Day 4 no PMO - Scholar Girl is MIA

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Submitted by kurisu on
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A few days ago, I emailed Scholar Girl, as mentioned in my previous blog. It was just a harmless "how's it going" kind of email. No response.

I am a little bit sad. I thought she and I were becoming good friends. But now, to make a long story short, it is starting to look like she only used me as a shoulder to cry on, and dropped me like a piece of garbage once I was no longer necessary. Really, she has made zero effort to convince me otherwise.

I thought I was the one who was socially stupid. But even I know that friendships require a minimal level of mutual respect, which is not being demonstrated here.

I'm not going to do anything about this for now. It is only Day 4, I might be affected by withdrawal symptoms and misreading things, don't want to end up doing something I regret. If this continues even at Day 30 or so, then perhaps that will be the time to act.

But one way or another, it sure sucks to do the rebooting all alone. I mean this forum is great, but it can't be a substitute for real-life human contact.


Oh, and also

For the newer guys here who might not know me, I believe my PMO problem is a little different than most guys who come here. I believe it is caused by a huge lack of meaningful human contact in my life. Therefore, my reboot methods have focused almost entirely on starting meaningful relationships with other people, learning basic social skills (which I somehow grew up without), and things like that. That's why it's such a huge blow when someone rejects me in some way. The loneliness is not our friend, and I'm trying very hard to reverse it. When I first met Scholar Girl, I ended up making a lifetime record of 44 days free of PMO.

Retraining our brains to

Retraining our brains to become social is quite a feat at our age. Keep being social with as many people as you can, everyone can act as a "lover" to some capacity.

I've been used as a shoulder to cry on or to have some kind of need met before. Learn to set boundaries for yourself and learn to notice the red flags. Find male friends, they are essential in helping build your social skills. Where else are you going to allow yourself to be you without fear of rejection. Susan Anderson wrote some powerful things on abandonment that might be helpful.

Oh, and you are not different or unique in this regard, all of us here are suffering something similar. It's characteristic of addicts to think that they are different and not understandable. Nope, lots of guys have been through exactly what you are going through and lots of guys will in the future.

Hang in there. There are women that are similar to scholar girl but who are nice! Having gone through a lot of the dating wringer, I am learning to value this time away from dating to tend to somey things.. You are alright without her and you are becoming a better you, think about what you've accomplished with your abstinence. Dating is very difficult during the reboot, but unavoidable because you are starting to shine.

Thanks Rock

You really get my posts. You must be in roughly the same situation as me. To clarify, I have not ever actually dated Scholar Girl, just talked with her on a friendly basis. For these early days of recovery, I've decided to focus on friendships first, dating second. When she doesn't even want to be a friend, well, that is kind of a blow.

However, it really isn't that bad this time around--this is hardly the first time this has happened, even with her. I have no qualms with putting her out of my life if it comes to that.

You make a good point about guy friends. Something I need to work on.

Perhaps detach from the

Perhaps detach from the outcome. You shared moments. Maybe you'll share more and maybe not. It matters more that you connected than that she stays connected with you. Less control and more flow can be empowering.

Elegant point freedom. You

Elegant point freedom. You did what you could and you did the best you could, in that regard it was a success. It might be helpful to imagine that it could have been a disaster if things did happen to work out. You just got a few bruises. I see friends in bad relationships, not pretty! Maybe you're lucky things didn't progress. In the end, you have yourself. Respect yourself always and detachment is second nature. Nobody on this planet can make you feel bad or rejected if you have this. Easier said than done I know, but keep doing the things daily that help you to retain your self-respect. Keep avoiding the things that take that away. You have a sense about these things. Keep getting YOU back and you'll have a lot to give to your future girl.


She could just be busy, sick, or out of town. Or maybe she never got your email. My ex used to panic if I didn't respond to an email within 36 hours, never mind whether it was connectivity issues, an extremely busy week at work, or if his last email to me simply hadn't arrived.

RELAX. Give it time.


Heh... I suppose I'll never learn--I should never post anything here before Day 7 or so! :P Before that point, every little thing seems exaggerated and far more hopeless than it really is. Thanks everybody.

agree with everything that's

agree with everything that's been said, who knows, she may have read your emails and was too busy to reply or wanted to take proper time to reply and then it got buried in other emails. or she could be sick or, etc, etc.

i've felt the same in your situation. build a relationship with someone and then they seemingly pull away and don't put the same effort in. Have you read the "No More Mr Nice Guy" book? they talk about 'cover contracts' where you feel you aren't being reciprocated for what you have put in yet in reality, were u asked to help or did you freely volunteer? and the next question is, are you assigning obligation to them to return the effort? is that fair/realistic to them?

actually thinking about it, i did start chatting with someone about personal problems as a 3rd party outlet. suddenly she disappeared from facebook and i thought, whoa, did i put up red flags or something so she ran away?? i e-mailed her and she actually replied saying she was really depressed and completely deleted her facebook account.

also agree with making some guy friends, depending on your personality, it might be difficult but should do you good.

Oh man

When you said MIA I thought she's yours. I was planning to post about kurisu as a badass mofo, haha. No worries man, plenty of fish. You get better with every try.

On to the next one, on to the

On to the next one, on to the next one, on to the next one. It's a jay z song and hold meaning in life. Don't have enough meaningful relationships? Go and make some. No one is going to do that for you. You have to make your life for yourself not wait for it to happen because it won't