Day 5

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Submitted by RecoverED on
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1/31/2012: After my PMO slip up I caved and had a few more sessions, prompting me to relapse full out. Restarting my counter. Just installed K9 and tested it out. It works quite well. The password is something I'm not going to remember so I won't be tempted to change in a moment of desperation. The being said, I feel so depressed. I didn't even plan to pmo but after visiting a friend's tumblr with an image on it one link to led to another. In addition to installing K9 I am making a firm commitment to keep my laptop out of my room AT ALL TIMES. I haven't felt this low about my PMO since last semester. While I feel really bad right now I know that this is part of the process. I tried and failed to quit smoking cigarettes a good 15-20 times before I finally got ahold of it. I'd smoke, feel bad, and then spiral out of control. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom with the smoking that I finally woke up. The same applies here.

2/1/2012: I WANT TO PMO SO BADLY. Leaving for the gym (19:56)... (21:57) Came back from the gym, protein shake, and showered. Feeling much better.

2/2/2012: Had a good night. Went to see an NBA game and had a solid conversation with a girl from one of my classes today. We joked about sports and I was surprisingly outgoing. Hit the gym again. LOVING K9. It can be a pain on occasion but I feel safe, if that makes any sense. I can still mess up by watching softcore videos on youtube but I know that I cannot MO to full out porn on my computer. Pretty happy about that.

2/3/2012: Had a good night. Went to dinner with my family and hung out. Spent some time hanging out with friends and trying to stay positive. Woke up to morning wood. I've started to have dreams and remember them with increased clarity. They are all over the place scenario wise (sexual, weird, routine). I know from my previous attempts that this indicates progress.

2/4/2012: Not much to report today. Some wood upon waking up, which is surprising because I had a decent bit to drink last night (special occasion). Other than that I've been good. K9 has helped me to feel safe from myself. I know I'll get temptations but K9 is really helping to keep me on track.

2/5/2012: Morning wood and a deep sleep. Feeling anger and rage right now. There is no rational explanation of it so I'm assuming it has to do with the reboot. Trying to brush it off and focus on school work.