On the night of Febuary 7th I tried to see what a normal orgasm would be like. I didn't use any thoughts, no porn, just me and my hand, not only did it take forever, but it wasn't even that satisfying, even when I looked at a normal picture of a women. (Like wearing a swimsuit at the beach, for example, nothing extreme) It was still unsatisfying and I've come to believe that porn has done all this to me and my brain, even to the point where I began to unrationally question my sexuality every day.
Sometime's I'll just get anxious for no reason and my brain will automatically relate it to that ordeal, even if it has nothing to do with it. You understanding so far?
Anyway, sometime's I'll also end up convincing myself I'm at least bi (For about an hour or in that general time frame)
Atleast once a day (Mostly when I'm in school) My brain will go wild with sexual thoughts of all kinds, explicit gay thoughts, rape thoughts, incest thoughts, wild fantasy thoughts (Like Pee Fetishes or crazy stuff like that).
Other then that I'll just get huge anxiety whenever I see a just a normal shirtless guy whether it be on a movie or whatever, but I still never feel any attraction to men excluding those times where I somehow managed to convince myself of that attraction because of my crazy thoughts.
And I could never imagine myself gay or living with a guy as a life partner I also have not been diagnosed with OCD but I heard that porn can give you a form of OCD even if you never had OCD before.
So, my question is, am I just worrying myself crazy over this? Should I just go with a 'f**k it all and see what happens' attitude?
I don't think someone like me who has dreams of marrying some women (Whoever and whenever in the future that may be) and having kids with her (legit kids, not adoption) would be gay.
I remember reading a quote that said something along the lines of 'If you worry or think about it too much you'll find that'll end up becoming your new reality' Now, that's not how the quote went. But I'm only basing that off what I remember. I don't remember the name of the guy who said that quote either.
I don't know if I'm worrying about things too much... but that's kinda the person I am, I worry a lot.
I think part of this is for reassurance but it is also for answers.