Day 1 Yet Again

Submitted by Dave2770 on
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I cant believe that for the past 16 days Ive been relapsing on and off instead of continuing.

I have no urges or cravings to do it, in fact I find it kind of repulsive.

These ones arent even relapses, but they do take away my sexual energy the little I have, and put me in debt.

I cant go on without support. I really need help and advice from you guys and Marnia here.

I hate doing it but while doing it I just cant put it away.

I really want to let it go once and for all and go all the way to 60 days, even 10 days is fine, but I keep self-sabotaging myself.

Im on the borderline on jumping off a bridge I swear I cant handle doing this anymore. Too many times do I break my own word and trust.

Marnia, Gary, and everyone else, please be here to help me get through to day 20. Ive never gone that far besides from Jan 1 to 21.

What a fool and Idiot i was, to think I could have already been on day 35.

FML

Thanks for your input. Its

Thanks for your input. Its frustrating to be doing this and I actually went on an anger/fury trip which Ive never really gone and had before.

I dont watch Tv, I do watch Netflix at night time and its just one show, but it has such an escapist effect, that when I return to reality, I struggle for hours to days just trying to make the everyday normality outside with guys/girls rather than watching a show and being engulfed in it. Shows are much easier anyway as everything is great and happens so fast. And its a cartoon its not even a show.

I dont use the computer neither. So Im just at idle time with no car to go out anywhere.

The main thing is to keep going and increase my stamina/sex energy/willpower along the way.

100 days is my projected cure. 100 days. If I cant even come into this world and live 100 days free from evil(which by the way is a good thing), then I deserve to cease to exist.

Please do not

cease to exist. Believe me, your creator is helping you learn some really important things about managing your brain and appetites. And some really important things about self-compassion and easing up on the black-and-white thinking. Someday, you'll be proud to share your insights with others. Just give your creator a little time and be gentle with yourself.

Addiction is frustrating for every addict. Why should you be different?? The things that help most are daily exercise, daily prayer/meditation, friendly contact with others, caring touch (can you get a therapeutic massage?), time in nature...and all the things here: ♦Solo Tools Pray for guidance about which ones to try, or ask Uncle Bob: http://yourbrainonporn.com/uncle-bob-porn-addiction-recovery-tips

Blog daily for a while, so we can support you.

*big hug*

Dave, I'll just say that your

Dave, I'll just say that your thought patterns are not that different to mine, especially the days after a relapse. I know it's of little consolation, but you're not alone in thinking this way.

Whenever I've relapsed, it's usually hasn't been a "quick slip", so to speak - it's been one relapse, and then another one follows soon after, then another, etc. - until I manage to shake myself out of that phase. It seems that you're experienced a similar effect.

And the thoughts and emotions: the really low mood, depression, worthlessness; it's all caused by the reboot. If you can just isolate that feeling, and recognise WHY it is you are feeling bad, it may make the emotions a little less potent.

The thinking that "damn I could have been on day 35" isn't alien to me either. But the important thing is to be able to move on; recognise that you achieved a good run of almost three weeks, reset the timer, and start counting again. The sooner you move away from thinking of what could have been, the sooner you'll be in a frame of mind to reach and push past your pb.

On to the positive thing about your reboot: it seems you only recently reached 20 days, which is an awesome achievement. I will say that, with my first real run was 21 days; then I relapsed, struggled for a month of short runs and frequent slips, and then managed to push on to around 40ish days. My point is though not to compare yourself with me, even though we are in similar places, as rebooting has to be a personal thing, comparing only against yourself (the only way to truly reboot, IMO). It's that if you keep on trying, keep on pushing on and clocking up days as soon as you can after a relapse, you WILL succeed. Churchill sums it up perfectly: success is going from disappointment to disappointment, failure to failure, with no loss of enthusiam.

I've found that one of the best things that I've done is to remove my computer, games, everything - when there's little tempation, it's difficult to be tempted; and even better, I started to find (or rediscover) interesting things to do that didn't involve a screen. Maybe that's not an option for you, but I know you'll sort it out somehow :)

Day 3 today and I feel really

Day 3 today and I feel really good(taking 5htp and L-Tyrosine once a while), went to a friends house, and let me say, whatever sexiness you have, if you smoke a cigarette, you really just mess yourself up.

Cigarettes hinder effort exclusively. They're very bad for recoverees.

In general, any artifical boost or high like cigarettes are bad, but cigarettes just destroy. Maybe smoking one might do nothing, but if youve ever seen chronic smokers youll see what I mean about taking away sexiness or looks.

It left me in a downward spiral after the 1st one, plus my friend is an old one and he gets boring fast and doesnt wanna do anything.

Sexually, Im still flatlining really.