Some observations about the 2 week "reset" after the last orgasm with wife. I realize that by forcing myself to look clearly at everything during the course of the coming days, I will affect the observations. Because I KNOW there are symptoms, I will see them, hopefully without distorting them.
And for the record, no porn for years and no MO for 1+ years, so that shouldn't be playing into this.
Kind of ironic that my last (hopefully) purposeful orgasm was on Valentines day!
After sex the previous day, having read about karezza and realizing that I NEEDED to do this, I made up my mind to go the 2 weeks without orgasm to get my head clear and ready for trying orgasm-less sex. BIG decision, but felt right.
Couldn't remember the last time I had gone 2 full weeks without an orgasm AND was not torturing myself with thoughts of sex with wife. I think that is important: you don't really reset if you keep jacking your dopamine up with thoughts/anticipation of hot sex…even if you only fantasize about your partner, I would bet it affects most of us similarly to porn. If you don't stop even that PERSONAL porn, you are probably putting yourself up a creek.
So I made the decision NOT to just assume 2 weeks off and then go for a big O at the end. I committed myself that I would NEVER seek an O again, period. With no end in sight, for some reason, it was comforting and less stressful.
Woke up in the morning with a raging hard on but not the powerful "hot" sexual feelings. I think I was felling good about my decision. Since wife didn't know what was going on yet, I was in a dangerous place….and as I lay there, I could feel the "hot" sexual feelings starting to build. There was an out for me at this point since I was the only one who knew about my commitment to skip orgasm. Very tempting. "I can start tomorrow…."
So I tried an energy exercise...I took a deep breath, visualizing bring up the energy from by penis and centering it in my chest. In three breaths, my raging hard on was soft. With each breath, I could literally feel myself shrinking my penis. It was….surprising. And I felt glowingly good after.
Didn't sleep much Sat evening because I woke up with the strongest loving feelings for my wife that I had had in years. And they were non-sexual! Although in hindsight, if I had pushed it, those feelings could easily have been morphed into sexual feelings.
In the morning I rolled over and was glowing with love and real commitment to not orgasm. I smiled at my wife and touched her cheek and neck. I must of communicated properly because she said "I love you too!".
I then felt overwhelmingly awkward since she didn't know what was going on. Again, the temptation was high, since she didn't know what was going on.
Had a great day, felt confident, clear thinking, etc.
Today was a HORRIBLE day. My neediness and my body's DEMAND for some kind of relief was almost unbearable. I couldn't believe how bad it was.
That evening, told wife what was going on (summarized elsewhere). RELIEF in many ways from the awkwardness by simply sharing.
Today was better, no real powerful desire for anything, pretty good feelings. Cuddled with wife as we discussed some positive emotional things. No desire to go further but wasn't artificially holding things back.
Back to a sense of unease, not as strong as Monday, but felt a little like giving up on the whole thing. That little voice saying "why are you doing this, it won't work, she won't buy into it, this is silly". Monday was worse, but I am obviously yo-yo-ing a little.
Feel pretty good. Had snuggle with wife, slept fair, woke up feeling OK. Some things going on in life that are major changes….good changes, but major and had good news yesterday, so I am sure that helped.
Realized today that my food appetite is WAY down. Not gone, just way way down and not right at the forefront of my thinking. Yesterday had to make myself eat something for lunch knowing that if I didn't, I would get really hungry by dinner. Dinner is usually very very small. Thinking about breakfast didn't give rise to the serious hunger I have had in the past in the AM and I realized that I had not been snacking in the evening.
Another observation: I seem to be cycling a bit faster but with lower intensity. I have been a bit edgy and my perceptions of my wife have fluctuated. Right now, I am suddenly feeling ever so slightly euphoric….probably a strong word, but suddenly everything is rosy. Sheesh.