Denial or HOCD

Submitted by sterlingcooper on
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Well, I'm a 22 year old male. Ive always had issues with myself, and with puberty came a fresh onslaught of crap. I still dont have reasonable facial hair, while my peers are all hairy bastards; i have a bent penis, which for some time i thought was because of peyronies; and i have man boobs. so, all in all, not a great teenage experience, what with high school and college. I have a fetish as well, and am turned on only by that. And for the past couple of weeks, Ive had a new problem. Im worried about being gay.

when i say worried about being gay, I dont mean I'm attracted to guys. Its like my mind goes "haha, you;re gay" and "gay, gay, gay, gay.. penis, penis, penis" all the time. It just doesnt stop. all the time thoughts pop up into my head like 'what if i was gay' and 'would i do it with him', and another part of my mind would be"what? no. thats gross". its basically like a war is raging in my head. or when i see some picture of a guy,immediately my mind is 'ur gay' and then i have to look at the picture for some time to make sure im nto aroused. one time i gave up and decided to try out gay porn. I was both grossed out and fascinated, but not at all aroused. It was like that scene in clerks 2, where they see the guy blowing the donkey, and are grossed out, but cant look away. after a couple of minutes it got too weird, and i shut it off.(but i never really cared for normal porn either, i usually jacked off to my particular fetish videos, which were not homoerotic in any way as far as i know.) Ive had a girlfriend in college, which broke off a few months back. we didnt get to have sex, but did other stuff, and i really enjoyed it. but this whole thing right now is screwing my mind up, i cant sleep, i cant think, i cant be peaceful for a few minutes before some unwanted thought popping up into my head. And in addition to that, now I'm worried if I am TURNING gay BECAUSE of this. All these thoughts and all. And im worried even if this is just HOCD, theres no way to be sure, and one encounter with a gay dude is enough to turn me completely to the other side.. I dont know, Im just confused and screwed up. I really dont want to be gay, not because of society and shit, its just weird. Im not/wasnt homophobic, and didnt think any less of any gay man. It just wasnt my cup of tea.

Sorry for your distress

I think you nailed it though. Two things:

1. Things that violate our expectations naturally grab our attention. This was (is?) an important survival mechanism. So it's not unusual to find them compelling. And when you're a bit down for other reasons, it's easy to get more anxious than you would normally.

2. It's time for a new sweetheart, or at least more socializing. Isolation is bad for brains. Petty things can loom large and get more attention than they merit. Here are some ideas for getting out of your head: ♦Tools to Connect (Scroll down for long list)

If you want to read about other guys with HOCD, you can, but I wouldn't recommend it. The more you analyze, check and obsess, the more your brain comes to rely on that particular drama for its entertainment. I'd use those thoughts as a cue to turn your attention elsewhere. But it's up to you. Here's the page: I'm straight, but attracted to transexual or gay porn. What's up?

Instead of worrying about denial, get your brain back in balance. Then everything will look more clear. Here are various techniques for speeding the brain balance (exercise, meditation, etc.): ♦Solo Tools

*big hug*

testing isn't a good idea

testing is never helpful because your brain "knows" you are testing for a reason, and it just is a way to perpetuate the thinking garbage that causes this in the first place.

Testing, visiting forums for this, thinking on it, it all feeds the beast.

What really helps is avoiding orgasm for some period of time so your brain settles down from it's sex-dopamine behavior. And a woman you can bond with is hugely important. Being with a woman you can get close to builds up oxytocin and soothes all this stuff naturally.

Are you interested in not using porn anymore? The fetish stuff may fade away once you have a partner and are engaging in regular skin on skin contact with her. Orgasms throw our brains into an imbalance especially when from porn and masturbation, so avoiding that will help in the longer run. In the short run the anxiety may actually get worse.

I recommend a book You Are Not Your Brain which is tremendously helpful in explaining how not to "listen" to these thoughts that you are finding so disturbing. The thoughts are still there, and you don't try to get rid of them. But understanding how and why they originate, and how to label them and then re-focus on something else while still being okay with those thoughts, is the key to being happy in general as your internal climate is what makes you happy anyway.