age 32 - 36th day no PMO - Rebuilding desires

Submitted by jimmyd on
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I started masturbating at age of 13 to a porn movie. I increased the frequencies and the fantasies especially after age of 21 to a point where binging could last all day and even all week ends. I think it all came from a mix of violent family environment (parents fighting, shouting mostly rarely physical violence), neglecting father, unhealthy parents as a couple, boredome (I had few friends), complexes about my height, etc.). So i found in masturbation, a safe haven. I mainly mastrubated to internet porn, chatting, stories, etc.

I lately realized I am a sex addict and this addiction is impacting negatively all aspects all my life (social, self confidence, professional, girlfriend, etc.) . After successful studies and an expected promising career, I find myself jobless today having wasted all my money with a hectic career behind me, wasted opportunities and rare long term relation with girls.
What I blame masturbation the most is that it removed my desire, and without desire, I did not make goals nor want things. So i was never in control of my life and did not value things nor cared about anything, it was events that controlled me.
After the denial phase, I started reading more and more about it and I got convinced that I should change.

Today is my 36th day of abstinence. I feel much better than before in all aspects (especially socially) although I can feel deeply tired and a bit down. I had 2 micro relapses consisiting of 5-10 minutes exposure to porn with a small bit of masturbation. But the good thing is I had the willingness to stop it consciously, analysed the causes and took steps to prevent relapsing. So i consider those relapses as strengthening events to my brain.

I am a healthy and sociable person, who work out often, who is attractive to women, who is smart, etc. and masturbation made me the opposite of all that. I want today to remove the masturbation cover of me to be able to cope with my real issues, bring back my personality, let the desires and emotions flow again and simply live my life like all people do.

welcome jimmyd

it just keeps getting better. But of course not in a straight line. As you progress things will keep changing for you and your desire and drive will return. For a bit it may become absent, have you flatlined? Are you in a relationship now or is there the possibility of one on the horizon?

By the way, I have a blog on

By the way, I have a blog on here it can give you more insight on my experience although I am not the greatest writer Lol

@ emerson

I have flatlined of course to the point where I forgot obvious things and spent all day on youtube, people noticed it. A friend told me you look like a fading flower. That was weird beccause in the mean time I felt good. Hard to explain! Anyway, the pain of masturbation effect are much stronger than looking dumb and fading. So i pursued my no PMO adventure.

I do not have a relation but hope to have a non sexual one asap. Well it has been one year without any sexual intercourse (masturbation really undermined my desire of hitting on girls + the fact of being unemployed) and now I am not hitting on girls btw because I want to spend like 3 months without sexual intercourse.

The difference between the 2 periods (before and after starting my abstinence) is that I am attracting girls now and I am turning them down for abstinence reason whereas before that my behaviour, body language, conversation repelled girls, etc

Some girls must have thought I was crazy turning them down. Anyway what I am looking for is a girl for whom I can have feelings and love. I am looking for a serious and lengthy relation. But, I did not find her yet :) I believe that bringing my desire and changing my brain back will give me another outlook on girls, and I will

Bravo!

Nice job digging yourself out of a hole. The mood swings often level out around two months, so hang tough.

What has been your biggest challenge? What has helped you the most?

I'm sorry for what your parents (and you) went through. Humanity has a lot to learn about how to manage sexual desire for greater harmony and stronger bonds. Just managing it for "hotter sex" has thrown our species out of our pair bonds and into churning relationships. This deterioration has been gradual, but radical.

Anyway, your future doesn't have to be like their lives. But learn more about what bonds lovers: The Lazy Way to Stay in Love

Thanks

My biggest challenge was stopping the masturbation when I micro relapsed two times. During my recovery I succeeded in controlling my thoughts in order to avoid touching myself, but when you are behind enemy lines it is hard to go back.

Other challenges is also having negative feelings (stress, fear, overwhelm, depression,etc.) and not masturbating. Mastrubation was a way for me to medicate those feelings. I remember I had a setback 2 days ago. My brain went crazy, I was walking in circles at home and smoking cigarette after cigarette. Then suddenly, I went to my bedroom and wanted to medicate the anger with mastrubation. 5 minutes later, I just stopped it. Like that. no technique used. Just by saying I want to stop. Amazing compared to before where it could have led to binging.

What has helped me the most is the situation I am in today. I think I hit the bottom now and my brain cannnot feel the pain anymore. So it is the stick that is driving me, but also the carrot from feeling better and better everyday. My mum is very spiritual and God and the saints are helping me as well.

As for my family, it is all better now, they both age well and decided not to fight anymore. but some things cannot be reversed unfortunately. well, I am conditionning myself to overcoming the past.