Days 2-10 - journalling about going 'sober'

Submitted by B_2012 on
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Here we go. I just read Marnia's book - thanks very much for writing it, Marnia. A lot of it really landed to me as true.

After ejaculating with my former partner, I can't think of a time when I was less interested in her. That's when she got ugly. At that moment. She lived about 45 minutes away so we would only see each other on weekends. And because we didn't have sex during the week, I wanted to make sure we had as much sex as we could when she was over. So we would have sex maybe 5-6 times in two days. And I'd ejaculate each time. But Monday, I was exhausted, I felt like I was hit by a bus. And I felt resentment towards her - about this exhausted feeling. Of course it was my choice, but that's how I felt. And while we had our issues, I could definitely tell that did not help our relationship, I believe it hurt it. Because if I'm tired and cranky, of course I won't feel and act loving with her.

Where I'm at: I've felt depressed for about a month now. I can't say that I will blame ejaculating 100% for this. Of course my thoughts play a huge role. But that said, getting back on my feet, I think it might be good for me to take a break from it for a while.

A week ago, I didn't cum for maybe 4-5 days and I was starting to feel pretty good. Then when I did cum, I felt really tired again. I always thought I had low blood sugar problems, which I probably do. But now I'm wondering if ejaculating is the main problem, or at least contributing to it. This is my Day 2 of not ejaculating. And let me tell you I'm exhausted. Can't think straight, not motivated, tired. I know I'm intelligent and can be quite driven, but I'm wondering if this release of energy I've had over the years may have lessened my focus and creative power. I read Think and Grown Rich - by Napolean Hill - written a long time ago - and it talks of the power of sexual energy and that it can be used for our creative endeavors. That landed as true for me. So I'm wondering - what would my life be like without ejaculating?

I have to admit, I feel sad about the idea. I've used ejaculating to release stress or to help myself fall asleep. The thought of losing that is a sad one for me. And at the same time, I have some sense that it could really benefit me. I consider myself an introvert and have really hid away in my apartment for the last 10+ years instead of socializing with friends and creating a rich life with friends and family. I've been excellent at cutting people off - not explicitly. But more from just not going out, not returning calls or emails. I've felt fear of being seen and connecting with people, or just impatient - for example going out and being with people after a couple hours I just want to get the hell out of there.

I just wanted to share this with someone. Where I'm at. I'm going to continue to not ejaculate for some time. See how it goes for me. I love the stuff in Marnia's book about oxytocin - the healing benefits from hand holding and other bonding behaviors. I've experienced that in my life- and I'd love to have more of that. So that I can heal my body of some of the health problems I've had.

Thanks for "listening." I'll post an update in a few days. Just want to keep myself accountable. I've gone to 12 step groups in the past for Codependency and Sex/Love addicts. I liked 'speaking my truth', but other aspects of it felt dis empowering. So I'm choosing to voice myself here, for now. I've talked to a few friends about the choice to not ejaculate for a while. But this forum may be a better place for me to voice my concerns in this area, for now.

Thanks for any feedback/support.
Best,
B

Thanks for your post

I take it the girlfriend has moved on?

The kind of experiment you're making is not linear. That is, there will be more and more good days, but they will probably be interspersed with a fair amount of "grey" days.

Were you "just masturbating" or also using porn? I ask because today's porn is so stimulating that the recovery is usually a bit rockier.

Have you done any reading on YBOP? The Porn FAQs are good. The one about "withdrawal" might be especially useful. Also look under tools for change, as there are both solo tools (for regulating mood) and tools for connecting with others. Even something as simple as spending time sitting in a coffee shop making some friendly eye contact can be good for coping with withdrawal symptoms.

Sleep suggestions might have something useful too.

I don't know of any research on ejaculation and blood sugar levels, but that doesn't mean your guess is a wild one. There is research showing parallels between sexual activity and drug effects, so wondering about effects on mood are certainly not far-fetched - whatever the mechanism. Guys certainly notice a link between being post-O and the munchies. Wink

 

Day 3

Hi Marnia
Thanks for your response. I really appreciate it. Last night was rough. Too much sugar + tired + cranky + big mistakes at work = pain, fear, and anger. I used to have problems with sugar, cut it out. But recently been more lenient with myself on sugar. And last night it caught up to me. So I'll remember to eat my greens instead.

Girl I was seeing - that ended in December. I recently saw her the other night. Actually, after 5 days of no fapping a week ago I felt pretty good and loving, and for the first time in a while even wanted to reach out to her. I wanted some oxytocin from hand holding. And we went out (no sex) and held hands, and it worked. I did feel better and it was healing for me. Last week I went to another event that had eye contact and other partner activities. That was energizing as well.

Yep, with porn. Thanks for the link to that site. ANd thanks for the tips. I definitely found it encouraging to read testimonies of others who have gone no-fap and healed themselves. I choose to feel more energetic and focused in my life, so giving up porn and ejaculating is first on my list right now. And also connecting more with people in meaningful ways. It is so isolating, this behavior. When I do it I don't want to be with anyone. So time to give it up and find more healthy behavior with others.

Re: blood sugar - yes I'm sure it's somehow related. Not sure how much. After ejaculating after intense sex, I feel like I could eat a whole chocolate cake. Among other things.

Thank you so much

Good job

tanking up on oxytocin-producing activities.

Last nite I was reading a new study that showed rats who become sexually active are more likely to seek out amphetamines. In other words, the cravings for sugar/starchy foods may not stem from blood sugar changes as much as they do from brain chemistry changes brought on by intense stimulation.

Did you ever read this? Do You Need A Chaser After Sex? Humanity clearly has a lot to learn about the effects of orgasm (and particularly binging) on mood and subsequent cravings.

Bottom line, whatever the mechanism, be ready for those cravings and have a plan for dealing with them. When I have food urges, I don't try to avoid food. I choose a food that helps bring me back into balance and eat all I want of it. In my case, raw nuts work really well, but for some people higher protein is the solution (and yes greens Smile ).

Day 4

Thanks, Marnia. Day 3 was rough. I could not think straight. I felt so slow and stupid. I've had that feeling before. At this point I'm not sure if it's more from sugar binging and my body reacting (I went without sugar after having major low blood sugar issues) or somehow related to porn/ejaculation. Perhaps a bit of both. But eesh, that was low.

Last night, I slept 11 hours and I think my body needed it. In the past, I've felt guilty about sleeping that much. Not last night. I'm giving myself leeway here. After a stressful work week and helping my body recover and get back to balance.

Thanks for that link. I read it. Yes, it's important I eat snacks throughout the day now. Until I get back on my feet again and my body gets back to some kind of equilibrium. Little too much sugar for me recently for sure. I've had definitely problems with addiction - video games, briefly, porn, sugar. So it's important I do things that support my body now.

Okay. I'll check in later. Thanks again! :)

Best
Bill

Realization

Hi Marnia

I really appreciate all your feedback and support so far. I had a realization last night. I've used masturbation to fall asleep many, many nights. I'm sure many guys do it. But I was so jacked up and energetic that it was a way to help me fall asleep.

Without it, it's required more relaxation and breathing to calm myself down. Of course, I've also used it to relax / relieve stress during the day. When I take that away, I realize that I should go easy on the caffeine (green tea, but still). So that I can fall asleep naturally.

I'm on Day 5 so far, and looking forward to feeling a more steady balance of energy in my life. I know my mood/energy has gone up and down so much I've felt uncomfortable hanging out with people for more than 2-3 hours at a time.

It's all good learning and experimenting for me. And just realizing some of these addictive behaviors and working through them I'm sure will be very beneficial and empowering for me. And without this numbing behavior, I imagine some emotions and stuff might come up. But it's a good thing, I think.

Day 6

Well here I am on Day 6. Still feeling a bit depressed, though that seemed to come up for me back in January. So I didn't expect it to just go away immediately.

But I've been more social recently. Went to several intimate events with new people and I met them. It's been good. And definitely finding more women attractive. One woman I met recently I feel very attracted to. Even though she doesn't fit the look I'm typically attracted to. To me, that is progress.

Still been jonesing for 'release' but, feel good that I'm staying sharp to this point.

Day 10 / other thoughts

Well, I'm on day 10 without porn /ejaculating. I'm feeling good. Proud of myself but also physically feeling better. I've been waking up easier in the mornings. Waking up before my alarm has gone off, which is unusual for me.

I've been doing some oxytocin activities too. Went to a relational mindfulness practice with eye contact, communicating, listening. The next morning I felt energized. I can't help but wonder if the bonding behaviors gave me this boost.

Last night, I spent time with the woman I was seeing last year. We didn't have sex. We did eye contact, touching, hugging. When I drove home I felt energized. Even though it was very late. If I had ejaculated I'm sure that long, late drive home would have been challenging for me.

I was so frequently using ejaculating to fall asleep at night. But taking that away I've found waking up in the morning much easier so far.

I still feel a sense of loss over not ejaculating. THe thought I will never do it again in my life. THat's not necessarily true, but I feel sadness about that. It was a way I would feel release in my body. But I'm glad to be practicing all of this. I'm feeling more whole and focussed and confident and energetic now.

And that's a big deal to me.

good for you

It is normal to grieve the loss of something that you have given up. For many of us masturbation/orgasm has been a lifelong companion that has helped us cope with life and provided a soothing effect for stress, anxiety, lonliness, etc. Even though you know giving it up is healthy and you feel better because of it, it makes complete sense that you would go through something of a grieving process as you detach yourself from it.

I find it helpful to think of it as saying goodbye to an old relationship that was hurtful and imprisoning, and turning around and embracing a new relationship that is freeing and life giving. It's bittersweet, but you know there is no turning back. There is a finality to the goodbye.