Casual Sex, Dating and Real Relationships? what's the right answer?

Submitted by Bhayes on
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Hello All,

I just felt the need to put this out there. Without telling a long story, simply put. I'm 33 years old and I'm a virgin. It's an embarrassing thing, but the truth is the truth. I'm not socially awkward at all and it's not that I haven't had opportunities or that I'm unattractive llooking either.

It's just that I went thru a phase where I wasn't considered attractive in highschool and college and because of my resentment at the social scene in my community and family and feeling rejected by the women around me at the time, I felt more comfortable infront of a computer screen doing what most men today do when they're isolated infront of a computer. And because I have a unique personality that is different from the people around me, I felt the need to isolate myself for good reason. Isolating myself became a necessary evil - so that I caould read, paint, draw and do my creative stuff I like to do and not be judged for being different.

But my isolation tactics had a side affect and that is my virginity, internet and porn addiction and fear of putting myself out there.

This site and the YBOP site talks in depth about this addiction so I won't go thru all that . Celebrity & Actor Terry Crews has been talking a lot about his online porn addiction in interviews and his book. And I think many men, especially men like me can relate to his confessions.

I spent a large portion of my life feeling sorry myself and being upset and complaining righteously but one day I decided to get myself together and now - I feel rebooted and ready to create good connections with nicer people and women with better character. infact I think I like Russian chicks. ha ha ha. they seem to appreciate me.

But simply put - I have a new job and I'm gonna be living in a new environment soon and moving away from family too. And I've been learning a lot about karezza and thinking more deeply about relationships and what they really mean.

I'm a nice guy. I really am. I'm not a push over. but I'm a great and loyal friend- and I know I'm interesting and funny too but bottom line - I've never been in a relationship before. Never really kissed girl or got a genuwine hug from one either. There's a point where as I said I had no sex appeal and I had no control over that, but as i grew up and got into my 20's, I let my anger at feeling rejected stop me from changing my circumstances for the better so -my isolation became a thing of choice. which is my fault. I know that. I take responsibility. However, the selection of women (character-wise) around me left a lot to be desired as well. So it's been chaotic but I was also a complainer we live and learn..

But now - Women are checking me out now - and everybody has their own priorities in life. and CUPID teaches us to learn about intimacy and mind/body connection and everything - which I can see is very valuable. similar to tantra and all that...

But the bottom line is - women see a African-American guy like me - and they expect me to be a good performer in the bedroom. trust me. I don't look like a man who's a virgin but I've never 'did it' before.

Sometimes men and women use the excuse of using people for sex for pleasure or as an excuse to 'practice' or 'perfect' or 'update' their sex skills. Nobody cares. everybody seems to be dog. both men and women and To be honest - I don't think I like the idea of 'dating' and 'casual sex' as its defined today. I'm not saying I have any answers either..but.

I don't want to just use women just for sex practice and I don't want to feel used either. And then there's doing things the old fashioned way in sex and then there's finding some who's patient enough to read up on what Karezza is and be open to reading thru and actually implement what's in Cupid's poisoned arrow.

And - I have some ideas and some potential strategies on how to attract the type of character of woman that I want. I have some good ideas. I'm a smart guy. But...I now have to avoid / put up with pressure now from my male peers

let me say this. I love pretty faces, nice breasts and legs just as much as the next man. and I don't like to generalize either about women - because its not fair to do it. not all women are the same.

But - I'm not impressed with sexy women who have big egos who don't have good character. I'm dealing with other men saying to me " yo bhayes - if I were you I would get that fine honey's number..don't you wanna F*** that girl? she's hot !!"

I might want to and I might not. it depends on personality.

And - I think my situation is a interesting problem to have. there is definitely a trail and error aspect to things.

But some men believe that need to sleep with as many women as possible to get their 'sex' game up. Women do it too. Some people put up with bad relationships because they don't want to be by themselves. And some people use other people for sex only.

For me, I know if I work hard enough and strategize - I can probably attract the type of character of woman I need. But - maybe my lacking sex skills will turn women off? Maybe I should be a jerk and just use women for sex like all the men in my family do?

I have some ideas on how to improve my sex ability without being someone who uses women. when I feel comfortable. i'll reveal that. but now is not the right time.

But once we get around this issue of doing things the old fashioned way - how do I convince some woman about doing Karezza and reprogramming myself and her too?

the one thing I do know about European women and Slavic/Russian women is they are conditioned to 'please' their man and be submissive in the bedroom. And i'll probably end up with a woman of that ethinic background -I have a lot of Ukraine and Russian friends...and other types too.

but those women in Europe and other foreign countries are taught to 'please' their man sexually. So this idea of Orgasam-less sex will be hard for them to comprehend.. I'm considereing getting Marnia's book translated into a few languages by a translator.

But - cracking this problem will be an interesting journey.


Plans are fine, but my thought is that as you start to socialize more, you will be dealing with actual individuals. At that point, it's likely to be clear to you whom you want to get closer to, and whom you just want to flirt with an leave it at that.

Good luck!