I started masturbating at age of 13 to a porn movie. I increased the frequencies and the fantasies especially after age of 21 to a point where binging could last all day and even all week ends. I think it all came from a mix of violent family environment (parents fighting, shouting mostly rarely physical violence), neglecting father, unhealthy parents as a couple, boredome (I had few friends), complexes about my height, etc.). So i found in masturbation, a safe haven. I mainly mastrubated to internet porn, chatting, stories, etc.
I lately realized I am a sex addict and this addiction is impacting negatively all aspects all my life (social, self confidence, professional, girlfriend, etc.) . After successful studies and an expected promising career, I find myself jobless today having wasted all my money with a hectic career behind me, wasted opportunities and rare long term relation with girls.
What I blame masturbation the most is that it removed my desire, and without desire, I did not make goals nor want things. So i was never in control of my life and did not value things nor cared about anything, it was events that controlled me.
After the denial phase, I started reading more and more about it and I got convinced that I should change.
Today is my 36th day of abstinence. I feel much better than before in all aspects (especially socially) although I can feel deeply tired and a bit down. I had 2 micro relapses consisiting of 5-10 minutes exposure to porn with a small bit of masturbation. But the good thing is I had the willingness to stop it consciously, analysed the causes and took steps to prevent relapsing. So i consider those relapses as strengthening events to my brain.
I am a healthy and sociable person, who work out often, who is attractive to women, who is smart, etc. and masturbation made me the opposite of all that. I want today to remove the masturbation cover of me to be able to cope with my real issues, bring back my personality, let the desires and emotions flow again and simply live my life like all people do.