It’s obvious to me in recent discussions regarding Karezza-style lovemaking that there are generally two schools of thought: To be aroused or not to be aroused. Strangely enough, I don’t think the two camps are ever going to totally agree here. But in general, I think it’s safe to assume, that it most cases women need some degree of safety and arousal before they can begin to feel open to having sex with men.
In conventional sex, many women engage in ‘duty sex’ all the time and feel little or nothing. Yet, it doesn’t stop them from “putting out” because they still have the option of allowing the man to give them a quick, peak orgasm. Though many conclude that it’s good enough, the fact is, most simply settle for that option. The men feel exonerated, while the women get through it with at least something.
And since this kind of primitive sex seems to be the common style that the sexperts have generally decided to promote (cosmopolitan, Dr. Oz, Dr. Ruth), I’m thinking that perhaps the problem here has to do with a deeper issue – lack of arousal. I feel that arousal should be just for the pure enjoyment of it, not a means to an end. Having a heightened sense of delicious “turn on” is wonderful. The only concern here is “how to get and stay there without going over.” It is as if most people assume that to be aroused, automatically implies that they have to finish up with an orgasm. Many feel that once they become aroused, they can’t hold back because the sensations will sweep them away in a torrent of intense pleasure.
On the other hand, I know a lot of women who say, “What desire, I don’t have any sexual desire, I’m done with that.” But it’s also true that there are women who have just as much hunger for sex as men, maybe even more, only it’s buried under layers of repressed emotional pain and abuse, either individually or collectively. Sadly, the instruction manuals and articles today keep advocating that women should be content to go after one or two peak orgasms. This is just bad advice. That’s never going to turn a woman on or make her want to open up to her innate, natural desire for intimacy, pleasure and passion. Our culture is settling for something that will never satisfy women (or men either).
As a man, I can tell you, it’s much more exciting to be involved with a woman who is turned on to sex, not the hot kind that’s depicted in movies, but the kind that means she’s turned on to life; she wants to make love. She wants to be close to you and have fun. I think we should begin to recognize that being “turned on” is a good thing, and that it has benefits that extend throughout all aspects of daily life.
Even though the emphasis in Karezza is often centered on achieving stillness, being slow and relaxed during intercourse, it’s very important to have pleasure. Because not having enough pleasure brings on a deep hunger in us. It leaves us empty, dead, bored, unfulfilled. And it’s this hunger for pleasure that keeps us looking outside ourselves to find comfort in other things, such as food, booze, drugs, wealth, porn, shopping, adventures, and novel sex.
So the point I want to bring up is this: Sensation and arousal are essential elements in Karezza style sex. There are some women who can get sensitized fairly easy in sex, and other’s who can’t. The secret is to find a way to bring a level of balance, for both the man and the woman, so that there can be the right amount of enjoyment during genital contact. When that happens, intercourse can be a mutually pleasurable and nourishing experience for both.
But when a woman’s vagina is dry, tight and feels pain, it’s probably due to the fact that she’s not aroused. Therefore, it’s not going to be very much fun for her or the man. When this is the case, the woman either has to resort to using a finger or a vibrator or allow the man to do oral sex on her to heat her up. This, however, is a manual approach. It’s not the same as fostering her sexual sensitivity “naturally” or organically through slow, tender, direct genital contact.
I remember back in high school. I liked dating girls, but what I was really hoping for was a chance to “make out”. Since I didn’t want to use condoms and didn’t want to get her pregnant, I figured out how to “do it” and have fun too. We’d kiss and snuggle and fondle and roll around…everything we could, except penetration. There was one girl though who really wanted to get turned on by having me stimulate her clitoris with my penis. We’d lie down on our side, face to face, and then she’s wrap her leg over mine. While we tenderly kissed, I would slowly and gently glide my penis all around her clitoris. She’d get so turned on and wet, it was amazing. I thought this way of making love was sooo cool, problem was, I couldn’t last long enough, then …. you know… finished … over … good night dear.
So now, years later, I’ve rediscovered how awesome this wonderful approach to lovemaking is. For women who don’t feel much enjoyment during intercourse, it’s a way to give them a little help, especially when she needs to be turned on in a very natural, feminine way. Fingers, tongue and vibrators and the usual tools are okay, but it’s much more electrifying and sensual for her with a hard, vibrant penis and its’ silky head.
Once a man learns to control himself, then he can learn to move slowly and avoid ejaculation. This is when he can truly be in service to his woman for as long as she wants and needs. In this way, the woman can feel the man’s pure sexual energy directly on her, without fear of him losing control and ending her pleasure. And if she too is willing to avoid peak orgasm, she can ride and sustain excitement longer and deeper instead of rushing toward a climax. Sometimes it’s great to think of Karezza sex as a form of “making out,” a playful, enlivening and innocent way to bond.
In the end, I think what frustrates women is when the guy isn’t reliable enough. When he can’t hold the space to gently ignite her with long and SLOW passionate, focused attention, then it’s a real deal breaker. A woman in lockdown can’t access or open to her natural, innate desire for intimacy because she needs time to absorb the sensations in her body rather than being rushed along through a windstorm, striving to reach the finish line.
The man has to be able to be okay with not having intercourse if she doesn’t want to or it hurts. By using his wand as an energy sending instrument, he can be there and allow her the freedom and opportunity to experience pleasure in a deep and satisfying new way. This simple approach is probably a revolutionary experience for any woman who has felt she has to “give in” to conventional mating sex just to please the man.