it a couple of times. Alex thought thought that I would see an improvement in a couple of weeks based on his past experience. He was not a big fan of going down the supplement route and felt that the prostrate massage was the way to go but I have also started taking some supplements to improve my vascular health in general. Couldn't hurt ....

Prostate massage

I don't know how relevant this is but since practicing Karezza I have noticed an astonishing difference in the strength of my urine stream and the decreased frequency in my need to urinate.

I'm not too clear on what is going on internally as I hover between the 60%-80% mark during sex but it certainly feels like my prostate is actively squeezing itself, under is own volition, on a regular, rhythmical basis. It seems like it is massaging itself, if that is physiologically possible.

My original concern for prostate health was that Karezza might stress it out somewhat, by causing it to work for no reward; but it certainly doesn't feel that way.

This is an entirely subjective view and I could be wrong about what is happening inside even though the outward signs are clear enough.

Sensitivity

You put "needs to regain sensitivity" in the title -- I think that's a great direction to aim in. It sounds like you have the insight that sensitivity is what you need. I'm sure there's a woman out there who would respect that and would want to help you cultivate that sensitivity!

This article might be helpful; it suggests a regimen of goal-free genital massage to get started. http://www.reuniting.info/karezza_four_easy_steps

thanks

Thanks for sharing your caring thoughts and passing along the link. Finding a like minded women in this area where there is mutual attraction is going to be a challenge. its a tough subject to lead with along with all of the other "get to know" topics. Trying to have some fun along the way ....

True. Maybe one approach is

True. Maybe one approach is to talk in terms of your own aspirations ("I'm on a quest to learn to make love endlessly and without goals.") ... without asking anything of her.

The right lady will need to respect what you're trying to do, but will have to come to her own enlightenment and decisions. I think several men on here have had wives who initially enjoyed the opportunity to have many orgasms but soon enough wanted to discover something more satisfying.

Also, other people can't argue with your experience. At the right time, you could mention how unpleasant you find the hangover period. A woman who cares would want to help you avoid that.

A final thought (related to what I imagine are the attitudes and expectations you're likely to hear from women): what a raw deal for women! It seems like society is not willing to "liberate" us from the expectation to have orgasms? Whatever! I guess we have to liberate ourselves.

There are a lot of pushy girl friends out there who have basically told me, out of misguided concern for my own good that I should masturbate more, that I should get a vibrator. Well? Isn't it my choice not to go that direction? All this about control over my own body and whatnot? There must be a lot of women out there who are being shortchanged by this kind of peer pressure.

great suggestion

I really like your suggestion about talking in terms of my own aspirations. I have talked about it in spiritual terms which many probably do not understand. I will play with your recommendation and see how it goes. One woman that I was talking to understood my language about spiritual union but she also sent me a message that she likes the excitement of "quick, hot passionate sex" at times. Not sure that I understand how to balance that with Karezza in the right proportions.... the journey continues. Thanks for sharing!

You could ask her

to try karezza for 3 weeks and then experiment with what she wants and see how things go over the next couple weeks. I made many such experiments before I "got it." Blush

update

I have been using the Aneros 2-3 times per week and actually felt a full body sensation one time. Pretty cool. From feedback on their forums it may take many months of use before the benefits start to be felt. i plan to keep at it because i like the idea of improving blood flow to the prostrate and hope to see the love making improvements that many report.

I continue dating multiple women but have not been getting very physically intimate yet. I do have intimate conversations with my dates and many women seem to desire the "hot sex" paradigm and are looking to feel the new romance "spark" and the arousing response to their physicality I may have some fear about engaging too quickly because its been a while and I am not sure how my body will react. Most women are not used to the guy wanting to take it slow! I move fast towards physical touch but not towards fast, full intercourse. Finding the right woman in all dimensions is proving difficult. I went to a Tantra workshop once and the women had enormous emotional pain from past relationships.... not a good fit for me.

Marnia ... I started reading your book .... very well written and informative. I especially like the sections where you talk about your personal experiences as you were learning. It seems like it was a bit tricky for you to find the right balance at the beginning. Looking forward to continuing the learning.

Yes, I was a slow learner

But what I learned was pretty fascinating. And there's now a fair amount of evidence of a lingering post-O neurochemical cycle. Scientists just aren't thinking much in terms of its possible effects on relationship harmony...yet.

"...One woman that I was

"...One woman that I was talking to understood my language about spiritual union but she also sent me a message that she likes the excitement of "quick, hot passionate sex" at times..."

We, on this forum, have all changed in important ways over time.

If the woman was onboard about spiritual union, that is the greater barrier to cross, is my sense. To me, that means she is open-minded. With that open-mindedness -- and experience of Karezza with you -- she may become a fan of Karezza. If she does not, it was a worthy try on your part, I think.

I think it may be a bit much to ask a person who has had no exposure to Karezza to be onboard with it right away, before having even tried it. The concept, when verbalized, makes no sense to those of us raised in our twisted American culture. Every segment of media, and 'education' and 'medicine,' pushes orgasm. I only became open to Karezza after experiencing a shocking bout of impotence with my wife, resulting from my years of secret porn use.

I overcame my impotence by

I overcame my impotence by reading 'Cupid's Poisoned Arrow' and following it to the letter: I stopped watching porn cold turkey, I stopped masturbating cold turkey, we conducted the 13 (IIRC) days of bonding behaviors, then proceeded to non-orgasmic intercourse thereafter. My equipment works wonderfully, now!

nice ...

I suspect that you noticed the arousal from your wife coming back slowly during the 13 days of bonding behaviors. I am almost done with the book, have never be into porn and curtailed masturbation. All I need is a partner which I feel is right around the corner. I also am continuing with the prostrate massage and experimenting with supplements. Latest one is Prelox .... which is a combination of Pycnogenol, L-Arginine and Icarlin. I like the thought of improving vascular health in general. Thanks for sharing.

It took a long time for my

It took a long time for my impotence to resolve. The spirit of arousal was there, but the flesh was weak.

I use high-intensity interval training for vascular health, which I agree with you is important. I do the Tabata protocol (four minutes of interval exercise, regain breath, four minutes of interval exercise again) using burpees/up-downs/squat-thrusts. I do it every other day and feel great. I wager that it has accelerated the production of human growth hormone and maybe even testosterone (Marnia's Gary would know the answer on that).