So its been 99 days since I last watched porn. Its been 100 days since I've orgasmed. I still can not control fantasy and masturbation (the best I did with masturbation was 12 days and a 3 day mark). Usually I'll get 2 days. However, I am very lonely and I long for a relationship but as I am devoutly religious, it makes things very difficult.
I'm 33 and have been viewing internet porn since I was about 15. My ED happened when I was 19 and in college...a horror. I still have my ED issues, probably because I won't give my penis/brain a break. Its the same problem, I wake up and start thinking sexual thoughts to get myself going and usually end up masturbating (edging because I have orgasmed yet but I am headed in that direction). Part of me feels that if I orgasm I won't feel so lonely. But the truth is, the urge I have to orgasm is a biological motivation to have sex with a woman and if I orgasm without a woman it will be a let down.
However, I'm nervous that I am about relapse and I wanted take some time a write down some positive affects from this reboot before I do.
1. I learned I don't need porn. I've lived 99 days without and have survived just fine. I have had urges to view it but thank G-d I haven't really desired it all that much. I have seen same naked images because I look at paintings. I get a little excited but in a normal way.
2. Its true that your penis does get bigger, kind of. When I was masturbating to orgasm all the time, my penis looked like a shriveled turtle's head. Now my penis is longer and fuller. It looks like a normal healthy adult penis. Its by no means a third leg but it doesn't need to be.
3. I have gotten several nocturnal erection, which I haven't had in so many years. They weren't great erections but something is better than nothing.
4. I notice real live woman A LOT more. Its dangerous for me to be driving honestly. First, I feel much more motivated to talk to and ask out real live women. Last we something inside me took over and asked a woman from my office building for coffee. It has become easier to talk to women because I have this great goal of orgasming with a woman, and I've just had to push away the anxiety because its a stumbling block to my greater goal. Second, the other day I was on the subway and I noticed myself sexually attracted to all shorts of women. Tall, short, younger, older, skinny, fat, fair skinned, darker skinned, hair colors, etc. Avoiding porn, and tv for that matter, allows your brain to choose who you find attractive rather than what porn and hollywood tells you what attractive is.
5. Women aren't porn stars. Even the ones dressed like sluts have feelings, thoughts, motivations, opinions, life history, etc. Porn stars on the other hand are just objects. Most women are not running to jump in to bed with anyone. Yes, they want sex too but they aren't just going to drop their panties for anyone like they do in porn.
6. Men are suppose to be with a women in a relationship and not masturbate to their images. Porn was masking over a instinctive desire I had to have a mate. It allowed me to be alone...that wasn't good. "Be fruitful and multiple!" And guess what...women want to be with us too! Its just so many of us have all the wrong ideas in our head about sex and women it prevents us from doing so.
7. I can't believe how many men suffer from porn addiction...its insane. To man don't realize they suffer from it and those who do are suffering bad.
8. An important step in my reboot is that I brain is returning to my natural sexual tendencies. Through watching porn, I eventually and most often masturbated fantasying as being the woman (I know other guys on this site suffered from this too). However, I always felt wrong about doing that. These days when I fantasize and maturate/edge I am always in the role of the man and when there is the pull to fantasize about being in the role of the woman, its not as appealing as it once was, so I don't.
I'm not sure how I am going to keep myself from fantasies and masturbating. I heard someone suggest "being in control of your house." Just like when someone comes knocking at your door you decide if they come in or not, you have the same choose to allow ideas and images into your head or not. Even if the ideas and images are knocking on the door really hard, you can still choose to ignore them. Another is positive or negative feedback. Like if I F or M I'd have to give $100 to a cause I am against or if I don't F or M I get to treat myself to something. Either way, I have to beat this ED because I'm looking forward to having real sex, real soon.
I've also recently started to through burdens of my shoulders. I can't control the world or the economy or what other people do, I can only worry and control what i do. Its a healthier and less stress way of being.