Here we go. I just read Marnia's book - thanks very much for writing it, Marnia. A lot of it really landed to me as true.
After ejaculating with my former partner, I can't think of a time when I was less interested in her. That's when she got ugly. At that moment. She lived about 45 minutes away so we would only see each other on weekends. And because we didn't have sex during the week, I wanted to make sure we had as much sex as we could when she was over. So we would have sex maybe 5-6 times in two days. And I'd ejaculate each time. But Monday, I was exhausted, I felt like I was hit by a bus. And I felt resentment towards her - about this exhausted feeling. Of course it was my choice, but that's how I felt. And while we had our issues, I could definitely tell that did not help our relationship, I believe it hurt it. Because if I'm tired and cranky, of course I won't feel and act loving with her.
Where I'm at: I've felt depressed for about a month now. I can't say that I will blame ejaculating 100% for this. Of course my thoughts play a huge role. But that said, getting back on my feet, I think it might be good for me to take a break from it for a while.
A week ago, I didn't cum for maybe 4-5 days and I was starting to feel pretty good. Then when I did cum, I felt really tired again. I always thought I had low blood sugar problems, which I probably do. But now I'm wondering if ejaculating is the main problem, or at least contributing to it. This is my Day 2 of not ejaculating. And let me tell you I'm exhausted. Can't think straight, not motivated, tired. I know I'm intelligent and can be quite driven, but I'm wondering if this release of energy I've had over the years may have lessened my focus and creative power. I read Think and Grown Rich - by Napolean Hill - written a long time ago - and it talks of the power of sexual energy and that it can be used for our creative endeavors. That landed as true for me. So I'm wondering - what would my life be like without ejaculating?
I have to admit, I feel sad about the idea. I've used ejaculating to release stress or to help myself fall asleep. The thought of losing that is a sad one for me. And at the same time, I have some sense that it could really benefit me. I consider myself an introvert and have really hid away in my apartment for the last 10+ years instead of socializing with friends and creating a rich life with friends and family. I've been excellent at cutting people off - not explicitly. But more from just not going out, not returning calls or emails. I've felt fear of being seen and connecting with people, or just impatient - for example going out and being with people after a couple hours I just want to get the hell out of there.
I just wanted to share this with someone. Where I'm at. I'm going to continue to not ejaculate for some time. See how it goes for me. I love the stuff in Marnia's book about oxytocin - the healing benefits from hand holding and other bonding behaviors. I've experienced that in my life- and I'd love to have more of that. So that I can heal my body of some of the health problems I've had.
Thanks for "listening." I'll post an update in a few days. Just want to keep myself accountable. I've gone to 12 step groups in the past for Codependency and Sex/Love addicts. I liked 'speaking my truth', but other aspects of it felt dis empowering. So I'm choosing to voice myself here, for now. I've talked to a few friends about the choice to not ejaculate for a while. But this forum may be a better place for me to voice my concerns in this area, for now.
Thanks for any feedback/support.